Stress Direct

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 12, 2015

We often say that being anxious has its benefits; after all, if you didn’t have nervous genes, your ancestors wouldn’t have been on edge enough to notice that angry mammoth by the watering hole and you wouldn’t be here today. Anxiety doesn’t work, however, if you’re so stressed that you can’t get the nerve to even leave your cave, or if you refuse to see a problem because it’s stressful and insist the charging mammoth is just a big happy dog. In any case, don’t let the unpleasant nature of stress push you to obsess over it or ignore it; learn to evaluate danger, whether you feel stressed or relaxed, and you’ll become better at both protecting yourself and appreciating the security you’ve created. Hopefully, your ancestors will appreciate your efforts.
–Dr. Lastname

I feel that nothing in my life is going in a good direction. I’ve learned an immense amount from my former båsusiness partner—she cashed out last spring–but I don’t think I’m that good at sales without her strategy behind me, so I’m short of money, as usual. The business itself is valuable, so I’m not out on the street yet, but I’m not eager to sell because every single one of these jokers making offers can’t be trusted not to ruin everything I worked so hard to create. Basically, I don’t see anything working out, and I don’t see what I can do about it except lose everything and die penniless. My goal is to figure out how to get out of this trap.

If pessimists see the glass as half-empty and optimists see it as half-full, anxious/depressive people see it as evidence that they’re failures who ruin everything they touch. And that’s true even if the glass is full to the brim, because they can see evidence of their worthlessness in anything if they squint hard enough.

My guess is that you’re good at many things, but self-assessment isn’t one of them. You may not feel anxious or depressed, but you’re describing the same sort of distorted perspective. After all, most people who start and own their own successful business feel trapped.

You don’t feel successful, in part, because of your own money problems; it can be very discouraging when you’ve got almost all it takes to do something challenging, but something gets in the way of your making decent money, like an inability to think strategically. You also don’t see the big picture, so it’s probably easier for others to cash in on your good work than it is for you to profit yourself.

From what you’ve said, however, you also work hard, learn a lot, and follow through on your responsibilities. You’ve made significant achievements and built up financial worth, even if you’re not a strategic thinking and have fallen short of where you’d like to be. You have a good business you can sell and new skills you can market or you can hire someone to compensate for your weakness. That means what’s getting in your way isn’t weakness, but those feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and pessimism.

Assess the value of your business, as well as the marketability of your personal skills. Seek advice from someone who’s objective and positive; don’t look for a therapist to hold your hand, but a coach who appreciates your strengths, ignores your self-evaluation, and comes up with ideas on how you can take better advantage of your accomplishments.

You may never be a good strategist or have a positive outlook, but hard work and persistence are powerful in themselves as long as you don’t let negative thinking get in your way.

Get some help, keep doing what you do, and even if you never see the glass as half-full, you’ll be able to cash in on your hard work sooner than later and will stop seeing your bank account as empty.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I have little to show for tons of work and that the business I’ve worked so hard to create will wind up getting ruined by others, but I know I’ve created something of value, I’m entitled to take advantage of it, and, with a little help, I can use it to build financial security.”

When my brother asked me for a big loan to make his lifelong dream come true and open a restaurant, I didn’t hesitate— he’s an excellent cook, he’s worked in restaurants for years, and I love him to death. But when I told my wife how much money I’d agreed to loan him, and it is a lot of money, she lost her mind. I told her how much this means to my brother, and how he’d never be able to do this without my help because he screwed up his credit in college, but she doesn’t care. She’s not going to let me “throw away” most of our kids’ college fund because she says that restaurants, no matter who opens them, are usually terrible investments and we’d never get our money back. I think she’s wrong, and that she should have more faith in my deal-making ability, even if we don’t have a huge nest egg. Besides, I can’t refuse my brother’s pleas for help. My goal is to get my wife to calm down and see that this loan is the right thing to do.

If you believe that a brother’s plea for help automatically trumps any other claim on your resources, then you’re not alone, especially if you live in one of those rocky or sandy corners of the globe where the society is tribal; in these places, demands from fathers and brothers are put ahead of almost everything else, women’s opinions are put below everything else, and everyone either dies in childbirth or fighting the endless war against the tribe one mountain over.

Of course, no matter what your religion or tribal background, helping your brother would make you feel good, just as not helping him would make you feel guilty and maybe stir up complaints from him and the rest of your immediate family. I’ll assume, however, that your goal isn’t to feel generous or avoid guilt, but to do the right thing.

I’ll also assume you share leadership responsibility for your own family with your wife. In that case, you should make no agreement to invest in your brother’s restaurant without first consulting her. You shouldn’t even consult her until first taking into account her contribution to your family and the risk your investment creates for all of you, kids included. That’s because it’s not right to commit resources that don’t entirely belong to you, or to create risks that you haven’t evaluated objectively and that your spouse hasn’t agreed to assume.

Instead of trying to override your wife, apologize to her for making major loans/donations without her agreement. Then pitch the idea to her as a banker would, in terms of the resources it will tie up, the amount you will recover if things don’t work out, and the impact a default will have on your security and priorities.

After you make your case, regardless of how you feel, wait to move ahead until she gives her approval and don’t complain if she doesn’t. Remember, your responsibility for the survival and welfare of the family you’ve started together is more important than your not-responsibility to bring joy to your brother and parents.

In all probability, your spouse will refuse to agree to a loan that risks the family college fund, but you should also take into account that you’d be losing more than money; if your brother defaulted on the loan, the damage could cause you to lose that relationship, as well.

So don’t let guilt and concern for your brother’s happiness interfere with your primary responsibilities, beginning with your marital partnership. You have your own little tribe to protect, and doing right by them is doing the right thing, period.

STATEMENT:
“It kills me to deny my brother anything he asks for, but I run my own family now, and I can’t decide to give him a major loan without considering the impact on my family and seeking the agreement of my spouse.”