Final Estimation

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 8, 2015

Unless you’re a robot, lobotomized, or the anti-cable news pundit, it’s impossible to assess a situation without some level of inherent, personal bias. It’s especially difficult if you’re assessing your own decisions; your judgment will appear consistently poor if you’re self-critical, or consistently justified if you’re critical of everyone else. Whatever your nature, don’t leave self-judgment to your reflexes; regardless of whether you tend to blame yourself, others, or both, take time to measure the moral value of your actions, particularly when life forces you to make compromises. Then act accordingly by protecting yourself when you deserve it, and making improvements when that’s what you should do, so you push your bias towards doing what’s best.
–Dr. Lastname

My ex-husband isn’t a bad guy, but he was and is a drinker who much prefers hanging out at the bar with the boys. We get along OK though, so we still live in the same house because we can stand to and it’s best for the kids. Lately, however, I haven’t had my usual energy due to my Crohn’s disease, and it bothers me. I always do OK at my full-time job and I never mess up caring for the kids, but I’ve been letting some of the household cleaning chores slide, and my ex has been giving me a hard time about it. I know I’m fucking up, so his criticism really gets to me. My goal is to find a way to restore my energy or at least get him to be more understanding of my condition.

Even if you and your ex are technically apart, it’s nice to keep things peaceful and together for the kids’ sake. It’s not nice, however, if the arrangement is putting so much pressure on you that you’re coming apart at the seams.

If you focus too much on responding to criticism and forget about whether you do or don’t deserve it, you take responsibility for shit you don’t control. And just because your ex can’t control his drinking doesn’t mean you can’t control your reaction to his complaints.

Before trying for the Peace Prize, think about your own standards for being a good mother and doing your share around the house, with a job description you’d give to someone you’d hire to do your job. Then write out a job description for your ex’s job, even if the position is rarely fulltime.

Maybe, if you had a sober, stay-at-home husband, you’d have reason to feel you weren’t doing your share, but he’s neither sober, stay-at-home, or even your husband anymore. Meanwhile, you’re holding down a job and keeping the family together, and the odds are that you’re more than doing your share, even with the added burden of your illness. The only trouble is, you haven’t developed your own, independent standards for defining what a share is, so your only measurement is your ex’s unhappiness and your own perfectionistic self-expectations.

So, instead of yearning for your ex to understand your position, stand up for yourself, regardless of what he thinks. Use the same judgment you would use on a friend in a similar situation. If you’re doing a pretty good job with your family, give yourself respect. That doesn’t mean you should fight with your ex, just that you don’t have to take his criticism to heart since his unhappiness doesn’t have to matter.

There’s nothing wrong in letting him know that you’re doing the best you can. Instead of asking for his understanding and forgiveness, however, let your voice and facial expression let him know that that’s your opinion, and that you don’t want to talk about it.

Without starting an argument, make it clear that he can be as unhappy as he wants to be, but there’s still no discussion. Love doesn’t mean never having to say you’re sorry, divorce does, so if he can ignore your lack of energy and you can ignore his drinking, you can keep your family, and your mind, intact.

STATEMENT:
“I feel very self-critical when I can’t meet my own goals, and my ex’s criticism is an echo of what I feel, but I’ve worked hard for many years and believe I’ve developed good, solid priorities. I know I’m doing my best, so his criticism, and mine, are undeserved.”

I always assumed my husband was responsible for most of the unhappiness in our marriage—he’s often cold and critical—but lately he keeps pointing out that he’s been better whereas I often get very snappy and can’t stop myself from saying mean things. It’s been brought to my attention at work that I do it to people there, too, and my husband has let me know he’s had his fill. The more I look at my behavior, the more I don’t like the things I say, but I can’t seem to stop, and I can’t control the way other people sometimes provoke me. My goal is to find out whether I’m really so angry and mean, and if I am, get control over it.

It’s obviously easy to blame your unhappiness on others’ stupidity or bad behavior, so you deserve some credit for considering whether you actually do have a nastiness problem, regardless of whether you’ve been unfairly provoked.

Of course, if you’re merely overwhelmed by the number of people who are unhappy with you, or by the threat of divorce, you’re making yourself vulnerable to their opinion. That could backfire if you decide they’re just being mean or you happen to find a new, non-judgmental buddy who thinks you’re nice as can be. So, instead of making it your goal to change how people feel about you, try to figure out for yourself whether or not you’ve met your own definition for dickish behavior.

Get the courage to ask someone to record you on his cellphone when you lose your temper, and review your behavior with a coach. Don’t complain about what the other guy did wrong, even if he did lots wrong; just focus on whether you doubled down on the wrong by acting like a jerk.

Yes, you may have an anger-management problem, but serious anger-management problems don’t just involve the inappropriate venting of toxic anger, they also require you to forget your values. Rebuilding those values after they’ve been eroded by years of bullying behavior doesn’t just take deep breaths and a few therapy sessions, but lots and lots of work.

In addition, you can’t be sure your anger will ever go away. Sometimes, talking about your issues will help, but often not. Sometimes antidepressants or mood stabilizers are beneficial, but you never know until after you’ve done lots of trying. Meanwhile, you have to believe in the value of shutting up and walking away when your nerves are screaming that someone deserves to be punished.

Take advantage of your insight by examining your values and behavior. If your feelings drive you to act like a jerk, learning self-control is like addiction-recovery; it’s tough, and there will be lots of slips, but you can learn from them and come closer to being a person you can respect. And at that point, other people will probably be happier with you, too, and you’ll know that you’re now less nasty and more nice.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve never suffered fools gladly, but I’ve begun to think I’m a fool for not noticing what a jerk I’ve become. I know enough to define what I need to do better. That will become my most important goal.”