Choice Recognition

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 4, 2015

Credit, be it personal or plastic, is often given too freely to people or things we’re desperate to hold onto in order to make ourselves feel better. Paradoxically, we also tend to deprive ourselves of that credit too easily, so we end up feeling miserable, anyway. Before letting fear or perfectionism or a the lure of Amazon one-click control your credit decisions, think hard about what you have a right to expect and what’s good enough by your standards. Then you’ll make better decisions about friendship, and have a better appreciation for yourself, others, and for appreciation itself.
–Dr. Lastname

I’m a single mother in my late 30’s, two years out of an abusive marriage for which I did get some therapy, but probably not enough. I met a man six months out (way too soon, I know) and we agreed that we would “date” casually as friends. Of course I developed feelings for him and I’ve come to realize that I am not a “friends with benefits” kind of person. The problem is that we have been seeing each other for almost two years. Every couple of month or so he pulls back, but we always end up seeing each other again, and each time the relationship advances a little further. He also has his issues, mostly childhood drama due to losing his parents young. We’re currently on a break of his request, but he has texted me every day, says he wants me as part of his life but he needs space, etc. I want to be in his life, but as a committed partner. Sometimes I feel like he is stringing me along, and other times I think he is afraid to let himself love me. My goal is to figure out if I should I just walk away and try to forget him—which I don’t think I even know how do I do that—or wait for him to take another step forward.

As you know, one of the biggest obstacles to finding a good partner is not being able to lose a less-than-good one. In other words, as long as this guy keeps stringing you along, you’re keeping a better relationship away.

The first thing to decide is whether your feelings for Mr. Off-and-On can work to your benefit; ask yourself whether you enjoy the good times more than you suffer from his absences, and if, during the absences, you can put your pain aside and enjoy life or even dates with other prospective mates.

If they are upsetting—to your feelings, routine, and dating search—then the wait isn’t worth it, and you’re both better off moving on. If his sporadic disappearing acts aren’t too upsetting and don’t interfere with seeking other options, then there’s nothing stopping you from continuing this relationship while letting him know that you’re not committed any more than he is, and that he may not find you available the next time he feels like showing up in person.

Meanwhile, be realistic in assessing whether your friend is likely to commit. Figure out whether he ever had a committed relationship before and how strongly he stuck with it. Take into account his age and how supportive he is when you’re tired, sick, or cranky. Remember, a committed partner is someone who sticks with you because he wants to, period, not because you have to work hard to earn his love every day.

If your feelings for your boyfriend won’t let you treat yourself properly, and a non-partner has claimed your heart, then do what’s necessary to free yourself. Treat your relationship like an addiction; after all, it’s bad for you, saps your resources and attention, and generally messes with your life. Talk to friends as if you’re going to 12-step meetings, and do your best to move on.

Take pride in your ability to tolerate loneliness and other withdrawal symptoms in order to give yourself a chance at finding a better and committed relationship. Once you’ve found a way to move on, you can move towards finding someone better.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my boyfriend is a part of my life and I can’t let go, but I know I deserve a real partner whom I can count on. I won’t let him or anyone else interfere with my ability to find a good partnership.”

I think I’m failing at my current job, but my boss says I’m overreacting and need to see the bigger picture. I’ve always been someone who hates to do badly, and if I get off to a bad start I’m usually the first one to say “I stink” and quit before I can embarrass myself any further and let others down. That’s why I dropped out of my AP courses in high school, switched majors in college (three times!) and left an executive training program just last year. So now my goal is to figure out whether I should stick with this new job after a really disappointing start, or keep trying even if it means risking a bigger failure.

Perfectionism can help you get ahead and achieve great things…as long as it doesn’t stop you in your tracks before you get going. That’s because the motivation to be “insanely great” can drive you insane and make you feel like a total loser when you find that your performance, as a beginner or even after lots of experience, is just average.

Society adds to the problem by celebrating high performance without regard to the huge influence of luck when it comes to who’s gifted, who’s not, and who among the equally gifted does a little better on a given day. Doing unusually well feels good, and we love that feeling, even if we seldom experience it (other than vicariously) and even though it numbs our awareness of more important values.

Yes, if your performance stinks, it’s humiliating and you may feel like you’re not earning your keep. On the other hand, your reason for working or getting an education isn’t to be a star compared to others, but to get something for yourself—knowledge, skills, a paycheck—that will make you independent and useful.

If an unusual aptitude allows you to do well from the beginning, people will pat you on the back and welcome you to the team. It’s when you don’t have special aptitude, however, but still work hard so you can do a good-enough job eventually that you deserve more credit. It takes more strength of character to persevere because you believe in what you’re doing, even when it’s making you feel stupid and slow.

Ask yourself whether your current job will let you make a living, work with good people, and contribute something useful. If, as your boss believes, your performance is probably going to be good enough before too long, then you have good reason to stick things out and ignore the pain of feeling mediocre.

Your goal isn’t to be a star, but to be capable, make a living, and contribute enough, even on a bad day, so that you know you’ve earned your keep. Rest assured, few accomplishments are greater.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m never excellent, but I know I have ability that I can use and develop if I’m patient and keep working at it. As much as I love to excel, I will learn to value good effort and hard work for themselves, without comparing myself to others.”