Bury the Need

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 21, 2015

Neediness is the fuel that drives most of our truly regrettable decisions. Sure, the need to cure cancer can push you to get a Nobel prize, but you’ll need a lot of other resources and motivations to get there. The need to get fucked up, on the other hand, is a lot stronger and simpler, and you don’t have to get to Sweden for your reward. Mostly, neediness stops you from thinking about long-term consequences and other needs that are just as important but are less successful at grabbing your attention. So, no matter how hard it pushes you, or whether it’s yours or belong to someone you love, don’t pay too much attention to neediness until you’ve considered all your needs, separated the healthy from the unhealthy, and decided what you can do that will actually be useful. Then you and not your needs will be the manager of your goals, no matter how lofty or low.
–Dr. Lastname

Since we’re still stuck in the same social and professional circles, I wonder how nice I should be to my ex-boyfriend. He and I were terrific together for ten years, at least when we were out with friends or visiting our relatives. Often times, however, when we were one on one, I’d get the feeling that he didn’t really like having me around, or that I got on his nerves, and that’s why he didn’t want to get married. His coldness would hurt, so I’d get sulky and hate myself for it, which would just make him back off even more. He told me he loved me, but then, one day, when he inherited some money and we had the opportunity to buy a house together, he said it was over. I think I’ve finally moved on in so much as I can stand to be in the same room as him, but my goal is to figure out whether telling him how angry I am will help me with my next relationship.

There’s no good reason to get angry at your ex-boyfriend now for not loving you enough back then. If he couldn’t give you what you needed when you were together, then there exists no possible (or at least legal) kind of confrontation to get what you need from him now.

Certainly, it’s normal to feel angry at someone who’s done you wrong, treated you bad, and left you high and dry, but unless you can translate that pain into a classic country or R&B song, then these emotions are best ignored.

That’s because fixating on your anger at your ex just strengthens a tie that you desperately need to cut. Expressing it doesn’t set you free; to paraphrase Aretha, it tightens the chain-chain-chains. Ultimately, the person who is in charge of your attachments is you.

You can’t help the way you feel, but you’re able to manage what you do with those feelings, and being riddled with rage or madly in love is no excuse. Looking for a way to feel better is not your goal, because the immediate way to feel better would be to call him out for what he did, fight with him, make up, and feel closer, but that’s what makes the problem worse.

You need to give up on getting what you think you need from him in order to move on, because your real goal is figuring out what healthy needs are in general when you’re in a relationship. That way, you can be better at protecting yourself from bad boyfriends, heartbreak, and anything sung about by Tammy Wynette.

Ask yourself why you couldn’t accept the fact that there was nothing you (or he) could do to overcome his distance and indifference. In the earlier stages of the relationship, it was appropriate to try to communicate and figure out where he was hiding his warmer feelings. When your efforts failed, however, you failed to accept that the chemistry was unacceptably bad; you preferred to blame him and yourself and keep trying. Instead, you should have credited yourself for trying and nerved yourself up to say goodbye.

Be aware then that your neediness blinds you to responsibilities and options. In the future, test relationships to make sure that your attachment is mutual. Don’t just enjoy and settle for public chemistry; purposefully put yourself into situations where you’re both tired, grouchy, and ugly, and see if you still want to stay involved and engaged.

It hurts like hell to lose someone you love, but the person you really lost, for those many years you were together, was the protective, sensible side of yourself. What you need above anything else is to ignore your anger and stay true to who you are.

STATEMENT:
“I feel my ex-boyfriend ruined my happiness, but I have learned that I should never again let myself stay with someone who doesn’t really want to be with me, regardless of how much I need his love.”

I’m overwhelmed by the fact that my father needs care for serious heart failure at the same time as I have to care for three kids and hold down a tough job. After ignoring his poor health for years, he had a bad heart attack and now the prognosis isn’t good. I’ve got a great wife, but when my father tells me he can’t breathe I’ve got to drop whatever I’m doing and get him to the doctor fast, and I can only bail on her so many times. He’s not going to get better, and this could go on for a year or longer. My goal is to figure out how not to go crazy.

It’s good that your father knows he can rely on you when he’s in trouble. Unfortunately, however, you can’t expect him to think carefully about when he really needs you and when it would be better for him to call 911. When he’s scared and short of breath, you’re the first person he thinks about, but you’re a father and husband first, not a first responder.

That leaves it to you to decide when you need to come running and when he would do just as well with some other form of intervention, like an ambulance or visiting nurse. Thanks to the miracle of cellphones and wi-fi, you can often provide support and comfort in an instant from a distance.

You don’t always need to jump and come running when he feels overwhelmed, and you shouldn’t; if you don’t protect yourself from his panic and neediness, you’ll compromise your own health and obligations to your wife, kids, and job. Don’t let the intensity of his feelings control your decisions.

Instead, pump the doctor for information about possible medical crises, the kind of care they will need, and the risk they present for sudden death. Identify the hospital your father will go to and the people there whom you should contact. Give everyone involved your cell number and make sure it’s programmed into your father’s phone. Finally, develop your own criteria for rushing to your father’s side, including a risk of sudden death or a lack of confidence in the care he’s receiving.

Your goal isn’t to save your father’s life or provide him with instant comfort on demand; it’s to be there when it’s necessary while monitoring a system that’s supposed to take care of him. Have confidence that you’ll be there when it counts, even if he sometimes feels you’re not there when he needs you.

Prepare for conflicting priorities, and you’ll protect yourself from exhaustion while taking better care of your father, your wife, and everyone else that matters.

STATEMENT:
“I feel that caring for my father’s medical crises are always my first priority, but I will not let myself forget my other priorities. I will know what’s available for my father and make my own decision about when he really needs me in a crisis.”