Industrious Engineering

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 16, 2015

It’s not great to be a parent who is effective at doing the wrong thing any more than it is to be ineffective at doing the right thing; there’s no job out there with less correlation between effort and results, and with such high stakes besides. Yes, you should get credit for good intentions, even when they get you nowhere, and get away from bad intentions, especially when they get you and/or your kids into trouble. Usually, however, when your goals and methods are realistic and helpful, you have a better chance of accomplishing them and getting the job done.
–Dr. Lastname

My daughter is about to graduate from a very impressive college after getting great grades, and I’m very proud of her, but I can’t understand why she’s not trying to look for a good job or a reasonable career. Instead, she wants to defend the downtrodden, so she’s looking for work for an NGO in a troubled part of the world or trying to get an internship with the Innocence Project. She’s had a privileged childhood and a great education she didn’t have to pay for—but that I had to work hard to pay for, thanks very much—so I tell her she should be thinking about using her advantages to get ahead and make a future for herself, rather than worrying about people who’ve had all the bad luck I’ve protected her from. My goal is to get her to take care of herself rather than putting herself at risk for the sake of people she’s got nothing in common with.

Aside from the fact that you believe in pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and your daughter is drawn to helping the downtrodden, you’ve got some reason to worry about the risks of her young idealism.

Her heart is in the right place, but her desired work may take her to the kinds of scary places filled with the scary people you feel you’ve worked hard to protect her from.

In addition, you know that life in this country doesn’t provide much of a safety net, so your daughter’s future security will depend a great deal on her ability to find a good job and save money. In other words, if she doesn’t use the advantages you’ve given her to find a lucrative career, she might end up downtrodden herself.

On the other hand, there are few better ways to stimulate her liberal guilt than by reminding her about her privileges and what you’ve done for her. The very fact that she hasn’t had to suffer as much as others (and perhaps as much as you) is what makes her feel obliged to improve the world for others. So don’t try to make her feel guilty in order to get her to take better care of herself; guilt just makes her want to take better care of others who probably never got the kind of care that she did from you.

Instead, accept the fact that she has to find her own balance between helping others and self-protection, and you can be a much better guide and teacher by keeping your fears to yourself and showing more respect for her idealism. Then you’ll be better prepared to advise her when the events she encounters threaten her security and she realizes that doing good can sometimes expose her to great harm.

At that point, tell her she has two difficult jobs to do that will often conflict with one another and require compromise; helping others, and managing her own safety. It’s not fair that life imposes this necessity on her or that altruism can be dangerous, but if life were fair, there wouldn’t be people to aid in the first place. Remind her that compromise will seldom feel satisfying and often feel painful, so you’re available to talk about the principles that help you make meaningful compromise in your own life.

If you’re lucky, she’ll find a way to improve the lives of others while making a decent living. In the meantime, you should take pride in the fact that your daughter has a caring heart and a drive to do the right thing, even if you think it’s taking her down the wrong path.

You can’t protect her from idealism or a rough world, but you can watch carefully while she tries to improve the world and respectfully offer her methods for surviving when she realizes she needs them.

After all, you both want to help people—you, her, she, the helpless—and while it will probably be difficult, you could both find success.

STATEMENT:
“It kills me to watch my daughter do low-paying jobs in dangerous situations because she wants to help ungrateful people who are nothing like her, but I know she will learn a great deal about the world and I can help her absorb tough lessons without losing hope or confidence.”

My ex was really awful to me for the last ten years of our marriage…he was Mr. Goodtimes with the kids and especially with his drinking buddies, but I was the one who either got the shaft or the brunt of his temper. After the one time he really hit me, I moved out. We separated and split custody amicably, and I guess because of the kids and all the years we’d been together (and the fact he bullshits his way into everything he wants), he assumed I’d get over it and we’d get back together. When a year passed and I told him that I was seeing someone new and wanted a divorce, however, he really lost it. Then our oldest son found out, and because he’d never seen his father’s evil side, he blamed me, got just as upset and told me he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t want to speak with me. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him, either, and I’m not sure if I can until my ex stops poisoning my kids’ minds against me. My goal is to get my kids to see that I’m not the bad mother so that I can finally break free from my ex without him stealing my kids from me in the process.

One unfortunate side effect of your shielding your son from his father’s bad behavior is that you wind up looking like a schmuck when you decide to leave. It’s not fair, but you know that parenting rarely is, and you can understand how your son feels; he’s hurt by the breakup and you’re the one who did the walking-out, so you’re the one to blame. Naturally, after knocking yourself out to protect him, it’s infuriating to be misunderstood, unappreciated, and criticized. It’s hard not to feel his rejection as an extension of your husband’s bad behavior, and equally undeserved.

Your goal, however, is not to express your feelings, but to share a vision of love and confidence with your kids. That means putting your feelings aside while adding up what you think is important and meaningful about family relationships and where you think they need to go. You hid your husband’s bad side in order to protect the kids, and you have to hide your own unpleasant side now.

For one thing, you know you love your son and he loves you. You don’t doubt your own commitment to him and his future, regardless of whether you had to leave his father. Indeed, you didn’t leave because you were angry (though you were) or bored or interested in another guy, but because you could see no better alternative.

You also understand that anger tends to cause demoralizing thoughts that spread infectively. Your son feels hurt, therefore he thinks you don’t really love him and treats you badly, which makes you treat him negatively. Your job as a parent is to stop bad feelings from turning into bad behavior, beginning with your own.

Tell your son you understand his feelings but that you’re sure you love one another and that, sooner or later, you’ll be able to talk and spend time together. You didn’t leave because you wanted to break up the family, but because of conflicts he didn’t know about, that made it unavoidable. Act friendly and confident, and keep your hurt to yourself.

The pain of divorce hits everyone and can’t be helped. What you can do, however, is review your own reasons for leaving and convince yourself that you did what you had to do. Then, when your son shares his feelings, you’re ready to respond with a deeper and more positive truth like the tough, responsible parent that you are.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m losing my family. I know, however, that my walking out does not change my love for my kids and the priority they have in my life and I will convey that, regardless of how divorce makes us feel.”