Release the Bounds

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 23, 2015

Interpersonal boundaries are a lot like women’s tights; they’re usually too loose or too restricting, and, in either case, almost everything about them is uncomfortable. How much sharing you do in a relationship may initially depend on habit, impulse, or neediness, but, in the end, whether you’re too loose or cutting off the world/circulation, the consequences may or may not be optimal. In any case, don’t let instinct or impulse (or a control top) control your relationships. Learn what works and apply some thought and method to your sharing, and everything will fall into place.
–Dr. Lastname

I love my mother, but she’s a very chatty, open person and, since she got her new smartphone, she loves to text me frequently during the day. I wouldn’t mind so much, except that her texts usually invite an answer or generally put me in an awkward position, like “Did you see what happened to the old nail salon?” or “why do you think your father is being so stubborn this time?” Then I have to stop and think of how to give her an answer that won’t be rude or get me involved in some family drama, all without requiring more than two or three word answers. My goal is to get her to stop and respect my other responsibilities without hurting her feelings.

Usually, we disappoint at least one person everyday, from the co-worker who didn’t get a response to his office birthday poll email to the barista who felt her latte art skills had earned her a fifty percent tip, without losing any sleep. When the disappointed party is a parent, however, it can make you lose your mind.

When it comes to confronting your mother about her textbook texting abuse, you might think you’re just worried about hurting her feelings, but you’re probably even more worried about the guilt you’ll feel when you can’t give her what she wants. It’s a normal child’s reflex, particularly if she seems to depend on your response, but you’re not just an adult, but one who doesn’t have the time to stare at your phone and gossip with your mom all day.

Unfortunately, the more you push yourself to meet her needs, the more likely you are to become impatient, irritable, and even more guilty. So forget your mother’s emotions for a moment and think about the factors that you think should determine how much attention you should give her.

Being by asking yourself how busy you are and how much priority you should give to sustaining other relationships and activities, like whether it will get you into trouble at work or rob of time with your kids. Don’t discount your mother’s responsibility for keeping herself busy or finding someone else more available to chat with. Then set your own standards for responding, assuming there will be times you won’t be able or willing, and that she may protest or complain.

Prepare a statement about your availability that isn’t defensive and doesn’t invite discussion while positively recognizing your pleasure in having a good relationship and knowing she’s thinking about you. As much as you appreciate her attention, however, remind her that you can’t always respond right away because you have so much going on at work and at home.

You may not be able to stop her from complaining or prevent yourself from feeling guilty, but you can nevertheless create standards of your own and live up to them. After all, when you’re doing your best, at least you can’t disappoint yourself.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t help feeling I should respond when my mother texts, but I know I have other legitimate priorities and that her needs aren’t urgent. I will stay positive in my response, even if she’s unhappy.”

I mind my own business at work because what I have to do is demanding, so the more I separate it from the rest of my life, the better. Besides, I don’t like distraction and I hate gossip, so when people drop by and like to chat about their dates or their family, I let them know I’m busy. I avoid the office kitchen because I don’t want to talk about last night’s TV show or sporting event. All I really want to do is survive another grinding day, go home and relax, and then cash my paycheck every two weeks. My boss, however, says that everyone is hardworking and it’s good to take a few minutes to establish friendly relationships with co-workers. My goal is to figure out how to be just chummy enough to get my boss of my back.

It’s often helpful, in an office environment, to keep your feelings to yourself and stay focused on work, but many jobs also require communication and cooperation, or just a certain level of forced camaraderie in order to boost productivity and morale. Given that your only requirements are having your boundaries respected and your services paid for in full, you and your boss’ needs appear to be at odds.

That doesn’t mean you should treat your co-workers like family, regardless of the fact that your job may be urging you to do just that. It means you should develop your own way of working with people while keeping a lid on personal feelings and needs. Basically, it’s time to add “acting” to the special skills section of your resume.

Begin by estimating the amount of time you should assign to small talk, taking into account your other work priorities and the formal and informal nature of your job description. Then list a bunch of topics that might be interesting, aren’t personal, and won’t stir up disagreement, like how much you enjoyed that new pizza place nearby or how you can’t wait for winter to be over. You’re simply trying to get along and show that you’re mildly friendly, harmless, and easy to work with.

Don’t feel obliged to be too close, open, or sympathetic, and assure yourself you can disengage and get back to work when your allotted small-talk time is up. Think of such conversations as like teeth cleanings; while they’re awkward and uncomfortable, they’re also fairly brief, and once you get it over with you’ve earned lots of time to keep your mouth shut.

Spending a little more time on work relationships may frustrate you when it interrupts your concentration on a work task or seems to add another challenge to an already difficult workday. Without trying to win a popularity contest, however, you can become more productive, and win more cooperation, if you can accept that engaging in a little small talk can help you meet your own bigger professional goals.

STATEMENT:
“I feel better finishing my projects than talking with people who would rather not be working, but many projects require teamwork, so I will make learning small-talk as my newest project.”