Get Vent

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 15, 2014

As with nuclear waste, old hard drives and used take-out containers, there’s no clear way to dispose of unpleasant thoughts; some people feel like nasty feelings should be buried and ignored, and others that they must be purged and shared in order to be expunged. In actuality, feelings often aren’t unworthy even when they make you feel vaguely guilty, and don’t need airing even when they whine at the door and ask to be released. Before you decide whether your thoughts are hazmat grade, weigh them against your values and the consequences of self-expression. Often, you’ll find they don’t need to purged, just safely ignored.
–Dr. Lastname

After 25 years of happy marriage and three great kids together, I lost my wife to cancer two years ago. I think I’m ready to find another partner at this point, but I felt weird the other day when a co-worker suggested he set me up with a friend and I said I wasn’t ready. The truth is, I know a bit about her and, though she’s a nice person, she’s been struggling to find fulltime work for a few years now and there’s no way I could afford my current lifestyle if I had to support a partner. My goal is to figure out whether there’s something wrong with putting money ahead of love.

Having raised three kids and nursed a wife through cancer, you know that money isn’t the enemy of love— life is.

Life throws trouble at you, like medical problems and tuition, and love is what helps you give things their proper priority and makes you hurt when you can’t do as much as you’d like.

If you had no one to love in your life, and no better opportunity to find someone to share it with, then you might have good reason to sacrifice wealth and stability for a loving partnership. You might have to be responsible for financial support, but the emotional support in return could be worth it.

Having already established your own family, however, and activities that connect you with kids and friends, you’re right to wonder whether a new partnership with someone with few resources might do you more harm than good. There’s a big difference between being shallow and being smart.

Don’t let vague anxiety about money control your decision, however. Instead, ask yourself how far your finances could stretch and whether a partner’s poverty would prevent you from doing the things, and sustaining the relationships, that matter most. Give thought to the effect of a partnership on your security and your ability to help your kids and grandkids.

In addition, if you don’t already know a prospective partner well, find out how she has managed her money problems, and whether they’re the result of weakness or meaningful sacrifice. It’s important to know whether she’s irresponsible, unlucky, or passionate about work that rewards her soul more than her savings.

In any case, don’t let loneliness or insecurity stop you from being objective as you evaluate a potential new relationship. Being honest with yourself about how money affects your resources and commitments is important for ensuring that your next partnership, if you find one, is as valuable as your first.

STATEMENT:
“I feel uncomfortable sizing up someone’s income before I let myself get too close, but I value the way I live my life and my continuing role as father and grandfather, and I won’t make unnecessary compromises.”

My sister has suffered through a series of medical disasters, but she never seems to lose her good cheer. She had to give up her successful corporate career when the first crisis struck, can’t exercise though she used to love to run, and recently learned she has incurable cancer. We’ve always been close, and I thought she’d want someone to share her angry feelings with—I know that watching her health deteriorate has torn me up inside—but she claims she’s got nothing to cry about and is just happy that she got in as many positive experiences and accomplishments as she did. That might be true, but suppressing any unhappiness to maintain that cheery outlook can’t be healthy. My goal is to figure out how to get her to face her negative feelings before they eat away at her and make her illness worse.

The purpose of airing negative feelings about suffering is to become aware of the way they distort your thoughts about personal responsibility—the could-haves and should-haves you blame yourself for missing—so you can fight back against that negative thinking and respect what you’ve done with what you’ve endured. So if your sister already has a positive attitude about her role in life that persists in spite of repeated medical setbacks, she hardly needs your help. If anything, you can learn from her.

Yes, there are people who believe that negative feelings need to be exorcised, and that keeping them to yourself is harmful and can make you ill. It’s such a relief to let your anger out, it seems therapeutic. Of course, in most cases, verbalizing pain gives more weight to negative thoughts that should be challenged, but aren’t.

Listening and being sympathetic may be an expression of support, but can do more harm than good when people obsess about the health and happiness they should have been able to maintain or reclaim. Sometimes, sunlight is the best disinfectant, but other times, especially when what you’re bringing to light is destructive, light can just give the negativity the power to grow.

There’s no harm in asking her whether she’s having a hard time. Don’t tell her, however, that you know she’s feeling much worse than she lets on, because what’s happened to her is so terrible. Whether your sister is angrier or sadder than she shows is not an issue; if she can bear painful feelings while staying focused on what matters in her life, then she’s an amazing woman.

When she tells you that she’s living every day, listen and learn. She’s not telling you that pain doesn’t hurt; she’s telling you it hasn’t changed her purpose and that, as long as she’s able to do something meaningful with the energy and time she has left, illness isn’t what matters. That’s a truth you need to face and accept, no matter how angry you feel.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t believe my sister isn’t more upset about her medical decline than she appears to be, but I respect the way she continues on with her life with whatever strength and energy she can find.”