Faux Self-Opinion
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 4, 2014
Loserdom, like Asshole™-itis, bigotry, or lupus, is rarely a problem for those who’ve convinced themselves they have it, and often a problem for those who’d never consider themselves susceptible. When you’re lonely, it’s easy to see yourself as a loser, and if you’re living with an Asshole™, it’s easy to get won over by his belief that everybody’s a loser but him. So, if you feel like a loser, check to see if you’re being unfair to yourself or too fair to somebody else. Then rate yourself carefully, give yourself the respect you deserve, and lose your bullshit diagnosis for good.
–Dr. Lastname
I escape into work, but really don’t have much of a life. I’ve worked in city government for 10 years and, since I’m really shy and not very attractive to girls, I haven’t had much success cultivating a social life, but I’m enthusiastic about my job. I enjoy mentoring younger co-workers, volunteering at city shelters, and coaching youth sports. My boss says she doesn’t know what she’d do without me, but it worries me that everyone else seems to have a personal life and I don’t. My goal is to live a more normal, balanced life and have a family.
Many of the expectations of a “normal” life are, generally speaking, sensible—going to college, getting married, and having a career are all smart things to pursue—but they’re also not possible or just desirable for everyone. Given that “normal” people also spend tens of thousands of dollars on weddings and line up overnight to buy new telephones, however, being “normal” is often overrated.
Very good people can have very real impediments to normalcy, like lacking some skill, or living in the wrong place with people who are on a different wavelength, so they don’t get the same social opportunities as others who may be much less talented or hardworking. They aren’t weird or inferior, just unlucky or unique.
From what you say, it appears that you try to socialize and would like to find a partner, but it doesn’t happen. It seems like you don’t forgo social events in order to coach or mentor, but rather to meet people through those activities. It just doesn’t seem to click on a personal level.
It’s doubtful then that you escape into your work; it’s more likely that you’ve developed your work as a way of connecting yourself to your community and doing good, in spite of shyness and unattractiveness. What you can escape, however, is the feeling that your life is lacking because you don’t have the kind of social life that you think you should.
After all, you haven’t let a lack of social success isolate you or limit your impact on the world. Instead, you’ve found ways to have a huge impact, probably more than anyone else in town, in spite of handicaps.
You shouldn’t stop looking for closer friends, but you should learn to respect what you’ve accomplished, stop criticizing yourself for aspects of your personality that can’t be helped, and bring respect and a sense of accomplishment to your search.
You may or may not achieve the accepted level of normalcy, but you’ll know you’ve done your best. Not “having a life” doesn’t mean the life you do have isn’t remarkable in its own way.
STATEMENT:
“I feel lonely, but I’ve found positive ways to connect with people and do good, in spite of social awkwardness. I will respect what I’ve done while I continue my efforts to find closer friendships.”
I wish my sister could see how much her deadbeat boyfriend drags her down. He is seldom employed and, not coincidentally, often seems high or stoned. He had a DUI last year but doesn’t think that indicates an alcohol problem, just a dumb choice not to take a cab. He never pays his share of the rent, but from her point of view, he’s a beautiful, artistic soul who just needs confidence, which she thinks I undermine by not befriending him and showing him respect. My goal is to get her to see what a bad influence he has on her life.
As you know, some needy people with very protective instincts always seem to fall for Assholes™, because there’s no one who likes to be taken care of, or creates more opportunities for you to take care of him, than an Asshole™ does. In her mind, the more he fucks up, the more he needs her, so saving him is her mission from God and nothing you say is going to change that.
In the long run, you may plant the seeds of reason if you avoid criticizing him and instead focus on her goals for herself. If she wants to be self-sufficient or wants stability for her kids, then you can ask her what impact her boyfriend is likely to have, without calling him names that rhyme with Passmole.
Respect her good intentions, but, without casting doubt on his integrity, question the realism of her hopes and the negative impact her rescue efforts are likely to have on her life. Tell her, frankly, that you don’t think she’s being kind or respectful to herself if, by trying to save her boyfriend, she endangers her own safety.
Instead of showing dislike when you meet her boyfriend, question him about his own activities and life goals. You’ll probably find that he’s good at rationalizing away his problems and putting responsibility elsewhere—after all, that’s what Assholes™ do. Then, when your sister tells you about the treatment she will persuade him to engage in, you can point out that you share her hopes but that, from what he said to you, he doesn’t seem to see his problems the way she does, so he’s not likely to take her advice.
As long as you keep your anger and criticism under control, there’s much you can do to push your sister to think rationally about her relationship. You can disagree, respectfully, while expressing support for her good intentions. If you do that instead of calling the boyfriend a loser all the time, she may decide on her own that he needs to get lost.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand watching my sister waste what little time and money she has on yet another drug-addicted, deadbeat asshole, but I won’t stop encouraging her to think about her partnership choices more realistically so she can eventually make a better life for herself.”
