No Pro

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 13, 2014

In a culture that proudly sells medications created by grade school teachers, financial advice by religious figures, and recipes by celebrity wives, being an expert, or just seeking advice from one, is, in many people’s “expert” opinion, stupid. While we are sometimes more knowledgeable than supposed experts, we sometimes really, really aren’t, but you can’t know whom to trust if you get too influenced by feelings of self-doubt or omniscience. Instead, ask yourself whether you have the information you need in order to make good decisions, and whether, when it comes to that information, someone else knows more than you. If you can be objective about your decision-making ability, you’re much more likely to accept your strengths and weaknesses and take them into account; become an expert on your own problem and you can confidently find the help you need, no matter what the source.
–Dr. Lastname

My wife has been disabled since her second nervous breakdown; I thought she was a free spirit when I met her, but early in our marriage, we both realized that something was wrong, and she was diagnosed bipolar. Now that I’m writing my will, I realize I should probably take account of her condition; she’s been doing well for the past year, but another breakdown is always a possibility. If I knew better what to expect for her, I’d know whether I need to protect her from misusing the money, or just make sure the money is put towards making sure she has what she needs when I’m not around, like a roof and even a nurse. My goal is to find an expert who can tell me what to expect from her illness and how I cam make sure that she’s taken care of.

There are plenty of instances where people choose to follow their instincts over professional advice, and, whether it involves not vaccinating kids, not hiring a licensed electrician, or not getting that oral surgery, the results are not often pretty (but plenty painful and dangerous).

When it comes to knowing what to expect from your wife’s relapsing mental illness, however, you and your wife are the top experts in this unique field.

The two of you know better than anyone what her illness has been like in the past; how frequently it recurs, how much disability it causes, and how much it affects her judgment and her ability to manage money. Unless your doctor is also a psychic, her powers to predict your wife’s future are nowhere as strong as yours.

That’s because—and I wish this weren’t true—psychiatrists have very little ability to gather data that can help them predict your wife’s prognosis, other than the history of her past illness, and you and she know that better than anyone. In other words, if she’s had a mental illness that was severe, hard to recover from, and quick to return, then that’s the way it will probably be in the future unless a better treatment comes along and changes the odds.

Diagnosis is of little help, because, for example, every person who has bipolar illness experiences their own unique mix of symptoms, all at different levels of severity, and will have their own, unpredictable response to the various medications. That’s why your knowledge of your wife’s specific history with bipolar illness is so important; remember her worst symptoms, assume they can happen again, and arrange her finances and financial supervision accordingly.

To the greatest degree possible, ask her to take the lead in thinking this through. You don’t want to withhold financial control in order to impose your wishes from beyond the grave; on the contrary, you want her to manage the money her own way, without interference from symptoms that could drain her resources and interfere with her judgment.

One you’ve decided how much protection she needs, you’re ready to consult with lawyers who specialize in this problem while continuing to rely mainly on your own expertise. Make the predictions based on what you know and ask their help in conserving her resources.

It’s always important to keep fear from letting you trust expert advice; don’t let it keep you from trusting your role as an expert, either.

STATEMENT:
“I’d like to think someone knows what to expect from my wife’s mental illness, but I’ve gradually discovered that my wife and I are the world experts. I will ask her to imagine the worst, and together we’ll figure out what kind of protection she needs, if any.”

My son is always asking for money and tells my wife and me that we should just consider it “an advance payment on his “inheritance” (very funny). As you might guess, he’s a drug addict with a bad attitude. So far, he’s gone through detoxification a few times but no one has persuaded him that he needs treatment—not me, not my wife, not all his angry exes, not all his bosses who have fired him, not the cops…his denial is bulletproof. We’re sick of giving him money, but we’re also sick of putting him through rehab, so we feel completely stuck. My goal is to figure out whether there’s a way to get through to him, or whether he’ll listen to anyone but himself.

It’s hard to figure out how much to give to a son who desperately needs help but always misuses it. If he were temporarily sick, you could just wait until his judgment returned, but when the problem is part of who he is, you have to come up with your own timetable.

You’ve done everything possible to get through to him and change his approach, but now you know that you will probably never be able to trust his judgment. There’s no reason to blame him, given the fact that he really doesn’t seem to see his choices, and there’s every reason to respect your own efforts to help him. Still, all you can do now is consider whether there’s any way your resources could help him without really hurting him, and yourself, more.

Draw up a set of rules for managing his demands as they occur, so you won’t be vulnerable to emotional blackmail. Never give cash, only cover lodging if it’s in a sober half-way house, and never pay for treatment unless there’s something new about his commitment that makes you think it’s worthwhile.

With age, he may acquire experiences that will motivate him to change; this gives you another reason to conserve your resources, both for yourself and for giving him help at a time when he’s more likely to make use of it.

Meanwhile, don’t waste time arguing. Follow your own rules when it comes to helping him, knowing how his addiction and character problems are likely to ruin any intended benefit. At this point, if you can’t protect his future, don’t forget to protect yourself.

STATEMENT:
“There’s nothing that matters more to me than helping my son recover from addiction and become a good person, but I know it’s impossible. I will never stop being willing to provide help if he’s desperate and there’s some way to prevent him from misusing it. I’ll always incentivize sobriety. Otherwise, I’ll implement whatever rules work and keep my distance.”