Border of Protection
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 12, 2015
Life is unavoidably dangerous, whether you’re working, dating, or going to a dog show. Instead of getting patriotic and building up your personal arsenal, learn to protect yourself with your mental ability to identify and manage risk. You may decide you can keep yourself safe by being more exacting or by being less obsessive; either way, respect the value of your own standards after weighing your responsibilities and resources. Danger is always there, but considering the risks, not trying to kill them, is your best defense.
–Dr. Lastname
I’d like to find a committed partner, especially now that marriage is legal for me and mine, but I’ve just finished a period of intense dating that has left me with a strong desire to be alone. The guys I was dating weren’t bad, crazy, or nasty, they just weren’t that interesting, so even though I knew it wasn’t going to work, I always felt bad about hurting their feelings and cutting things off too quickly, and it all wore me out. My suspicion is that I really should be trying harder and meeting more guys instead of going on too many dates with guys I’m not that into, but I can’t find the energy. I’m not sure whether my goal is to do more dating or just resign myself to being a single guy.
Trying to fix an already busy search for a partner by asking yourself to spend more time dating seems like an odd fix; it’s like trying to make a tough struggle to lose weight easier by sampling more food so you can understand why you can’t eat it. It’s a good strategy for making you want to give up altogether.
The problem isn’t that you’re not putting yourself out there enough, but that you’re not putting your many dates under enough scrutiny; your goals have become reactive to other people’s feelings and not your own priorities. In an effort to protect your dates’ hearts, you’re punishing yourself.
It’s not that you shouldn’t try to make a good impression or hurt anyone’s feelings, but only if you remember that dating is a tiring, sometimes painful process, and that it’s your job to guard yourself again pricks while searching for a needle in a haystack (pun intended).
Unless you’re running for office, there’s nothing inherently enjoyable or redeeming about smiling at people and trying to get them to like you. Meanwhile, you’re head-hunting for a difficult position, because—and you know this from all your breakups—it’s hard to find someone who is attractive and solid and also has good enough chemistry to be worth spending lots of time with. So you need to be very, very clear about what you’re looking for and develop an efficient screening method that doesn’t require much time or energy per prospect.
It sounds like your intuition about people is good and you know quickly whether someone is a possible candidate. So do 99 percent of your screening by phone, email or text and disengage quickly the moment someone fails to meet your checklist of absolute requirements. If necessary, use a friend or therapist as a dating coach to make sure you don’t let guilt or an oversensitivity to the needs of others slow you down.
Save actual dating for people you’ve decided are likely prospects. Of course, there’s no way you can protect yourself entirely even with careful screening, so you may get hurt or draw a dud. It is your job, however, to maximize your chance of success while not exposing yourself to additional pain.
Protection is key; good boundaries will keep you safe from socially transmitted duds, a.k.a. bad dates, who can infect your search.
Just like the dieter, you have to find the balance between starving and gorging yourself. Then you’ll find the match/meal that’s right for you.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand the feeling I get when I reject someone, but I know I’ll cause more pain by dating someone I don’t really like than by being tough and selective, so I’ll develop good, strong selection techniques.”
My boss thought he was doing me a big favor when he gave me an administrative assistant, but she’s messy and not careful about details, and I really can’t stand the quality of her work. When I complained to my boss, he looked over the documents she produced and said they were good enough because the mistakes were all superficial and format-related, and I shouldn’t worry so much. Still, I’m proud of being careful and driven to succeed, and I don’t like to be associated with sloppy crap, so I wind up doing all the work myself, anyway. Now I’m tired and pissed off with the assistant, and I’m annoyed with the boss for not supporting me. My goal is to figure out a way to get better work out of my assistant so I don’t blow up at my boss, who will then see me as an ungrateful guy.
Your meticulousness may be a great source of pride, but if you’re not careful, it could also be your downfall. Yes, it probably boosted your grades in school and helped you make a wonderful impression on new employers as you started your career. Unfortunately, however, once it’s known that you’re a good, conscientious worker, your responsibilities increase and you either learn how to prioritize and delegate, or you burst into flames.
It will probably always hurt to delegate tasks to people whose standards are lower than yours. Your job. however, is not to feel good, but to fulfill your tasks in a manner your boss finds satisfactory, then get the fuck out.
Put aside your wish for a solution that would allow you to feel good about a meticulous document, because the more you wish for it, the more trouble you’ll create for yourself. You’ll overwork, stay late, and eventually explode. You’re there to make a living, not beautiful product.
Instead, make yourself miserable now in order to protect yourself later. Learn to tolerate your secretary’s half-assed work, reminding yourself that your boss is happy with it. After all, at this time in your career, you should learn how to do good-enough work rather than produce perfect gems, even if it gives you an anxiety attack. You’re there to work, make money, and support yourself, not to produce pages of perfection.
Develop your own principles for compromising and prepare for short-term pain. In the long run, if you become better at protecting yourself from overwork, you’ll produce more work for better money. Then, you’re hard (enough) work will pay off.
STATEMENT;
“I hate to produce substandard work, but it’s time I defined standards for myself. My work should be good enough, given what I’m asked for, what they pay me, and the resources available. It may never feel like I’ve done enough, but I will limit my performance so that I can create an effective team and have a life of my own.”
