Fool to be Kind

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 26, 2015

Despite whatever’s going on in the Middle East, at the merge onto the Holland tunnel, or in your average Costco on a Saturday, people are often very kind to each other. We rarely feel we’re being kind, however, because we get bogged down with guilt about something we didn’t do wrong in the first place. That’s why, depending on whether you feel guilty or not, what feels kind can be mean and what looks unkind can actually be thoughtful. Think hard about what you don’t control before you decide whether you’re doing a kindness or not, and remember, if you let yourself off the hook for problems you didn’t cause, you’re doing a kindness for yourself.
–Dr. Lastname

I try to help my brother, but my wife says I yell at him too much. He was always a little slow, mentally, and doesn’t realize that he talks too loud and at the wrong times. Since we took him in a year ago, I’ve tried to improve his social skills by telling him to shut up when he interrupts a conversation and getting him to lower his tone. My wife says I sound rude and nasty, and other people have said that about me, but my brother is getting the message and he says he doesn’t feel insulted. Sometimes you have to be harsh to get through to people. So my goal is to get my wife to understand that being mean is sometimes necessary.

There’s no doubt that it is sometimes helpful to correct other people’s behavior, especially when your intentions are good and their perceptive abilities are as bad as your brother’s. What you might ask yourself, however, is whether setting him straight with his social skills requires such a “Scared Straight” approach.

After all, it is possible to sound assertive without also sounding angry and overbearing, and without losing any of your effectiveness. Skilled animal trainers are called whisperers and not screamers for a reason.

If you can’t do assertive without turning into a drill sergeant, then you might share a little bit of your brother’s obliviousness when it comes to the harsh tone of your voice and the response it evokes from others.

That doesn’t mean you wish him harm; it just means that what you intend as assertive instruction may come across as a critical put-down, and thus draw criticism from others for your good deeds. It may also push both of you further than necessary, because more anger doesn’t necessarily mean better results.

Of course, your main concern is your brother’s wellbeing and constructive response to your words. As far as you know, he doesn’t feel hurt or bullied by your efforts to improve his etiquette. What you may wish to do, however, is get independent confirmation by having someone else question him about how he feels. After all, he may feel insulted but, out of respect or fear, not wish to antagonize you.

Although you’re not a professional teacher, manager, or his parent, the way you sound when you wish to correct him matters. Ask yourself whether it’s worthwhile to learn gentler means of instruction.

For instance, you could get coaching or read books about behavioral modification, or find positive ways to remind your brother that he needs to listen or ask questions before he shares his thoughts. It may be frustrating for you to tone down your directness, but it will eventually be satisfying if you become more effective and his skills improve.

Your brother is lucky that you wish to include him in your family and help him improve, but, as generous as you are with your time and efforts, don’t be surprised to discover that you, too, don’t always sound the way you wish, or have the impact you intend. If so, helping your brother may be an opportunity for you to help yourself become better at communicating, teaching, and eliciting the positive response that you deserve.

The lessons you’re teaching him are important, but so is the way they’re taught. Consider trying a little more patience and a little less profanity, and you both might end up wiser for it.

STATEMENT:
I feel my brother needs a sharp kick in the ass to sharpen up his basic skills and no one but me is willing to do the hard job of giving it to him. I will examine the possibility that I can be more effective by developing positive teaching methods.

My father-in-law is very old school and insists on being the patriarch and paying for everything when my wife and I come to visit, but, given their financial situation, his generosity makes me extremely uncomfortable. He and his wife are retired, live on a fixed income, and get by on a very tight budget, but whenever we come to visit they take us out to dinner and he gets furious if I even try to pay. It makes me worry, and my wife and I try to find ways to do things for them, but my father-in-law keeps on giving and any attempt to pay him back just sets him off. My wife and I don’t want to drain their finances, but not if the only way is to stop visiting them. My goal is to avoid being stressed out by worries about my father-in-law’s meager resources.

Your father-in-law should be grateful for having a thoughtful son-in-law, but all he thinks is that you’re challenging his leadership. Fortunately, unless he buys you a new car or flies you to Hawaii, his generosity is unlikely to bankrupt him, and whatever sacrifice he endures is meaningful to him, so let him do things his way. In other words, stop worrying about his solvency and start saying “thank you” and shutting up.

If you can’t help but feel guilty, remind yourself that guilt means nothing unless you’ve done something wrong, and many people feel guilty about things they don’t control and have done right. As such, there’s no good reason for you to take responsibility for your father-in-law’s actions. General protectiveness may be a nice quality and a personality trait that is selected for because it helps the species survive, but it has nothing to do with morality.

Of course, you would avoid any gift that would seriously endanger your in-laws’ security; after all, you’d prefer not to have them living with you and have to battle with your father-in-law over who rules your roost. You can also ask your wife whether her mother would feel comfortable accepting gifts or cash without telling her husband.

In the meantime, however, don’t let guilt stop you from celebrating your father-in-law’s generosity, since it gives him great pleasure. Acknowledge the values he lives by, which include his determination to give to, and protect, the next generation.

If you find no reason to take responsibility for your father-in-law’s generosity, relax, give it respect, and remember, your turn will come.

STATEMENT:
“I feel bad when my father-in-law reaches for his wallet, but I know he values his ability to give to his kids and it’s a meaningful choice. I’ll respect his reasons for doing so.”