Keep an Even Zeal

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 9, 2015

Passion, love, and misery are like the rich foods of emotion; trying to banish them from your life altogether is as impossible (and saddening) as attempting to consume them non-stop. Passion especially, like a buttery steak, always gives apparent meaning to life, but too much can push you into taking dumb risks and too little can cause you to undervalue who you are. Ultimately, there are other values that matter more, like thoughtfulness, patience, and fiber, which is why moderation is key. If you can avoid pursuing heavy foods or feelings to excess, and remember the real basics, then they can enrich your life without weighing it down.
–Dr. Lastname

What is love? Some might say its a kaleidoscope of happiness, fun, visions coming together of two different personalities to settle for a better future. Love gives you a canvas to paint your future with colors of happiness and joy. For me it was a life changing experience because it happened with someone who was completely different from me. I first thought it could change us for the better¬—two people coming together to create a better future with a scope of mending oneself for the happiness of other, and it didn’t seem a hard task considering the happiness it involved—but I was shattered to learn that it was just a sham. My point of view didn’t matter, the pain didn’t matter, the agony didn’t matter, all that mattered was her nature, her attitude, her look out towards things. It took me four long years to come to this reality but it was too late…all it took was a whisker of a second to wake from that slumber of false hope. When it did it was all too late but for the better of both the individuals because four years of struggle were prevented from turning into a lifelong of pain. My goal is to remain outside the bubble of so-called stigma called LOVE.

To paraphrase the famous Homer Simpson quote about alcohol, love is the cure to and the source of all of life’s problems. It’s given us excellent pop songs, drunk wedding toasts, and, for most people, moments of true happiness. It’s also given us terrible pop songs, sober divorces, and, of course, lessons in true misery.

As such, it’s not unnatural to want to recreate lost love if you feel, as so many do, that it gave meaning and importance to everything you did and do. One way of holding onto it is just expounding on it with all the meaning and emotion the written word can allow, as you’ve done above.

The danger, as you point out, is that love can draw you to someone who has different values, wants different things, and is maybe just not a nice person. It blinds you to dangers and the risk of breakup while offering such a strong illusion of deep meaning.

As you describe your lost love, you now realize that your relationship wasn’t solid and that you’re better off without it. Unfortunately, you also sound as if the sensation of love still haunts you and calls you back, which makes you vulnerable to both making the same mistake if the opportunity presents itself and creating a public, purple, possibly-regrettable written record of your heartbreak.

There’s no way to stop your yearnings, but focusing on your loss may make them worse. In effect, you’re telling yourself you could have had your dream if only you had found the right partner, which is just setting yourself up for another loss.

Instead, beware what love-yearnings can do to you, body, soul, and writing. Protect yourself from your vulnerability by examining what you really need in a partner, other than someone to love. Ask friends or a therapist for advice. Draw on your knowledge of what works, rather than your feelings about what has made you deliriously happy or excruciatingly sad. Go for a walk, watch a movie, or just spend time with your dog when you’re lonely, rather than allowing yourself to make long telephone calls, write poems, or otherwise dwell on memories that will only make the loneliness worse.

If, in spite of loneliness, you can ignore your need for a repeat ecstatic experience and instead focus on what you need for a partnership to last, you will have made good use of this lost love, regardless of how much it hurts.

Learn what you need to know to avoid making the same mistake twice. Love only becomes the main cause of your joy and/or pain when it drives your decision making; follow your brain as well as your heart, and you’ll find a happy medium.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stop thinking about how much we loved one another before she betrayed what we had together, but I will stop thinking about how wonderful it felt and instead focus on what I should learn and do differently next time.”

I don’t hate my office job and it pay the bills, but I can’t claim I love it or that it’s my passion, so after reading a book about the importance of doing something you really care about, I feel like a loser. The thing is, all I’ve really cared about doing is making enough money to buy a car, but I never had a calling or anything. Now I think I should reexamine my life, figure out what my passions are, and try to make a better choice of career. My goal is to avoid feeling like I’m wasting my life.

Doing something you really love in life, even if you don’t make much money, is an attractive and inspirational idea, and many people talk about it as if it’s a choice available to one and all. Unfortunately, not everyone can choose to follow their passion, especially if it’s a choice that can only be made at the expense of feeding your kids, and not everyone has a passion to discover in the first place.

Meanwhile, all passions aside, survival takes work, especially since bad luck can take you down you at any time. Then being a decent person takes more work, particularly if you have a family to support. So if you spend too much time looking for your passion, or questioning your lack of it, you may well mess up your higher priorities and more important commitments. Remember, there are lots of guys in homeless shelters who have a passion for drinking booze, and they’ve followed their passion right into life’s toilet.

So don’t assume that you should be doing what you’re passionate about, or that you’re a failure if work is boring, or that you’ll be saddled with regret if you don’t find your calling ASAP. Instead, remember the other values and priorities that drive your life when you start listing important work requirements. At the very least, think of money, health, security, location, flexible hours, and the quality of the workplace environment.

By all means, look for opportunities to do what you do well, discover your interests, and find a way to squeeze passion and imagination into whatever you do for a living. If, however, you’re often forced to compromise and wind up, during an economic downswing, doing a boring job in a small cubicle with bad lighting next to an Asshole who talks too loud, don’t feel like a failure.

As long as you’re living up to your values and doing what’s necessary, a shitty job should never cause you to feel ashamed. Indeed, you should be particularly proud of the fact that you’re doing something extra tough for the right reason; you’re answering the greater calling to be a good human being.

STATEMENT:
“I’m indifferent to my job, but I’ve looked at the alternatives and thought hard about my abilities and resources. As long as it’s what I have to do for the time being, I’m proud of my willingness to do it and do it well.”