Messed Friends

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 30, 2015

When relationships fail—and unfortunately, most relationships are as likely to succeed as a Ron Paul presidential campaign—most people focus on figuring out what went wrong at the end. The more useful insight to search for is what went wrong at the beginning, because the problems probably started when you chose the wrong person to trust or the wrong reason to get attached in the first place. When you need to figure out what went wrong, don’t trust your intuition or your version of events. Instead, assess relationships, past, present and future, according to your standards of decent behavior and moderate expectations. Then you’ll be able to determine what went wrong and whether you need to be more selective or more reasonable the next time you put yourself in the running.
–Dr. Lastname

Years ago, I was hired by a wealthy guy to plan one of his big parties, and he really liked my taste, so we hit it off as friends. We enjoyed both working together and socializing with our spouses over the years, so I assumed we were good friends, even though I knew he had been very critical and dismissive of other people who worked for him and had a reputation as imperious and nasty. I don’t know what happened but, shortly after planning for our last event got underway, he started to show me the same nasty side he’s turned on others, blaming me for things that weren’t my fault, not accepting explanations, and making demanding phone calls. When he finally fired me, it was a relief but I also felt hurt and tortured by thoughts of what I could have done to prevent this. My goal is to deal with my feelings and figure out a way of getting some relief.

As a provider of luxury services, you’re probably aware of the “princely patron” syndrome: the wealthy client who acts like a generous big shot in return for attention and admiration. Such people are also known as monsters, Trumps, and, most relevant to your situation, Royal Assholes™.

He may give glowing recommendations for you to famous friends and an intimate position in his life, but if you don’t give him full royal deference in return, you may be headed for the gallows.

That’s why, even when he showers you with approval, and you respond with praise of your own, you should always keep a professional distance. If his warmth is, in part, a reflection of ego, then his wrath is just as fickle.

Yes, it’s natural to feel charmed and enjoy his attention and approval and, if you’re just starting out, you might be particularly susceptible. It’s a necessary part of your advanced training, however, to experience, recognize and discount the pleasure that comes from receiving the charm bestowed by a Royal Asshole™. Just because it’s good to be king doesn’t mean it’s good to be king-adjacent.

Your goal then isn’t simply to recover from the experience; it’s to learn from it, as part of becoming a seasoned professional and a smart maker of friendships.

Begin by reviewing the quality of your services and assuring yourself that your performance standards did not slip and do not deserve criticism. Then, instead of second-guessing yourself, look for telltale warning signs that might have tipped you off as to his secret (regal) Asshole™ identity. One, obviously, was his reputation for nasty conflict; more investigation would probably have discovered that his prior victims had good reputations, and even good relationships with his highness before his sudden change of heart. .

Having assured yourself that this experience is the result of your client’s character, not your personal performance, close down the relationship on your own terms. Let him know that, occasionally, someone is dissatisfied with your work in a way that can’t be resolved. What works best, in your opinion, is to end the professional relationship, so you second his decision to fire you. Then wish him well and exit the royal court with your head held high.

You can’t easily erase the hurt of total rejection by someone you felt was your friend, but you can stop the second-guessing, put an end to talk about what you did wrong, fire yourself, and refuse to share negative feelings.

You can also strengthen your friendship boundaries in the future so that a charming prince patron cannot breach them until you’re sure he’s not an Asshole™. Dig a moat and hire a dragon if that’s what’s necessary to keep your private kingdom safe.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I must have done something wrong to turn a valued friend into an enemy, but I know I’ve done nothing wrong other than be seduced into trusting someone who’s a well known Asshole™.”

I like meeting and getting to know women and would like to find a partner, but my work is demanding and often I’m away for days at a time. So even though I actively date and have found several women whom I was serious about who seemed to care about me, it never seems to work out. Each woman has dropped me after a couple months, saying I just wasn’t available and that I was married to my work, but I showed them I cared and didn’t hesitate to express my feelings when we went out. I had warned them my work was demanding and was doting when I was in town, but they always decided they wanted more. My goal is to figure out why I’m attracted to needy women who really aren’t independent enough for me.

It’s nice to have a job you’re in love with, but before you write off prospective partners as overly needy, examine the job description you expect them to accept. Yes, you’re good at expressing affection and willing to bestow gifts. What you’re less good at, however, is asking yourself whether you also expect your relationship to include daily meaningful conversation, time with mutual friends, and joint management of maintenance tasks like food shopping and drain unclogging.

There’s no rule against proposing a partnership description that’s more like an old sea captain’s wife, with long periods of separation during which you’re relatively out-of-touch and uninvolved. In doing so, however, you may narrow the number of willing candidates, some of whom would disqualify themselves because they wouldn’t see the point in such a partnership, given the lack of a boat.

Re-examine your own ideas about partnership then, asking yourself how much day-to-day time and responsibility you wish to share and whether you want to raise kids. Be business-like about it, translating your priorities into an estimate of the number of days you would expect to be together, how much time you would have for daily talk, and how many chores, social engagement, and vacations you would share.

Then, having put together a specific description of what you’re after, do a market survey by asking female friends and relatives to give you feedback on the job’s appeal. Don’t be surprised if, in spite of the existence of positive chemistry and generous benefits, they think it would be a hard sell. After all, neediness isn’t just a feeling; it’s also a statement of what your needs are and what’s necessary to make a partnership worth the effort.

So don’t disparage the response of your recent dates by focusing on their emotions. Be objective about their stated needs, and consider whether or not you can change your partnership job description.

Ultimately, it may be necessary for you to look for an unusual woman. Either that, or reshape the amount of time and availability you expect to contribute to a partnership, because the problem might not be their neediness, but your need to reassess your requirements.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I have a good life to share and an affectionate heart, but something isn’t working. I’ll take a close look at the attractiveness of the partnership role I’ve been offering, and determine whether it’s as appealing as I thought.”