Push and Null

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 29, 2014

Pressuring somebody to care about their self-interest when they’re obsessed with something else is an often foolhardy endeavor, and not just when it comes to trying to rescue people from drugs, bad boyfriends, and Apple products (at least if you’re broke). Whether they’re too absorbed in a dysfunctional marriage or in very functional childrearing, don’t use anger or guilt to break them free. Instead, spell out why it’s necessary, regardless of the discomfort and guilt their self-restraint may cause. They will either find a personal reason for adopting your view or go back to their obsession, no matter how damaging/buggy it is.
–Dr. Lastname

My partner and I have been together more than ten years and were both in unhappy marriages when it began. My husband knew and agreed to divorce, but he only left when I gave an ultimatum. I have now moved in with my partner and his adult children are cool, but civil. It is unfair to blame me for breaking up their family as he had a previous affair and only stayed until the children grew up. I have told him that I will not tolerate being lied to and playing second fiddle to his family any longer and he now puts me first. They are not yet fully divorced but his wife has another partner. My goal is to protect our hard won happiness from the demands of others and trust that he will stay strong.

You know what you need from your fiancé, including fidelity, honesty, and being one another’s top priority, and telling your partner what you require has clearly moved him in the right direction, namely, towards you and a better future.

I assume you write, however, because you wonder if your partner’s future commitment will waver; given the amount of effort it took you to get him on course, you wonder if he’ll actually stay there.

Given how difficult it was to get him to divorce his ex-wife and move past his history of affairs, it makes sense that you worry that an about-face is inevitable. If your pressuring him is the only thing that keeps him in line, however, it might be worth letting him choose his own path, even if it takes him far away.

If you believe he behaves well as a partner simply because he’s afraid to lose you or brave your wrath, then your doubts force you to remain vigilant and threatening. But before you know it, you’re his old ball-and-chain, and that’s no good for either one of you.

Instead of threatening to become angry if he starts to neglect you in favor of his grown kids, declare your belief that, without mutual commitment, your relationship simply won’t work. Then, rather than scaring him back into line, let him know if you see an overall pattern of behavior that you can’t accept and protect yourself by doing some withdrawing of your own.

See whether he takes your rules to heart, not by measuring the intensity of his loving words, but by observing the way he spends his time. Not surprisingly, his actions mean more than his (groveling) words, so watch for improvement, rather than apologies, explanations, or protests of love.

If he doesn’t have the ability to stay committed, it’s not in your power to make the relationship work, nor is it worth the effort. What you can do and have done, however, is spell out good rules that can protect your relationship if he sticks to them. If he doesn’t, then all you can do is protect yourself and go in a new direction of your own.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’ve had to force my partner to give me what I wanted, but I’ve really just forced him to recognize what a relationship requires. Now I’ll watch to see if the lesson has stuck or whether he’s just trying to keep me happy. Either way, I’ll soon know what I’ve got.”

My sister and I have always known that there is nothing our mother cares more about than us. After Dad left when I was five, she put all her time into working and doing our homework with us. Now it’s fifteen years later, her nest is soon to be empty, and we’re worried she’s going to get depressed. She says she’s never been interested in finding someone new because her kids provide all the love she needs, but after we both move away, we’re worried she’s going to feel horribly alone. Our goal is to help her have a life of her own now that we’re no longer around at the dinner table.

Your mother has been careful not to make you responsible for her happiness, encouraging you to leave home, pursue your own future, and not worry about her. Don’t spoil her good effort then by making yourself too responsible for the way she feels and/or the lonely tone in her voice after you leave.

If you think dating is what she needs, remember how hard it is to find someone decent and how easy it is to meet jerks. Yes, you’d love for her to find a nice guy, but dating requires energy and toughness, especially if she’s to avoid winding up with someone you wish she’d never met. So don’t let romantic notions or guilt control your advice.

Without being too pushy, ask your mother what she does with her time after you depart (calling her on the phone and asking “what have you been up to?” is surprisingly effective at both getting information and giving her the impression that you’re the world’s best son). Hopefully, she’ll surprise you by filling her time with constructive activities and good friendships. Only if she sinks into a rut should you start to worry.

If she has trouble, don’t assume that she has the ability to start dating or even keep busy. Watch carefully to see what, if anything, she’s able to force herself to do to get herself out of it. If she can’t get going, urge her to accept help and see a therapist who can coach her on identifying her priorities, developing a schedule, and sticking with it.

Remember, your job isn’t to cheer her up by giving her someone to take care of. It’s to use your knowledge of her habits, likes, and dislikes to encourage her to re-shape her life and make a transition. If she’s unhappy, urge her to use that unhappiness to change her habits and build a new life as a woman who is, as always, her own boss.

STATEMENT:
“I feel my mother is ill prepared to lead a happy life when she has no children to take care of but I may be pleasantly surprised. If not, and she gets depressed, she may need to tolerate a period of change and unhappiness before she develops new tools and a new life.”