Reality Low

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 30, 2015

The feeling that your life isn’t real—either because it’s not what you expected or wanted it to be, you live more in your head, or because you literally believe in The Matrix—can be disturbing or comforting. For some people, the disconnect comes from liking imaginary worlds more, while others start feeling their reality is false when it unexpectedly disappoints or traumatizes them. Whether life feels real or not, however, should not determine how you live it. Decide what’s important in terms of the value you place on your work or relationships, however real they feel. Then you’ll find meaning in what you do, no matter what color pill you decide to swallow.
–Dr. Lastname

Reality, when it’s not rotten, is tedious. Since I was a kid, I’ve escaped into fantasy. This usually involves listening to loud music and playing the same film clip for hours while I pace and daydream about things that could not possibly happen. You might think I live in my parents’ basement, but no–I have a career in the one realistic endeavor I ever pursued successfully plus a nice home in a big city. I thought I would love my career, but I chose the wrong thing. I have never been able to pursue any goals for myself that I did not deem necessary for my continued existence. So, I can run my branch but I never learned martial arts, drawing, dancing, playing chess, or anything I do in my daydreams etc. It’s also difficult to make friends (surprise!) and as my life experience is so unlike theirs, it’s very hard for me to understand what my friends are feeling when they relate their woes. I just pretend to. I have not had a “boyfriend” in 20 years–I don’t tell them that. It’s a strange compulsion. Nothing makes me happier than to daydream in this repetitive way; however, I’m perfectly aware it has blighted my life. I never did drugs, got drunk, etc. I do this. My sister used to do it too but just grew out of it on her own. My goal is to stop this weird daydreaming and pursue the couple realistic goals I have in the second half of my life.

People talk about daydreaming as if it’s a way of discovering and connecting with what you really want to do, but for certain people it’s more of a way to disconnect with what your life really is. As escapes go, it’s less romantic, more witness protection program.

This is because of the way some minds work, namely by turning something creative into a compulsion. It’s possible that, for you, daydreaming about grand achievements while watching the same movie clip over and over is a kind of OCD/rumination that feels good and makes you feel less anxious. It relaxes you, but it also restricts your ability to function in a meaningful way.

In any case, it seems to have become addictive and consumes time and energy you need for other things. Simply put, the more you dream, the less you do.

Unfortunately, it’s not easy to stop the daydreaming habit, and self-blaming probably makes it worse. You did not choose the kind of brain you inherited—that’s your parents’ fault, or maybe, if you’re willing to go back some millennia, an amoeba—so it’s better to focus on what you’re doing with it than on the ways you differ from other people.

The fact that you work and make a good living is no small achievement. Obviously, you’ve found strength to put aside daydreaming, leave your home, and do complex work every day. Your work may not be exciting or emotionally rewarding, but that doesn’t make it “the wrong thing.” It’s a good beginning.

Instead of focusing on realizing grand ambitions or feeling ashamed of secret habits, think about stopping your habit. Stopping will initially cause you to feel anxious and leave you with no sense of specialness and nothing to do when you’re not working. It will, however, give you an opportunity to learn, grow, and fill your time with meaningful activities (e.g., martial arts classes, going out dancing, becoming a chess grand master, etc.).

If you want to stop, you’ll probably need help from a therapist or coach who will encourage you to map out healthy activities, avoid triggering situations, and report regularly on your progress. A therapist who works with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and/or addictions may have particular expertise. Medication may help by reducing your urges. Ultimately, you need friends with whom you can be honest.

Don’t daydream about being great, not because you can’t be, but because the daydreaming itself is delaying your greatness. Then start building tools for broadening your real life, which, once fully experienced, could exceed your wildest dreams.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my real life happens when I’m alone and living in my head, but I know that there are better things to do, even if they don’t feel as good, so stopping daydreaming is the first step to leading a real, if not-so-grand, life.”

I thought my husband and I had a wonderful life and I felt extremely lucky to have such an amazing family…until he told me he’d had an affair with a woman we both know. He confessed, swore he ended it, and still says he’s sorry, but I just can’t understand how he can love me the way I thought he did and sleep with someone else. At the same time, I can’t believe I never saw it coming. Suddenly, I can’t trust myself or anything he says, and everything about our life, especially the happy home and amazing family, seems like a giant lie. My goal is to find a way to know what’s real.

Some people have an amazing intuition about the secret thoughts and shortcomings of their partners, and some don’t. Others find themselves in your exact situation. That means you’ll see the best in your husband, but you’ll be blind to the oncoming shitstorms the worst in him has caused.

Naturally, when your husband betrayed you, you felt like you couldn’t trust him, yourself, or your perception of the world, and in reality, you’re half-right. You can’t trust the way you used to look at the world, or your natural intuition, but you can learn new ways of examining the validity of your relationships and eventually rebuilding your trust in yourself and others.

Don’t lose total confidence in your marriage or how you perceive it. You’ve discovered your husband’s weakness, but there may still be strength in his character, commitment, and partnership. If you doubt it and write him off because you don’t trust your own perceptions, you’ll feel more helpless, which will further undermine your confidence. Don’t let fear and doubt control you.

Instead, measure your husband’s contribution by what he does. Add up what he brings to your life in terms of stability, good company, competent household management, and parenting. Review his past behavior for signs of steadiness, and watch his current behavior, not just because you’re looking for cheating, but because you’re developing better ways of measuring fidelity.

Your relationship with your husband isn’t as good as you thought it was, but it may well turn out to have good strengths you can count on. Give your vision a chance to adjust to the new reality and you will discover that your world is more real, not less, which will give you more reason to trust yourself and those close to you.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m in a bad dream and can’t trust my senses, but I will use my new awareness of my husband’s weakness and my own to become better at judging relationships and making decisions.”