Mistrust Fund

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 18, 2015

At this point in history, when China, North Korea, and the St. Louis Cardinals are out to steal our classified information, it’s hard not to feel a little paranoid a lot of the time. While the healthy kind of suspicion that used to alert us to danger in the jungle now alerts us to possible identity theft, the unhealthy kind spams our brains with plenty of false alerts and often makes us miserable. So if you find yourself excessively afraid, don’t panic about your panic. Do your own investigation, in your own way, and then do what’s necessary to protect yourself. Then you can learn to ignore false worry and focus on the important threats (the Cardinals) instead.
–Dr. Lastname

I recently went through an airport screening and got pulled aside for an extra exam. As I waited while the hand swabbing was being processed, a security officer took a long time looking at her computer. Strictly for security purposes, she said, ever since 9/11. Afterwards, I found myself becoming paranoid about whether the government was spying on me, and whether it might include the IRS, FBI, etc. The security area is always being filmed. Now I have a desire to complain to the government about my treatment and the suspicious way they handled me. Common sense says to let it go, but that is what nice people always do. My goal is to figure out whether my common sense should prevail.

We like to think we don’t get paranoid without good reason; as Kurt Cobain once said, “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you.” On the other hand, the scariest forces conspiring against him turned out to be in his own head.

Like pop culture phenomena and the mythology of dead rock stars, feelings of being watched and plotted against, once triggered, take on a life of their own.

Paranoid thoughts are probably part of a neurological reaction that’s most likely triggered by some situation that is traumatic, spooky, or hard to explain. Once started, however, paranoid feelings don’t stop, no matter how sure you are that the only thing after you is your shadow.

Being paranoid has obviously helped humans survive dangerous times, so evolution probably programmed it into our reflexes and, individual variability being what it is, some people have much stronger feelings and are more easily stimulated than others. In any case, once you’ve got them, you can’t necessarily make them go away.

So it’s natural to feel intimidated by the airport security apparatus and even traumatized if you’re treated like a criminal by bored or bullying staff. We’d all like to be able to assert our right to be treated with respect, by the TSA, IRS, that Starbucks employee who can’t even begin to spell your name, etc., but the risk is that your actions would draw negative attention that would, you guess it, make you more paranoid.

Instead of confronting your fears, manage them. Review the legality of your behavior, consulting a lawyer if necessary. Satisfy yourself that you have nothing to hide and do everything reasonable to document your actions. If, after you’ve done what you can, fears still persist, treatment may reduce them. Hypnosis and behavioral treatments can ease anxiety and medications sometimes work.

You can’t stop government agencies from making mistakes or targeting the wrong person and, whether they have or haven’t, you can’t necessarily stop yourself from worrying. What you can do, however, is take comfort in your own honesty, learn simple steps to protect yourself, and live your life as if your fears, and “they,” don’t exist.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand the feeling of being scrutinized and waiting to be accused of something, but I know I’ve done nothing wrong and everything to protect myself from misunderstanding. I will live my life according to my usual priorities and not let fear change them.”

I’m usually not sensitive about being the only woman in my team at work, but since the new boss took over, I’ve gotten this subtle feeling that I’m being left out. He jokes with the guys but not with me. Somehow, the interesting projects go to others. When I asked him whether there was something I could do better, so that I could get in on more of those projects, he told me that he’s happy with my work, has no complaints, and that I had just misunderstood the project distribution. He also said he respects my seniority, but the one person he hired is relatively inexperienced, and I have a solid hunch he’s getting more money than I am. I’m seeing one thing and being told another, which makes me feel like I’m going nuts. My goal is to stop feeling like I’m being discriminated against when I can’t really pin anything down.

You’re obviously accustomed to working comfortably in an all-male team, so your odd-woman-out radar is probably working well, even if your new boss doesn’t realize what he’s doing; gender-related “gaslight”-ing is fairly common for women in the world place, but that’s a fact that too many men seem oblivious to.

Of course, if you get angry or suggest he’s not dealing fairly with you, he is likely to become defensive and sidetrack you more, so trying to confront this process directly is usually a mistake. Instead, gather facts about comparative salaries and the size and attractiveness of assigned projects, and take stock of your allies.

If you can find an ally in HR, ask him or her to help. Present your intentions in a positive, non-threatening manner; you’ve been very happy with your job and company policy, and now want to assure yourself that your position relative to your boss and peers hasn’t changed. Assuming that your performance rating is as good as ever, you wish to have the same access to desirable projects, promotions, and raises as before.

You’re sure your boss would agree with this goal, but he may not be as good at measuring and managing these issues as his predecessor. You’d like to be assured that, by all available measures, there’s no problem. And if there is a problem, perhaps HR could make him aware of it without suggesting that you’re angry or unhappy.

Sooner or later, you’ll have enough factual information to decide whether your boss is sidetracking/gaslighting you. If the information validates your feelings, you may be able to persuade the company, if not your boss, that something needs to be done. If not, at least you’ll have proven your instincts right and persuaded yourself that you need a new job.

In either case, no matter how much right you have to feel angry or to need validation, keep your rage under control; if you don’t, then they can claim that you’re the unreasonable party. Stay composed and stay firm in your conviction that it’s time to make your job assignments work the way they should. If that doesn’t work, stay open to working somewhere else.

STATEMENT:
“It makes me crazy to feel excluded and bypassed and have my boss, the person in authority, tell me that it isn’t so. I trust my observations, however, and gather facts that can tell me whether I’m right or wrong. I will then do what’s best for my career without expressing my needs or negative feelings.”