Flaw Partners

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 26, 2015

Evaluating a conflict within a relationship is a lot like doing detective work; sometimes a case is solved easily with nothing more than the broad strokes, and other times every particle of DNA is a necessary part of the puzzle. In relationships, big disputes over basic issues don’t require examining detail, whereas minor spats over specific matters necessitate the full “CSI: Marriage” treatment. No matter how thorough the required investigation, evaluate your needs and actions so that you can get the evidence to close the case for good.
–Dr. Lastname

FYI, I’ve had a rough life, but I’ve have enlisted the help of a therapist to help me get over the hurdles holding me back. Now my long term boyfriend (not fiancé or husband) has pushed me to breaking point with his selfish behavior, so after three years of making excuses for him, I finally ended our relationship. He wants back in– I don’t trust him anymore based on his actions, but he is begging to show me that he understands where he has gone wrong and is trying to change. I’m thinking, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me,” but these fucked up feelings for him are weighing on me and I can’t bring myself to let go. With an intelligent brain full of patterns to recognize, and if given a sharp wake up call, is he capable of changing his behavior enough to warrant me giving him another shot? Or should I listen to my own intelligence and kick his ass to the curb? My goal is to strengthen my instincts enough to recognize people I don’t need in my life and increase the size of my cojones enough to say enough is enough.

It would be easier to evaluate your ex’s worthiness if you’d given a more detailed inventory of his crimes, but deciding whether or not to stay with someone or take them back has a lot less to do with what exactly they’ve done wrong and more with what you expect any worthy partner to do right.

Your ex could have lied, cheated and stolen, or he could have just hogged the DVR and forgotten to squeegee the shower door; the process for figuring out what to do with him/for you is exactly the same.

Of course, you may also feel like your stubborn love for him should be factored in, but, not surprisingly, we find that smart decision-making and feelings rarely mix. So if you’re trying to decide whether to restart a relationship that failed because of your ex-partner’s bad behavior, do a top to bottom review of what you want, what went wrong, and what evidence you see that he has the motivation and the ability to make the necessary changes.

Begin by listing what you require in any worthy partner, making sure not to overrate his ability to make you happy or have nice talks. In evaluating your ex, include the partnership goal that his bad behavior interfered with; for example, if your goal is to have a partner you can trust not to give you gonorrhea, and his screwing around made that dream impossible, it would be wise to take that into account.

Don’t pay too much attention to the sincerity or vehemence of his desire to please you. Instead, figure out a way to measure his bad behavior or, better yet, the presence of improved behavior by creating a challenging test that allows him to demonstrate these improvements under difficult conditions and for a prolonged period of time.

For instance, if his temper was the problem that he promised to change, go on some dates to the DMV or Costco on a Saturday and see whether he acts up accordingly or has actually worked on ways to keep his anger in check. Ask yourself whether he’s tried to change before and in what way this time is different. Look for facts and progress, not promises.

If he acts badly because he can’t recognize his impact on others, decide whether you’re willing to train him or whether you really don’t want someone who needs constant close management. If you think he’s worth the effort, spell out what behavior should change and see what happens. Give him credit and encouragement, but don’t get too close too soon. Wait until he’s shown sustained improvement, even when you’re not particularly pleasant to be with. Ask a friend or therapist to review your observations and conclusions about his risk of relapse.

Once you’ve carefully thought through what you want from someone and how much he can actually provide, you’ll know where you two stand. With or without him, you may have a tough road ahead, but it’s worth it if you’ve reviewed the facts (whether you’ve shared those facts or not).

STATEMENT:
“I’m burnt out by my ex-boyfriend’s bad behavior, but I’ll take advantage of his desire to change to do an objective analysis of what I require and what improvement he would need to demonstrate. In the process, I will improve my ability to protect myself and define my partnership requirements.”

I sometimes wonder whether my wife and I should stay married when we can’t communicate about basic things. The other night, we were talking at a dinner party and she suddenly interrupted me to say I was being rude because I had asked our friends inappropriate questions. I didn’t really agree with her and thought the whole incident was humiliating. Later, I asked our daughter (she’s in college) what she thought and she didn’t think I said anything wrong. Then, the next day, my wife and I were talking to a neighbor in the yard and my wife asks a pointed question that was really rude. I told her she was doing the same thing she accused me of doing, and it started a major fight. My goal is either to figure out how I can get her to see how hypocritical she is for criticizing me for what she does herself, or to figure out why we’re together at all when I’m never sure when she’s going to jump on me for something minor and trivial.

While criticism from your wife about your social behavior can cause hurt, self-doubt, and humiliation, don’t try to change her opinion until you’ve given yourself a chance to use your own judgment. Otherwise, you’re giving more respect to her views, even though you believe they’re untrue, than you are to your own.

I assume, from what you haven’t said, that you have no problem with your wife’s reliability, the depth of her contribution, or your ability to raise children together, i.e., her ability to meet your basic partnership requirements. The issue you’re having pertains to the details of something you said and what she said was wrong with it, so examine this specific incident and decide whether she was right or wrong.

You’ve had an opportunity to review your words and ask your daughter’s opinion, and concluded that you did nothing wrong. If you thought otherwise, you should apologize. Instead, you’ve decided that you can’t always trust your wife’s judgment.

You’ve already tried in vain to change her mind, so unless you want to fight even more, leave her mind alone. Instead, let her know you think her criticism was undeserved and hurtful, and that it was not right for her to embarrass you by doing it in front of others. Don’t expect to change her, but do prepare to withdraw from conversation when you think criticism is unfair and when talking about it is pointless.

Above all, remind yourself that your judgment is what matters and that you shouldn’t allow hurt feelings to make you a prisoner of your wife’s bad mood. Think more about your standards, stop communicating when there’s no more to say, and you’ll become a stronger person and, probably, have a stronger marriage.

STATEMENT:
“I feel helpless and humiliated when my wife ambushes me with unfair, public criticism, but I know when I don’t deserve it. I will stand up for my beliefs without letting myself be drawn into fights or arguments when there are better things to do.”