Inside Mob

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 22, 2014

The world of advertising has taught us that making good decisions, from choosing what car to buy to what gum to chew, requires a panel of experts; in the real world, however, four out of five friends or co-workers could agree on what’s best for you and still be extremely wrong. In reality, doing a careful, methodical evaluation often requires you to screen out distracting influences, whether they’re outside observers or inside antagonists. Then, no matter what you choose, you can unabashedly (or, in the case of advertising, literally) approve your message.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve been dating a guy who’s ten years younger than I am, and I think we get along very well, but my friends have started calling me a cougar, and even though they’re joking around, it’s very embarrassing. I’m thirty-four and I’d like to get married so I’m not looking for an adventure, but neither is my boyfriend, which is part of why our relationship works. Still, I’m worried about what other people will think and how it might affect my boyfriend and hurt our relationship over time. I’m also worried that his feelings might change because he’s so young. My goal is to figure out whether I should continue this relationship.

When people warn against getting too swayed by appearances when searching for a partner, it’s easy to assume they’re just telling you to look for someone with more to offer than good looks. What they could also be saying, however, is that you need to stay focused on what’s important in a partner, no matter how your relationship appears to others.

In other words, don’t just go for a guy because he’s sexy, and don’t just dump a guy because your friends give you shit.

In order to figure out what your partnership search should entail, begin by compiling a job description that reflects all the qualities you consider essential for a good mate. Some are generic and basic, like a clean drug test and criminal record, and others are more advanced, like a history of both disciplined money management and long-term relationships that didn’t end due to boredom or a fidelity impairment.

Other requirements are unique to your personality and include similar values and life goals, and the most important set can only be tested by weathering tough times together and include mutual acceptance of what you’re both like when you’re at your worst. If you can enjoy looking at someone and doing business with them but not traveling with them, you have a problem.

If—and only if—you’ve assessed the qualities you consider essential should you allow yourself to give weight to your emotional response, including love, lust, and whatever else rings your bell. That also includes your emotional response to your friends’ teasing.

As for those objections, be they joking or serious, pay attention to information about qualities you consider essential, like fidelity and reliability. If they think he’s too young to have established a track record of relationships, then go slow until a fuller picture emerges. If, however, they joke about your age difference because it’s unconventional and fits an unattractive stereotype, ignore them. Stereotypes are just the midway point between facts and bullshit, and if you know the facts, then their bullshit can be ignored.

If your years of experience have given you the wisdom to do a good, solid, patient search and the information you’ve gathered is positive, then you can be confident, regardless of what others say. If you’re judging your partner by your own, serious standards, then you have no reason to take your friends’ judgment seriously.

STATEMENT:
“When I imagine what people say about me and my younger boyfriend, I blush, but I have every reason to think he’s a mature man and that we’re a good match, which is all that matters.”

I like my new job, but there are a group of guys who don’t like me and are giving me a hard time because I got the job instead of this one jerk in their clique. When I try to ignore them and their bullying, the boss notices and says I’m not a team player, though he has also said that my performance in every other way is terrific. They don’t make sexual comments, but they make nasty asides about any mistake I make, particularly those related to company procedure (which I’m still getting familiar with). My goal is to figure out a way to avoid criticism by these bullies without giving the boss the impression that I don’t get along with people and don’t want to be a member of the team.

The fact that you’re performing well in your new job, despite petty harassment by your colleagues, tells you that you’ve got lots to offer and that it shows objectively, regardless of what they say or do. Of course, if you have a bad boss who is overly responsive to rumors and complaints, then you may still get fired; unfortunately, that, like the nastiness of the people you’re working with, is beyond your control.

The biggest danger that you can control is your emotional response to unfair criticism. If you respond spontaneously, with anger and outrage, you may appear unprofessional and it will be harder for your boss to figure out who started the conflict. If, however, you remain calm and professional and respond reasonably to unreasonable complaints, you will give a fair boss a chance to determine what’s really happening.

Don’t feel obliged to respond quickly to jibes about mistakes or false allegations. Instead, follow the same procedure you would use for any complaint; write it down, postpone your response, and gather facts. Then compose a positively-phrased summary of your investigation and conclusions.

After you state the complaint as you heard it, describe what you recall about the facts related to this complaint and the results, if any, of further investigation. Then either apologize for the mistake or declare it the result of an apparent misunderstanding. Finish by expressing your commitment to the job, your determination to address problems as they arise, and your gratitude for the feedback and this job you so enjoy. Then show a copy of your response to your boss.

Instead of expressing helplessness about your inability to win the trust and respect of your colleagues, let your boss know that you understand they may be hard to please, but you’re determined to meet the challenge of doing a good job and making effective use of their criticism.

By following your own standards of professional conduct, make petty criticism look pettier. If your boss doesn’t see it, you need to find a new job with the same work but a better boss. In any case, you’ll know you didn’t let unfair criticism lower your standards or break your self-control.

STATEMENT:
“When a colleagues blames me for something they know I didn’t do, I feel like a wimp if I say nothing and look like I’m too frightened to retaliate. I am most effective, however, when I do good work, choose my battles, and seize the opportunity to respond pleasantly and factually to false allegations.”