Forced Perceptive

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 13, 2014

“Sensitive,” like “funny,” “nice,” and “enjoys long walks on the beach,” is one of the many superficially-bland-yet-possibly-dangerous qualities women say they look for in a mate (even the beach thing, since that long walk may be to his kill-room). Since sensitivity basically means “is comfortable talking about feelings,” it’s not surprising that we don’t value it, but even objectively, it can be problematic; being in a healthy long-term relationship depends on supportive actions as well as the freedom for two people to go about their business without always feeling close or grateful. So don’t overrate words or even helpfulness. Look for a guy who enjoys spending time with you, on the beach or elsewhere, but isn’t hurt when you want time to yourself.
–Dr. Lastname

My boyfriend is absolutely reliable and adores me in his quiet way, but he never seems that interested in what I’m doing and has little to say about himself. I know he always likes to see me and that he cares about me a lot, but he never wants to talk or suggest fun things to do, so I wind up sharing and doing more information with people I hardly know, or do know, but who aren’t as important to me as he is. He’s a great, reliable guy, but he’s also kind of boring and closed off. My goal is to figure out what kind of future I have with someone who seems so uninterested in finding out more about me, and yet also seems to love me.

Most of us warm to attention and feel better when someone shows an interest in how we think and what we ate for lunch; if we’re needy or in pain, the absence of such attention may feel like neglect. The need to share thoughts and lunch are why Facebook is so successful, but it’s not what should drive a relationship.

It’s easy to forget that attention is cheap and that supportive actions are more important than encouraging words. It’s like the difference between a friend and a “Friend;” the former shows you he cares by what he does, the latter “cares,” and often doesn’t remember who you are.

If you really can’t stand teaming up with a non-verbal guy, of course you should disqualify your boyfriend. It’s doubtful that he’s going to learn the art of private speaking, no matter how much he wishes to please you, and the last thing you want is to be critical of someone who loves you because he isn’t the person you want him to be.

On the other hand, his actions have impressed you as steady and reliable. You know you can count on him to show up, help, do his share, and stay loyal. He’s not insensitive, just quiet, and if you can get your verbal needs met elsewhere, this guy may have almost everything else you need in a partner.

Ask yourself whether he communicates in ways other than words. Some guys are sophisticated at expressing themselves through sports, jokes, and talk about tools and septic systems. It’s not a language of direct feeling, but it can express warmth, humor, and commitment to those who know its syntax.

So don’t confuse verbal intimacy with reliability and commitment, even if it makes you feel loved and valued, and don’t underrate the importance of silent acts of support. Chat with your hairdresser, learn to love Twitter, and see if your needs can be met by a boyfriend whom you can count on to take care of you, even if he doesn’t care about your lunch.

STATEMENT:
“I sometimes feel lonely and misunderstood after spending time with my silent boyfriend, but I have good friends, I know he cares, and he leaves me free to be myself. I will try to accept his silence and find other ways to meet my needs for meaningful conversation.”

I feel used, and I don’t know how I let it happen. When I met my girlfriend, her life was a mess—she’d just lost her mother, she was going through a terrible, prolonged lawsuit—but I felt for her and saw something in her, so I was determined to man up and stick it out. It wasn’t easy at first, but I told myself it would all work out and our relationship would be wonderful when she recovered and we had a chance to build a life together. She even told me repeatedly that if it weren’t for my support she never would have survived. Now that we’ve gotten through it and our life is finally starting to begin, she says she feels suffocated and can’t be with me anymore, and I’m totally heartbroken. My goal is to figure out what I did wrong when essentially I did so much for her and expected so little in return.

When someone who is very vulnerable needs you, it’s gratifying to be able to give her support; it creates a feeling of intimacy while also making you feel respected, strong, and giving. The only problem with such intimacy is that, once that friend recovers and grows stronger, she may not be comfortable with her erstwhile dependence and vulnerability. She may feel she owes you, and most likely, it’s that feeling of debt, not you, that’s making her feel like it’s hard to breathe.

People who do lots of helping, like teachers, shrinks and parents, often have to be careful to keep their own needs under control. They know that people who rely on their support during a vulnerable time must often get away afterwards, whether or not they want to, because as long as they’re dependent on someone else, they’re not fully comfortable being themselves.

That’s why, when you wonder whether a relationship will last, it’s sometimes reassuring to know that your influence on someone you love is limited, and that it’s good for her to feel free to ignore you when she’s got work to do or is just in a bad mood. As long as you see other evidence of her respect and caring, occasional neglect is a good sign; it means she’s free to be herself, not just in the service of her savior.

Take credit for the support you gave your girlfriend, but next time, don’t let yourself get too close to a damsel in distress until you’re sure she has recovered and no longer regards you as a strong benefactor. Then check out whether she likes hanging out with you simply because it’s fun, rather than because she’s hurting and you’re the only one she can talk to.

Don’t blame her for dumping you, don’t think it discredits the good you’ve done, and don’t assume you’ve been used or that good guys get no love. Simply learn that human nature requires stable partners to be comfortable with one another, and that this often requires people to tolerate insensitivity, silence, and neglect.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t believe that someone who told me I was her rock now tells me I’m her millstone. I will value what I did for her but I now understand that too much giving can interfere with intimacy and that breathing room requires a little mutual indifference.”