Destruction Manual
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 22, 2015
If there was an ancient koan about self-destructive people, it would probably question whether the constant screw-ups are caused by making crazy decisions, or failing to make good ones (and maybe a leaf and stream would be involved). Unfortunately, some actively self-destructive people are the way they are, and some passive failures just can’t be who they should be. So, if you’re perplexed by someone who can’t do right or can’t avoid doing wrong, don’t assume you can help or that they can help themselves. Take a careful look at their ability to accept help and do better before deciding whether help is possible, blame deserved, and certain riddles (and people) would best be left alone.
–Dr. Lastname
My sister has always had a lot of struggles in her life, starting from when she came out at a young age and lost our mother soon after. My dad has given her a lot of support financially over the years and continues to do so, even though she’s got a partner (male) and a baby whom we all adore and look after any chance we get. Here is where the rest of the family and I are starting to get concerned; ever since my niece was born, my sister smokes pot daily with the baby right beside her, and recently she’s been making some rash decisions: breaking up with her partner who loves her and supports her; dating a woman with a history of being unstable and bringing her to their house; and planning to move out although she has no job/income. The whole situation is starting to take its toll on my aging dad (who is very involved in the care of her child) as well as the rest of the family, and if anyone tries to broach our concerns with her she explodes into a rage. Ultimately I think the root of the problem is the pot addiction (maybe combined with the anti-depressants), her unwillingness to quit smoking, and the fact that our nephew is affected. We are all at a loss as to what to do and how to approach it for fear of alienating her and thus our nephew, but we need to set some boundaries around our support for her. Or, do we stay out and let her live her life, meanwhile watching how it affects our nephew and divides the family? Our goal is to figure out how to offer help without getting cut off and heartbroken.
Unfortunately, you’re right in assuming that your sister will probably respond negatively to any limits you place on her. In short, if you imply that she’s fucking up her life, she’ll say fuck you, but with you and your family cut off, your niece will be extra fucked over.
The key to not making things worse as you try to help is remembering that some people are just like that and can’t be rescued. You can be sure that your sister’s messing up her life because she’s designed to do just that; she’s a human wrecking ball, but nobody’s at the controls.
After all, she doesn’t want to hurt herself or her daughter, but her intensely needy, self-centered, negative emotions will always drive her to cut off her nose to spite her face, because, from her unique/toxic point of view, her nose is somehow attacking her and was generally asking for it.
Shrinks consider it a kind of illness (Borderline Character Disorder), and know just as much about it as you do, i.e., they have a name for a group of symptoms, but they don’t have a set treatment, cure, or anything but instructions to duck and cover. So ignore your fear and anger while you and your father figure out the unavoidable impact of her decisions on her daughter’s security and your ability to help.
Keep anger and blame to yourself when discussing possible harm to your niece, instead expressing sympathy for your sister’s inability to give her daughter as much support and protection as she’d like. Just tell her you know it’s hard for her when she feels unloved, and you’re happy she’s found someone who is really on her wavelength, but you’re afraid things will fall apart unless her new love is also steady.
Don’t imply that she and her new love don’t have a meaningful connection, just show concern for other factors that may undermine their stability and security, such as mood swings, an unfortunate lack of employable skills, and other kinds of bad luck. Cite the unfortunate limits on the amount of help you and your father can provide, i.e., that your father’s resources will probably shrink as he gets older, and that, sadly, you can’t take her in.
Life will have to teach your sister its lessons while you stand on the sidelines and root for her to learn and grow stronger. If she winds up homeless, on the other hand, the courts may allow you to tag in and have more influence over your niece’s safety and custody at that time.
Meanwhile, be proud of your family’s love and generosity, without letting feelings of responsibility for her welfare interfere with your other commitments. You might be fucked, but you’re not failing your niece, or each other.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t watch my sister make terrible decisions without wanting to help her and rescue her daughter, but I can’t change the fact that her character has weaknesses that aren’t going to change. I will limit my help to what I can afford and take pride in the patience it requires to help someone who will always criticize me for not giving more.”
My husband is driving me crazy, and now I think he’s either stupid, lazy, or maybe both. When I told him I needed him to help out more around the house, he agreed wholeheartedly and without any argument. When I actually ask him to do specific things, however, like buy more trash bags, do the dishes, etc., he finds a way to fuck up every single time, like he’s trying to fuck up so I won’t ask him to do that task again. I know that sounds mean, but so many of the things I ask him to do are so simple that you have to work hard to find a way to do them wrong. When I tell him he should have just told me he didn’t want to run the errand instead of passively screwing up so bad that I’d have to redo it anyway, he insists he meant to do the right thing and it was an honest mistake. But he’s a very smart man, so I can’t believe that when I asked him to go to the store to get spaghetti he genuinely thought that bringing back a can of some kids’ spaghetti goop was what I had in mind. My goal is to either get him to be more honest or get his head examined.
When a bright husband fucks up simple domestic tasks, it’s natural to suspect him of using deliberate incompetence to sneakily disqualify himself from doing jobs he just doesn’t like. You may be right, or you may just be sabotaging your relationship by feeling you’re working harder than your partner, so it’s worth considering other possibilities.
Check out whether your husband is one of those people who is book-smart but life-dumb, because they really do exist outside of movies and TV shows with math geniuses in them. Find out how he handled chores when he was living on his own, and ask yourself whether he drops the ball at work with simple tasks while successfully completing ones that are more complicated and challenging. Look for an uneven record at school or specialization in work that doesn’t require multitasking and complex juggling.
If, as expected, you find that he’s cognitively challenged rather than lazy or dishonest, then learn how to give instructions more specifically and make yourself available for follow-up and checking. Practice the same techniques that were used by the teachers and bosses he was most successful with.
Yes, it requires you to do more work, and no, that isn’t fair, but life isn’t fair and learning special techniques is better than the alternatives, like getting fed up by doing everything yourself, getting furious at your husband all the time, and/or getting divorced.
Even if it turns out that he’s lazy and sneaky, ask yourself whether he’s a good enough and hard-working-enough person to be worth the trouble. If he is, accept the fact that he has his faults, you’ve chosen to stick with him for good reason, and the partnership will work better if you expect less and shut up about it. If he isn’t, then at least you know for sure he’s not stupid.
It’s natural to be irritated, but you’ll do best, for your partnership and family, if you keep irritation from interfering with a careful assessment of your husband’s actual flexibility and his ability to contribute his share, even if he isn’t a fake at taking direction wrong.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand knowing my husband will fuck up the simplest task and being unable to get him to listen and do better, but I can figure out how much control he actually has, without using an MRI, and adjust my expectations and communication accordingly.”
