Moral Exam

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 23, 2014

We’ve said many times that the worst relationships teach the best lessons, from what to look for in your next partner to what you need in a good lawyer. Knowing how much you’ve actually learned from the lessons, however, can sometimes be tricky; sometimes you get so connected with someone that breaking up makes you underestimate how much you’ve learned, and sometimes your connection is so superficial and one-sided that you wind up feeling you’ve learned more than you really have. In any case, don’t judge what you’ve learned from a relationship by your emotional reaction. If you’re honest with yourself and give or take credit where it’s due, you should’ve learned enough to ace the next test.
–Dr. Lastname

I always knew deep down that my relationship with my college boyfriend was never going to work out—he was restless, attractive, and hated the idea of settling down, and I wanted to get married—but I loved him and couldn’t let go. We stuck together for eight years until he finally had an affair, I broke up with him, and now, five years later, I’m happily married. I would have told you I had no complaints until I was recently invited to a big party by an old friend, who told me my old flame would be there, which bothers me more than I thought. I don’t know who he’ll be with or what has happened to him, and I’m afraid to find out, mostly because I’m so eager to find out. I hate the idea of still having feelings for him, particularly since I’m married. My goal is to figure out what’s wrong with me and why I can’t move on and forget about him.

If you’re looking for someone to tell you whether/how/why your feelings for your ex are important or dangerous, you’re obviously looking in the wrong place. You shouldn’t expect to control having feelings, just to control what you do with them, like not obsessing over them in the first place.

You finally did what was necessary after recognizing that your old college boyfriend would never make a good life partner, but only after he had an affair. Still, that affair was a teachable moment, not just about your future together (or lack thereof), but about your tendency to let uncertainty bind you to things for longer than necessary.

You might have stayed with your ex for almost ten years too long, but that lingering doubt has yet to go away. Given all the smart decisions you’ve made about and since your ex, you have every reason to show those feelings to the door, as well.

You did a good job of learning from this relationship and evidently found a partner who does want to settle down. You also discovered it’s much easier to get along with a partner who wants the same kind of life you do. You’ve made a good beginning, and nothing about your feelings for your ex-flame can ever invalidate these accomplishments.

Don’t feel obliged to share your feelings with your old flame or re-connect more than superficially. That doesn’t mean you wish to disown your relationship with him or reject him—obviously, there was much that was positive about your relationship and it taught you a great deal—just to keep your life on track, which could easily be derailed by some unnecessary sharing.

So go to the party, if it’s worth going to, and experience the sweet pain of seeing your old love. Then go ahead and direct your activities the way you have since you broke up, knowing that you did the right thing, no matter how much your mind and heart might sometimes feel differently.

If you find yourself feeling strange about seeing your ex, remind yourself that such feelings are actually totally normal. You broke up with your ex because you wanted a better life; instead, feel proud of the fact that you found it.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t see my old love without feeling some of those old feelings, but that doesn’t mean I have to share them or act on them. I know I’ve chosen a better direction and have a good partner, and that’s the relationship I choose to protect and nourish.”

I’ve always been attracted to excitement and seduction, but I gave it up a year ago because it was just wearing me out. I was, like it or not, a party girl. I loved partying, doing wild and crazy things, and making handsome, powerful men feel that they’d found their soul-mate. They’d fall for me instantly—I’d see it in their eyes—and the feeling of power was wonderful, even if it didn’t last long, at least for me. Now I’ve given it up, but I miss it, and often wish I had the energy (or just the liver) to keep going. My goal is to get over the feeling that life is dull without the partying and romance.

Like anyone recovering from an intensely pleasurable addiction, you tend to focus on the sad side of recovery, namely, the excitement you miss from your days as a femme fatale and party girl. The trouble with recollecting the good times, however, is that they draw you back to your reasons for doing bad things, not your reasons for stopping. And if you think your good times are now a haze, your bad times are even fuzzier.

That’s why recovering addicts are wise, at some point, to do a moral inventory in order to build a positive foundation for quitting. For instance, the addiction that gave you such pleasure made you a liar and a heartbreaker, or, to use our clinical term, an Asshole™.

Because of your addiction, you got used to being an Asshole™, and your conscience no longer twinged when you manipulated someone into loving you and then dumped him without a care. Now that you’re recovering, however, you may be aware that, while the pleasure of your old life was likeable, the person doing the partying was not.

The person you’re trying to become now is honest and someone you can like and respect. Yes, she may be bored and restless and feel her life has become much less interesting and significant. She’s also becoming trustworthy and, in the long run, capable of lasting friendships and relationships. So keep thinking about your values and the standards you’re trying to reach. Don’t feel you’re doing guys a favor by being honest; when you’re honest, you’re coming closer to your own goals.

Keep up the good work and take it to the next level. It’s too bad there’s no AA for recovering Asshole™—no need to change the name—but most addicts come to realize that addiction turns them into jerks and that recovery is a process of reclaiming their conscience. The good times might be over, but becoming a good person awaits.

STATEMENT:
“I feel I’m doing good by staying away from the fun I enjoyed so much, and I am, but I need to think more about my own moral standards and give myself credit when I live up to them.”