Blame of Your Existence

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 28, 2015

Just as some people believe that any illness can be cured with Robitussin and everything improved by a healthy dollop of ranch dressing, there are too many people who think that the solution to any conflict is found through promptly and randomly placing blame. Unfortunately, this belief is as smart and healthy as the ones involving ‘tussin and tangy fat, because we tend to find blame in all the wrong places. We like to blame others for our own faults, either out of self-protection or because we’re really blind to our own mistakes. Then other times we unfairly blame ourselves because we can’t stop feeling responsible for shit we can’t possibly change. In any case, don’t blame anyone just because your feelings tell you to. Examine your standards, the nature of the problem, and what people are actually capable of doing before you decide whom to blame and what to do about it. The answer may involve ranch dressing, after all.
–Dr. Lastname

I thought I’ve been doing well in my new actuarial job at an insurance company, so I was shocked when my boss dressed me down for missing a deadline that I thought he didn’t really care about and implied wasn’t that important, anyway. He also told me that one of my colleagues was pissed at me, which came out of nowhere and was just as upsetting, especially since I thought that colleague liked to joke around with me. My goal is to figure out what’s wrong with my boss that he would randomly lash out at me in that way.

When someone you thought was happy with you suddenly and plainly makes their unhappiness known, it’s at best confusing, and at worst, it’s evidence that one of you has had a stroke. And, given your history of not smelling burnt toast, it’s easy to see the other guy as the problem.

In the wake of this revelation, you’re forced to figure out what really happened—you have to take the lead on a CSI: Tantrum—so you have good reason to first wonder if the person who lashed out at you was in a bad mood or tends to do this kind of thing regularly.

So, after a quick review of the evidence, you seem pretty sure that you did nothing wrong, and besides, it’s fair to discount criticism you don’t understand or can’t rationalize.

Unfortunately, it’s also possible that you don’t understand the criticism because you have a blind spot. Given that, according to your boss, your colleague is critical of you, too, you may be unperceptive about how other people feel. That doesn’t mean you’re stupid, self-centered, or uncaring; you just don’t read other people’s reaction’s that well, at least until they’re so angry that someone who was literally blind wouldn’t be able to miss it.

At this point, you need to ask yourself whether you’re often surprised by criticism you didn’t expect. Then ask anyone you trust whether they’ve observed that you don’t seem to notice when you piss them off. Don’t invite them to share anger and resentment, just to criticize your ability to pick up on interpersonal signals.

If you turn out to have trouble reading emotions, ask more questions about how people feel when reacting to you, even and especially at work. Don’t trust your intuition, because it seems to be a bit emotionally illiterate. Ask directly for feedback and make sure you know what tasks and meetings they consider important.

Of course, after a full investigation, you may be good at reading people and just have an irritable boss. If, however, you discover that the problem is, at least in part, yours, don’t get discouraged. There are many procedures that will help you compensate for insensitivity, prevent this from happening again, and keep your career (and your brain) intact.

STATEMENT:
“It’s humiliating to be criticized out of the blue, but I will check myself out for insensitivity before assuming that my boss’s criticism is irrational and unfair, and then take positive action.”

I’m worried about my mother, but I’m getting very little help from my sister in trying to deal with it. My mother has always been anxious, but it’s getting worse now that she’s older and living alone in what’s become a not-so-hot neighborhood. She’d call me every night, convinced that someone was trying to break in, so I broke down and agreed to help her sell the place, even though she won’t get very much and will have to move in with her sister, who drives her nuts. Still, she feels better now that she’s moving out, and I’m killing myself to help her pack up and get her stuff settled, but my sister shrugs off Mom’s anxiety and says this whole move is a waste of time and our mom’ll be miserable no matter where she lives. My goal is to figure out a way to get my sister to see that our mother needs her help, and I need help in order to help her.

We’re all programmed as kids to respond attentively to our mother’s anxiety, and there are probably times when it saves our lives. She watches for danger and we act quickly when she sounds the alarm. Unless, of course, you’re the spawn of the mother who cried wolf (or burglar, in this case).

That’s why, as an adult, you must do your own evaluation of the dangers that scare your mother. If she’s nervous all the time, as your sister suggests, she may have an anxious temperament or an anxiety disorder, which means her body responds to non-stop adrenalin even when danger has passed. In which case, your sister may have a point, and moving her will just give her a new location to be stressed out in.

Add up the pros and cons of moving her to a new home before deciding that it’s likely to help. Just because she’s anxious and urges you to do something doesn’t mean that there’s something helpful you can do. It can be painful to love an anxious person, particularly if there’s nothing you can do to make her feel better, but if your sister is right and your mother’s anxiety is unending and incurable, then stop expecting to find a solution and blaming your sister for not doing her share.

No one expects you to abandon your mother, but you should only help her if you think it will really make a difference. That way, you protect yourself by not wasting time doing what won’t work and by limiting your exposure to your mother’s painful feelings.

Above all, respect yourself for being good to your mother. You may not be able to make her happy or protect her from fear, but you’re watching over her, even when it’s painful, and you will protect her if you can from whatever she cries out about.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand my mother’s fearfulness, but I will not help my mother do things that won’t work simply because she feels desperate. I will do what I can while limiting my exposure to her anxious feelings.”