Fools of Engagement

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 23, 2015

Unless you’re a professional football player, litigator, or interventionist (or an amateur Asshole), you probably don’t enjoy confrontation. That’s usually a good thing, since there’s a reason that confrontation and incarceration sound so similar. It’s not good, however, if you’re just putting off a showdown while you try to understand your provocateur’s reasoning, or because you’re too forgiving of confrontation-worthy behavior. Like the football player, self-protection is one of your most important jobs, so learning how and when to take a stand requires the same amount of attention and follow-through as it takes for society to make laws and police to enforce them. If you do your job properly, you’ll know how to get through to someone without having to go pro and/or get into their face.
–Dr. Lastname

It took a while for my pizza shop to become successful because I’m an outsider in this very small community, but I’m a friendly person and my pizza is good, so I’m finally starting to get lots of regular customers. My problem is that one of those customers likes to come in for dinner two to three nights a week with his two very hyperactive little kids— they run around the restaurant, yell at one another, and bother all the other customers while dad ignores them, eats his pizza very slowly, and reads the newspaper. He makes me furious because I don’t understand how he can allow his kids to be so rude and obnoxious, and I’m worried about his driving other diners away. I’ve given him dirty looks and cleared his table forcefully, which he ignores. If I say anything, it just sounds angry, random, and, according to my brother who works with me, possibly offensive. My goal is to get this person to either stay away or leave the kids at home.

Whether you’re dealing with customers, relatives, or people who take up an entire overhead bin/park across three spaces/don’t wipe down the gym equipment when they’re done with it, it’s hard not to become over-reactive when people seem to disregard your expectations about personal space.

Unfortunately, the more reasonable you feel your expectations are, the more unreasonable you get when they’re ignored. If you were entirely rational, you’d assume their actions were their problem—evidence of stupidity or insensitivity rather than a personal insult—and do what was necessary to protect yourself. Unfortunately, you are not a robot, and, as such, you know from rage.

To you, rude people should know better and are disrespecting the rules of civilization. If they don’t respond to dirty looks or loud honks—indications that you are on to their willful disrespect—they are defying those rules and deserve punishment. While you, like so many, are tempted to provide that punishment, the result of such feelings, even when you’re dealing with your own kids, is almost always ugly and leads to trouble.

So stop expecting your customers to be civilized, or just knowingly uncivilized, and don’t feel obliged to improve their behavior. Instead, define the limits of bad behavior that you believe are acceptable in the space that’s your responsibility to control, then plan out a safe, polite and effective intervention.

In this case, you have good reason to consider this customer’s behavior as unacceptable because it burdens you, other diners, and really everyone but the dad himself. You know that going after him aggressively is equally unacceptable, but your more subtle attempts to go after him have gone over his head. That’s why it’s time to try the most efficient form of owner-to-patron communication—the sign.

Among roommates or co-workers, instructional signage comes off as an overly passive-aggressive gesture among peers, but as a business owner, you have the right to display the rules of your establishment to customers. If you put up a sign that says “Children Must Be Supervised At All Times” and your deadbeat dad still lets his kids terrorize the place, you are then free to confront him with all of the righteousness you’re entitled to but none of the outrage.

Without implying that he’s an Asshole (even though he is), tell him that you’re happy he enjoys your pizza, but there simply isn’t enough space in your restaurant for kids to run around unsupervised; his kids’ (hyper)activity affects other diners, and, if he’d like, you’d gladly provide a box for him to take his pizza to go. Then smile, offer no further explanation, and discourage further discussion. The sign has spoken, the proprietor has enforced, and the truth cannot be ignored.

If your goal is to get Assholes to see that they’re behaving badly, you will become embroiled in uncivilized conflict, which won’t do much to make the world, or your business, a better place. On the other hand, it will go a long way towards exhausting you and infuriating everyone who cares about you and your success.

If, however, you are simply trying to do what is right and necessary without sharing negative feelings or inviting discussion, you’ll become a powerful force for civilization, pizza, and decent travelers/parkers/general not-Assholes everywhere.

STATEMENT:
“I hate being annoyed by the bad behavior of other people’s kids, but I know how to manage bad parenting behavior when it’s my job to do so.”

My parents think my boyfriend is a difficult, high maintenance guy with drug problems, but they don’t know how many problems he’s overcome and how much better he’s doing now than when I first met him. Back then, when we were both kids, he used to do drugs all the time and never go to school, and his mother is so depressed she barely noticed. Since we started dating, he’s gotten his GED and started looking at community colleges, moved in with his sister’s family, and cut out everything but pot. He’s never had anyone who noticed him before, and now that I’m there for him, he’s really flourished. My goal is to get them to see he’s a good kid who has been through a lot and is very sweet and vulnerable.

It’s wonderful to help someone grow up and overcome a difficult childhood—there’s nothing shrinks like more, or do so rarely, as that—but your job in dating is not to heal a wounded bird with your love and help him soar. It’s to find a good partner, and a close relationship enabled by your healing touch is just one part of what’s required.

If your parents object to your relationship with your boyfriend because of his drug problems, you’re right to take pride in the progress he’s made towards sobriety since you joined his life. Don’t pay attention to concerns based on stigma or fear.

Ask yourself, however, what qualities you need in a life partner. Right now, you have someone who loves you and looks up to you as his lifeline out of addiction and chaos. In the future, however, he’s going to be the guy whom you’re asking to share in budget worries, diaper changes, or irritability management. And that won’t be that easy to do since he relies on his sister to share her couch and you for almost everything else.

Ask yourself how well he will manage your transition from guardian angel to cranky, needy equal in a healthy relationship. Be honest with yourself and consider whether he’ll overreact and retreat or have the strength to work hard on your common goals while tolerating your not-so-hot moods. Think about specific goals he’d have to meet to prove his worthiness, like finishing school, getting a job that allows him to pay rent, and trying a total sober lifestyle.

Don’t doubt the strength of character that has allowed your boyfriend to overcome parental neglect and drug addiction. Do respect your own adult needs and standards, however, before deciding that your boyfriend has what it takes, not just to be a better person, but a good, solid partner,

STATEMENT:
“I feel amazingly close to my boyfriend and he meets all my current needs, but I will require a hard-working, tolerant partner in the future who shares my adult interests and accepts the less ideal parts of my personality, and whether or not my boyfriend will be good for that job remains to be seen.”