Cast Iron Boundary

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 23, 2015

Unlike territorial boundaries, which are marked on maps, with road signs, or even—looking at you Canada—guarded by polite-yet-firm officers in fun hats, interpersonal boundaries are often much more ambiguous and rarely agreed upon. Still, people who worry about invisible boundaries and try in vain to locate them are more likely to blame themselves for an apparent violation, whereas people who don’t notice even well-marked boundaries are likely to blame the guards that reprimands them. Before you become your own, impolite border patrol, get a good idea of what boundaries you think are reasonable, whether you’ve respected them, and whether your can stay on course or rethink your maps in the future.
–Dr. Lastname

I can’t stop wondering what I could have done to keep my roommate from angrily breaking our lease at the last minute. He claims it was impossible to live with me because I was a shitty roommate who stayed up too late Skyping with my girlfriend in the living room and making noise (she’s working overseas for six months and the wifi sucks in my room, so it was fairly unavoidable). If I’d known that we were being loud or bothering him, I would have immediately searched for an alternative, but I really didn’t know he could hear us. And I tried to keep quiet anyway, wore headphones, and was always PG when he was home, but it obviously didn’t work. I knew he might have been bothered about something, but the first time he told me what he was pissed off about was when he told me he was leaving in two weeks. I feel like a jerk for what I’ve done, but I’m also terrified about finding someone new so I can still afford to live here. My goal is to figure out what I did wrong so it doesn’t happen again.

Roommate dynamics are often tricky, especially in situations where the only thing you have in common with the person you share your most personal space with is the inability to afford your own apartment.

Even so, when someone whom you’ve lived with departs on bad terms, it’s hard not to feel as if you’ve failed, even if they’re a near-stranger whom you don’t like very much and wouldn’t spend time with in any other context.

Most conflicts in roommate situations arise from the fact that parties often assume that their boundaries are the norm and are thus universally understood and respected, despite the fact that people’s ideas of what’s appropriate in a living space can vary wildly, e.g., some people don’t mind sharing their food while others believe in separate, padlocked fridges.

Still, there’s something about long-term domestic closeness that makes us feel that we should get along, even if we’re total opposites. And if it doesn’t work out, we sometimes feel guilty for violating some rule of good manners or relationship hygiene (whereas the people who have genuinely violated those rules by stealing your clothes and peeing in the sink just feel you’re too uptight).

Before accepting responsibility and asking yourself what you could have done differently, however, review your code of good roommate conduct and ask yourself whether you crossed the line. When in doubt, think of the rules posted on the wall of any kindergarten, i.e., “return toys to where you found them,” “nap time is quiet time,” “treat your classmates the way you want to be treated,” etc. Basically, when it comes to rules of sharing space, think, “What would Jesus do (if He were 6)?”

Your code seems to include keeping living room noise below a level that would wake you if you were in his position and reducing it further if a sleeping roommate complained. Since you were cognizant of your volume and thoughtful enough to wear headphones, it seems you were actively trying to meet a reasonable standard.

If a sleeping roommate was sensitive to noise, you might expect him to speak up and not rely on your ability to read his unhappy facial expression the next morning. On the other hand, you might also expect yourself to ask whether you’d disturbed his sleep, but given the lengths you went to to avoid that possibly, it’s not surprising that you assumed you were in the clear.

Once you weigh your behavior against your standards, render your own judgment and apologize if appropriate. No, it probably won’t change his mind or smooth things over, but what it will do is give you reason to fight undeserved guilt, respect yourself for the responsibilities you handled properly, and do better next time if you dropped the ball.

Don’t let his departure or unresolvable bad feelings be the measure of your crime or your quality as a roommate. Consider your own standards and let your own judgment protect you from taking too much responsibility for a nasty departure. Then consider what it will take to afford your own place or get your girlfriend to move in so you can converse at all hours as loudly as you’d like.

STATEMENT:
“I hate feeling like I drove my roommate away and that I’m now being punished by having to look for a new one, but I know I’m not oblivious to the rights of others and would have done more to protect his needs if he had given me the chance.”

When my boyfriend dumped me after a very intense six month relationship, I was initially comforted by the fact that, were it not for that asshole, I never would have met F., my ex’s friend from childhood whom I clicked with instantly and immediately welcomed me into her social circle, and vice versa. At first, F. was totally there for me when my ex abruptly called things off, but then she started to get distant, and I couldn’t understand why. When I finally pinned her down, she told me that she didn’t feel comfortable being caught in between me and my ex, and since he’s one of her oldest friends, her allegiances are to him. I feel like that’s bullshit, because we’re all adults here and you can’t “call dibs” on people or have to pick sides. My goal is to figure out if she was just a fake friend the whole time or if my ex is continuing to screw me from beyond.

It’s painful to lose a mutual friend you share with an ex after breaking up with him, and even more painful to feel she prefers him to you, but the reason may have very little to do with her taking his side or not liking you. She might like you a lot and still have trouble keeping the two relationships going due to torn loyalties, complicated boundaries, and a lot of other factors that have nothing to do with you personally.

After all, if you were in her position, you might have a hard time sustaining a good relationship with two people who just broke up, particularly if you spend a lot of time with one or the other. Additionally, time creates its own attachment and loyalties, so no matter how much she likes you, your ex’s knowing she’s your friend may make their relationship difficult.

If you ask yourself what standard of loyalty you would apply to yourself in that situation, you probably wouldn’t hold yourself responsible for the bad breakup chemistry that made it hard for your old friend to see you if you were good friends with his ex. As much as you wouldn’t want to cause pain to your new friend, you might be forced to make a hard choice.

Assuming she likes you, don’t alienate her by making her feel guilty for dumping you when you’re down: it’s painful to lose her, but your relationship may revive if you can respect the fact that her choice is reluctant. If you tell her it’s wrong and illegitimate, you’re more likely to become an ex yourself.

Breakups are hard and force tough choices, not just on the people breaking up, but on friends as well, so don’t assume that the pain is avoidable or personal. Count it as one of the positive things about your relationship with your ex that you really liked his friends and that you will look for this quality in future relationships. Be proud of your friendship, even if, like your ex himself, you have to give it up.

STATEMENT:
“I feel doubly abandoned, but I’m glad I made a new friend and I’ll do what I can to leave the door open, after the pain of breaking up has subsided.”