Crime of Need

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 8, 2014

Making an emotional argument might convince other people that you care a lot about your cause, but it often won’t do very much to actually help you get what you’re arguing for. This is especially true in bad relationships, where emotion often exacerbates conflict or drives you to decisions that will make everyone miserable in the long run. If you back up your choices with evidence, not emotion, you’ll get further, get what you need, and likely get out of the bad relationship all together.
–Dr. Lastname

My estranged husband and I are about to begin mediation sessions to see if we can agree on how to divide our assets without spending a fortune on lawyers and court fees. We are on civil terms and have let things drift regarding our divorce, but it needs to be finalized so we can both move on with our lives. I am in a vulnerable position and need to get as good a settlement as I can; I want to get the most out of this expensive process without reacting in my old way if he presses my buttons, which he will. I felt angry recently when he told me that he resented any inference that he is less than honest, when he knows very well that he lied a great deal in the marriage. I do not wish to rehash old rows, score points or get sidetracked, and worry that I will get emotional and upset which will not help my position. How do I find a coping strategy in what has the potential to be a minefield and make the most of our time with the mediator? My goal is to stay focused and calm while doing my best to protect my security and to be assertive when necessary.

If your ex wants to be a dishonest, prickly asshole, you know there’s nothing you can do to stop him; if you could, you wouldn’t be getting divorced in the first place.

Fortunately, there is a sort of emotional kryptonite you can use to protect yourself (and your buttons) that will keep you from reacting in kind. If you want to neutralize emotional, provocative behavior, expose it to facts and cool confidence.

Sure, once he comes at you with his full arsenal of bullshit, it will be hard to stay calm, nevermind your own feelings of fear and desperation. But you yourself acknowledge that scoring points is useless, so trying to get what you want based on what you deserve (or, more aptly, what he doesn’t) is going to be far less effective than making a case based on research and reason.

Do enough internet research to identify the factors that most determine divorce asset distribution where you live, such as individual contributions to your joint assets, including supporting the other’s education. Then review your tax records and bank statements to make sure you haven’t missed anything and come out with a fair proposal, given the rules as you know them.

Consider running your proposal by a lawyer first (if you can’t afford one, add cheap/free legal aid clinics to your research). If you condense the facts of your marriage to a paragraph, describe your assumptions, present the numbers, and avoid venting feelings about marital dynamics, you should need very little legal time to get an opinion about whether your proposal seems fair and is likely to be supported by an arbitrator.

Then write a letter to your soon-to-be ex, beginning with a positive statement of respect and regret, a brief description of your intentions and commitment to fairness, a listing of your understanding of individual assets and contributions, and your proposal for the split. Whether or not you send it, this is the message you resolve to stick with.

Finally, since you know what your husband will probably say, prepare yourself for negotiations by imagining his worst provocations and composing positive replies. For instance, if he tells you how honest he tried to be and how sorry he is that you wouldn’t believe him, don’t tell him he’s so full of shit he needs a bib. Remember your goal and tell him how you believe you both tried your best, but you’ve come to believe there’s a communication problem that’s impossible to overcome. It’s sad, but there were good times and you both learned a lot. You’ll always be grateful.

Don’t lie, just don’t let your emotions get away from you. Stay focused on the deal, and use every honest, positive observation that you can. The goal is no longer communication, or controlling his nastiness; it’s staying calm, sticking to a plan, and, at long last, saying goodbye.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand my husband’s inability to see how he fucked up our marriage, but I know now that he really can’t help it and that my job is to make him feel positive about a fair settlement.”

My ex and I get along OK, but only if we limit contact to text or email. If we end up in the same room together for more than ten minutes—and we work in the same field in a small city, so it’s a too-frequent, unavoidable reality—something bad happens. Even without booze, we get along so well that we miss what was great about being together and forget about how our attempts at being together always end really, really badly, and then we end up sleeping together. What follows is great for 24-72 hours before that old black magic takes hold, we have a screaming fight, usually in public/with friends, and then we run back to our own places just to make peace via texts a few weeks later and swear to never let it happen again. My goal is to be able to be around her without giving into my primal urges and getting into serious trouble.

The main reason many people have a poor chance of finding a good partner is that they’re tied to a bad partnership and can’t get free. That’s fine if you don’t really want to find someone you can commit to and don’t mind repeatedly doing the toxic tango with your ex, but if you do want to move on to something better, you’d better figure out what kind of person you actually need.

As long as fun and companionship are your main reasons for having a relationship, the chemistry with your ex is hard to resist. That’s why the only way to escape the intoxicating clutches of a bad ex is to force yourself to focus on the far-less-exciting search for someone new.

Pretend you’re going to die and do a bucket list. Then realize you’re not pretending and check to see whether what you want requires, or would be much better, with a partner. Don’t force yourself to look for a partner just to be like everyone else, but do consider partnership if you believe it will help you lead a more meaningful life.

Then use your experience with this ex and any others to profile the qualities you must avoid at all costs, regardless of how attractively they’re packaged. Turn your frustrations and losses into useful self-guidance.

Then, when the temptation to rekindle your old flame next occurs, you’ll have something good to think about and a positive reason for keeping your ex at bay. After doing your homework reviewing your past and deciding what you need, you’ll be ready to be around your ex in the flesh without actually seeing any.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stop missing the sizzle between me and my ex, but I want something different at this time in my life and my job is to stay focused on getting it.”