Proof of Strife

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 19, 2015

Strong feelings, like sports victories and financial losses, often seem inherently important and noteworthy, but, in reality, they mean very little taken out of context. Sometimes you feel something strongly just because you’re especially touchy (or don’t feel that much because you’re comfortable and momentarily undisturbed), so, as with an extra-inning win for a team that’s already been eliminated or a million dollar loss to a billionaire, it’s a small blip in the bigger picture. Don’t then jump to conclusions about your strong feelings, or their absence, until you’ve considered what you’re after and what you consider most important. Then you’ll know whether your feelings are a big deal or a bunch of nothing.
–Dr. Lastname

Let me preface this by saying that I am seeing a psychiatrist and on two medications, yet I continue to struggle with depression, as well as multiple sclerosis (MS). My problem though involves my husband, who has been my rock. When I met him, he was a hunk. We created two gorgeous children thanks to his gene pool; I often think that if I didn’t carry them people wouldn’t believe they were mine! He is a stand-up guy who comes from a great loving family, does the laundry, buys the groceries and cooks when I can’t— he even makes the coffee every the morning. I absolutely love my husband, but…am I still in love with him? I know that he’s great, and the sex isn’t bad, but I’ve just lost that loving feeling, as the saying goes. My goal, I guess, is to get that loving feeling back.

Many feelings—loving, hating, hurting, etc.—are sometimes experienced more intensely by people with MS because of subtle changes in the brain. It can act like a magnifying glass, blowing up your every emotion and, in some cases, leaving a burn.

In your case, your love for your husband hasn’t intensified, but your need to feel in love with your husband, and awareness that you aren’t as intensely in love as you once were, have become overpowering. And having strong feelings about weak feelings can feel like a strong force striking your brain.

Luckily, there’s no reason you can or should change your feelings. What you should do, however, is question their importance when compared with your values, sense of the alternatives, and the possible influence of your illness.

Of course, you can try to inject a little romance into your marriage, and it’s always important to create together time, if you haven’t already. If you try too hard to create romance in a long-term relationship, however, you wind up disappointed and defeated, so be careful not to expect too much. Most happily married couples don’t feel romantic very often, particularly when they’re raising kids and have to ration their time, money, and energy.

Then, once you know how much romance you can reasonably expect your marriage to provide, ask yourself whether the alternative to this marriage is better or worse. Realistically, chances are that looking elsewhere will cause you and your family terrible financial and emotional trouble, and your new romance, even if it starts out strong, is likely to weather and age. Just listen to some old country and western songs, and you’ll get the idea of where those yearnings are going (to the bottom of a bottle, a jail cell, or the end of the line are some common destinations).

Unless you come up with a better plan, your job is to accept the loss of romance, so you can work actively on a good partnership, and acknowledge the gain to your emotional experience. Ignore the sad thoughts about what you’ve lost and think actively about the goals you have for your family and the evident progress you’ve made in achieving them. If necessary, get a coach or therapist to help you fight the MS- and depression-fueled thoughts about how you should be happier.

Be careful with your feelings; you have two illness that give them an extra negative punch, so you need to learn to block in order to stay standing. If you’re careful and remember your values, however, you can unmagnify those feelings and keep them actual size while preventing them from scorching what you’ve worked hard to create.

STATEMENT:
“I miss being in love, but I have a loving family that works well even when I’m not well. I will put my values and accomplishments ahead of feelings about disappointed needs and expectations.”

Sometimes I can’t believe I married my wife, because she gets on my nerves so much I’d like to scream, and I never used to be like that. It’s true, we get along well sometimes, and we both love the kids. She works hard and I can count on her, but my job has become a lot more demanding in the last couple of years, and things have changed between us. Sometimes she’ll go after me about the way I leave dishes in the sink when I’ve done just as much housework as she has, and I really feel like I could throw those dishes at her head. My goal is to figure out whether it’s unhealthy for me to stay in a marriage when I feel this way, and whether it’s good for the kids.

It’s amazingly painful to be criticized by close family, and perhaps you’re lucky if you’ve grown up with relatives who are polite, supportive, and nothing but loving with one another. On the other hand, not growing up with hate leaves you unprepared for life. Fortunately, if your childhood was that idyllic, your marriage is remedying that deficit.

Sure, in a fair world your wife wouldn’t charge you with sanitation crimes just when you’d knocked yourself out and need a hug, and you wouldn’t find yourself getting in touch with your dark side and want to dish-toss. If you graded a good marriage, however, by its fairness and freedom from conflict, there would be few high scores and fewer silver anniversaries.

What’s worse, breaking up all the couples that bicker and fume would result in a lot more tears, poverty, sad children, and even more bickering and fuming, and the only people who would gain would be divorce lawyers, couples therapists, and dishwear designers. You’re working hard, and being married has become harder, but that doesn’t mean that your marriage is impossible.

Instead of flinching from your anger, or devaluing your marriage because it sometimes erupts on you, take pride in your ability to tolerate destructive feelings without acting like a jerk and making them worse.

Then, when you’ve calmed down, rate your marriage by how well it fulfills your values, and what your life would be like without it, not by how very unhappy it sometimes makes you feel. Think of what would happen to your life if you couldn’t count on your wife, considering the impact on the kids, your work, and your long-term need for a good, trusted companion.

From what you say, your marriage may not be idyllic, but it’s strong. Sure, it drives you crazy and, in all probability, that’s something you can’t change, but life can sometimes make you crazy, and that doesn’t mean it’s not worth living. If you can remember what matters more, you can protect yourself from overreacting and instead respect and nourish the partnership you have, and even enjoy it.

STATEMENT:
“When I’m really irritated with my wife, I can’t understand why we married, but when I’m not upset and realize how much we can count on one another without thinking about it, I know we’ve succeeded in the ways that matter most.”