Doubt on the Town

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 6, 2014

The sad irony behind most stupid decisions is how much careful, intelligent thinking goes into convincing ourselves that the moronic, often-fearful choice we’re about to make is somehow the right thing to do. This is never truer than when it comes to relationships, when we can talk ourselves out of the game entirely or into a commitment that we’re bound to lose. So don’t waste needed brainpower to substantiate the feelings that tell you whether you should start going out or finish by tying the knot. Look at your basic abilities, decide to do what’s meaningful, and you’ll wind up making the smart choice.
–Dr. Lastname

I’m pretty good at being an independent lady but I do get lonely sometimes. I’ve thought of making more of an effort to date, but I’m not in great shape right now—I messed up my foot last year, so I went from not-thin to just fat—and it really bothers me that I haven’t take good care of myself and lost the weight when it’s really my responsibility. I feel I can’t expect to get together with a healthy guy if I’m not healthy myself, because I can’t get someone to love me if I don’t love myself, and it’s visibly obvious that I don’t. My goal is to figure out a way to get healthy so I can start dating without shame.

If your main concern is showing the world you take care of yourself, then being an Asshole to yourself is not a great way to start.

Taking care of yourself means being a good friend to yourself, and right now, you’re being the kind of friend who’s in high school, evil, and telling you, for your own good, that you’re like The Even Biggest Loser. You could do better in high school, and you can do better by yourself now.

After all, your basic values about mutual respect don’t depend on health, but on character. So, unless you’re about to bungee jump or enter a crowded elevator, don’t pay attention to any so-called weight requirement.

I assume you know and respect people who are out of shape or have unhealthy habits, but you value them for qualities that are more important, such as the ability to work hard and be a good person and friend. In addition, you probably know and don’t respect some very buff shitheads.

Perhaps you believe that you’re making yourself sick and unhealthy by not taking proper care of yourself; while a lack of exercise may reduce your life expectancy a bit, genetics really reigns supreme. If you want to really pile responsibility on yourself for your health and take your mortality in your own hands, then start smoking. Otherwise, give yourself some slack and get out there in the dating-verse.

You may find yourself anxious to begin with, and your anxiety is there for a reason, because dating carries more risks than just rejection. You can get over-involved with someone bad or overly dependent, or get worn out by trying to relate to people who just aren’t your type. Dating doesn’t require a certain dress size, but it does require discipline and careful methodology.

Nevertheless, finding a friend or partner is worthwhile if you’re lonely, and waiting until you feel attractive and healthy may take a long time without improving your dating skills. Instead, decide whether it’s worth doing and give it a try. Don’t hesitate to use a friend or therapist as a coach to help you along the way.

Whether or not you ever exercise or prolong your life, live fully in whatever time you have left. After all, having a good relationship, with a partner and with yourself, is good for your health.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m not a fit example in either sense of the word, but I know my strengths and I have much to offer in a relationship (aside from gym membership), so I’ll learn how to go looking for a good match who will also help me exercise.

I know my girlfriend and I have a good relationship, but I can’t shake the feeling that, sometimes, I really don’t want to be with her. Sexually, I lose interest. It passes, but the idea of spending our lives together leaves me cold. But I don’t want to spend my life alone, and I think she’s right when she says I’ll feel better once we’re married. She’s a good woman and I like her family. And besides, I tend to get mixed feelings about everything, including my job; I’ve shifted careers (and schools, and graduate programs) a bunch of times. My goal is to get past my cold feet, be an adult, and accept a good partnership.

I don’t doubt the strength of your relationship with your girlfriend, but when you find yourself with mixed feelings about someone you’ve dated for years, there’s cause for worry. And, while it seems easier to convince yourself there’s nothing to worry about than take your worries seriously, that’s never true in the long run.

As you’ve noted, the feelings aren’t personal; you’ve got mixed feelings about everything. What’s important, however, is not how much you love your girlfriend, but whether your mixed feelings will cause you to back out at some point, particularly at a critical time when you’re most needed.

Ask yourself whether your perpetually mixed feelings have caused you to back out of other things in life, like your job or other relationships, or to keep a distance from other commitments. Note whether periods of closeness are usually followed by withdrawal and whether someone can get needy with you without triggering your feet to walk out the door.

Your occupational shifts suggest that you’re not comfortable staying with one thing and that you need to get moving. If that’s true, getting married will not solve your restless life syndrome.

If in doubt, test yourself by making yourself uncomfortable, and not by wearing too-tight pants. Do projects with your girlfriend, tie yourself down, make yourself available, and see if you can stand it. Crowd yourself now, because married life will surely crowd you later.

It may be hard to test your relationship when you so much want it to succeed, but it’s more important for you to evaluate its tensile strength now than to tell yourself what you and your girlfriend want to hear, push ahead, and then watch it eventually break.

STATEMENT:
“I’d like to settle down, but I can’t get over feeling very unsettled about my feelings for my long-term girlfriend. I will push myself to spend more time together and see how I feel. If I continue to feel restless, I should face the fact that forcing commitment is unlikely to work.”