Severe Discussion

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 24, 2014

Communication is often seen as the best diplomatic tool in domestic conflict, but if your emotional battlefield is riddled with verbal landmines, then trying to talk things out may just push the battle onto new fronts. Instead of saying what you want to say (but shouldn’t) or avoiding what you need to say (but should), find an unemotional way to talk about responsibilities and say something helpful without provoking controversy. Give yourself time, be realistic about what people don’t control, and you’ll find good things to say, even when your natural instincts would lead you further from diplomacy and into self-destruction.
–Dr. Lastname

Please Note: No new post on Thursday as we’ll be celebrating American Thanksgiving and enjoying the beginning of the busy misery season (Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day). Have a good holiday, and we’ll be back on December 1st.

I’m not crazy about my son’s wife, and it really irritated me to find out that she’s very jealous and frequently checks my son’s cellphone to see if he’s had any unexplained calls. When my son comes to me for advice, I’m not sure what to do. I want to tell him the truth, which is that he married a suspicious nut who will never trust him or anyone else, but whenever I do that, it just makes their fighting worse and everybody ends up angry at me. I know I should probably just reassure him that there’s always a way to calm her down, but I don’t like to bullshit my son. My goal is to do what’s best for him without being dishonest.

Many negative human emotions, like anger, misery, and being obsessed with inane Youtube videos of pets, are understood to have a viral quality. The negative influence spreads, from one person to another, until a cat with a permanent scowl gets a Christmas special.

Unfortunately, when you become third party advisor to marital trouble, you’re dealing with that kind of negativity; it doesn’t spread so much as jump from the person complaining to whoever’s listening. It’s less of a virus and more of a parasite of the relationship-killing variety.

So, when your son complains to you, you absorb his anger, which both draws you into a fight that isn’t yours and targets you for his wife’s blame. Sooner or later, he realizes that criticism of her demeans the quality of his marital choice, and you become his target, as well.

If opinions are truly like assholes, then it’s important to remember that you’re entitled to have one (about his wife, even if it’s negative), but nobody wants it in their face. It would be better for everyone if you keep it in your pants, especially if you want to help your son. Instead, coach him on ways to evaluate the meaning of her jealousy and the amount of responsibility he should take for it.

While you obviously believe he doesn’t deserve her suspicion or mistrust, no amount of reassurance is likely to make her stop feeling it. So tell your son not to assume responsibility for proving he’s trustworthy; it won’t work, it will tire him out, and, eventually, it will make him angry enough to try venting to you again.

Urge him to tell his wife that he doesn’t deserve her suspicion and that her actions, like starting fights about it and checking his phone, won’t make her feel better and will destroy their relationship. She probably can’t help the way suspicion fills her mind—it may be a kind of OCD, and it won’t necessarily go away—but she can stop it from controlling her actions, beginning with her speech.

Don’t imply she’s at fault, simply that she has a problem that has nothing to do with your son. If he rejects responsibility for causing her feelings and asserts that it’s her job to manage them, he will do her more good than by trying to find the right words to quell her suspicions.

If you can choose your words carefully and keep your ideas constructive, you can inoculate yourself against his problems without being dishonest or getting too grumpy yourself.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to be reminded that my son married a nasty, paranoid woman, but I can’t criticize her without entangling him further. I can, however, give my opinion about her responsibility for managing her own fears without expressing anger or blame.”

I don’t know what to tell my partner, who has been amazingly unavailable and unresponsive to me lately. I don’t want to give her a hard time because I don’t want to endanger her sobriety, and I really do admire the way she’s been working hard and trying to be patient with my kid (I used to be married to a man). On the other hand, she’s blown off every attempt I’ve made to give us some time together. I don’t know if she’s angry or if I just come last in her list of priorities, but it pisses me off and I’m afraid to say anything for fear of sounding too needy. My goal is to save our relationship.

It’s always hard to talk about feeling neglected without sounding wimpy, but the alternative—nursing your grievance in silence, cultivating your sense of victimhood, and, when you finally explode in anger, pushing your partner away—is much, much worse.

Fortunately, however, you have a better option as long as you begin with the fact that you’re partners and that partners need time together; it’s not neediness if what you long for is something that’s important for both of you. Without time together, one or both of you may well feel estranged.

Don’t bring up a negative concern late at night; it’s better to go bed angry than have a fight when you’re tired and lack the strength to stop until you both pass out from exhaustion and rage. At a time when you’re both well rested, tell her about the positives, like your admiration for her sobriety and pleasure in the way she relates to your child. Then express concern about her unavailability without suggesting that she’s neglecting you, not keeping her promises, or making you angry.

Describe the risks of not spending time together in administrative terms, i.e., if you don’t get to nurture one another, you both run out of gas. Spell out a plan for sharing time, so that you provide a clear structure. Then see what happens.

Your positive tone is more likely to get the problem addressed than if you shared your disappointment and hurt at never getting to see her. And if it doesn’t, at least you know you didn’t make the problem worse, tried hard to make it better, and that what you need now may be some time apart.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t look at my partner without wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with me, but I won’t let my hurt feelings control what I say. I’ve got lots of legitimate reasons for urging more together-time. That’s all I can do.”