Walk Away Glad
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 18, 2014
Many relationship blow-ups are due to the most fleeting of bad moods; who knows how many divorces could have been avoided if both parties had just been well-rested, fed, and/or not stuck behind that school bus on the way home from work. The most dangerous bad moods, however, are the ones that don’t have a simple/stupid source, and if those cause someone you’re in a relationship with to push you away, you don’t have much room to negotiate. If they simply want to be alone, and have no blame to bestow, you’ll often do best to keep your distance while leaving the door open. If, on the other hand, they want to dump on you for something you know you haven’t done, use their push as a head start to get away as quickly as possible. In any case, bad moods can make relationships difficult, but moody people can make relationships impossible; stay away unless you’re good at protecting yourself and putting their moods second and your needs first.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in high school and I’ve been very good friends with this one guy for a very long time, and he’s kind of a passive, detached person; he generally doesn’t really care that much about most things, but it really wasn’t that big of a problem. At least until recently, since he’s started acting like he doesn’t care about our friendship. I know that he isn’t worth it, but we’ve been friends for such a long time that I don’t just want to let go. When I asked him why he was so bitter, even towards me, he said that he didn’t want any friends because everything is temporary, he doesn’t care about anything, etc. Now I know it sounds cool to be like, “fuck other people, I’m alone,” but I’m afraid he’s going to end up alone and sad if he continues to be a dick like this. My goal is to make him less bitter and be my friend again.
Before you make it your goal to reclaim a lost friendship, take a second to reconsider, not because your ever-detached friend might not be worth fighting for or just doomed to a life of dick-dom, but because you probably haven’t lost his friendship in the first place.
From what he’s said, you have no reason to think his feelings about you have changed. All that has changed is his mood and attitude towards the world, which, at this time of life isn’t that unusual. That his adolescent attitude has changed in a negative/apathetic direction is even less rare.
If you try to make your friend less bitter or more friendly, you’ll probably fail and/or make one or both of you feel frustrated; if you think being told how to think and act is annoying only when it comes from older authority figures, you’ll soon learn that it’s the intrusiveness, not the age of the intruder, that gets people irritated.
Unfortunately, you’re both facing a process you don’t control, but your values are in the right place. So, instead of challenging his feelings, declare your own views and invite him to make up his own mind.
Explain that, from what you understand, he sounds depressed, and that depressed feelings often cause people to feel angry and alone, which then causes them to shut themselves off and alienate others, which makes them feel more angry and alone. It’s a vicious cycle that can get depressed people to devalue their friendships and themselves.
You hope that’s not what’s happening to him, but either way, you’re sorry he feels alone, and now that you understand the way he feels—even if he swears he doesn’t feel that way because he’s depressed—you don’t intend to withdraw your friendship. At some future time, you hope he’ll feel differently. For now, you’re not angry, but you’re not going to fight him and stick around where you’re not wanted.
Then, give him space, even though it will probably be painful to feel his neglect or outright rejection. If you stand by your views, however, and keep your distance without withdrawing your offer, you’ll have done your best to preserve the relationship while offering him an alternative and positive view of life.
Just because someone pushes you away don’t mean you have to push them back. You may lose him from your life for a while, but if you wish him well, you might not lose his friendship forever.
STATEMENT:
“I hate to feel rejected and watch my old friend look miserable, but I will do my best not to let his negative feelings change my behavior or undermine the positive perspective that I’ve offered him.”
When I agreed to marry my husband, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy; he’s a good man and can be very caring, but he had a terrible childhood that left him with a bad temper and dark moods. I do my best to be understanding during his rough periods, even though his trauma, along with a learning disability, have also made it hard for him to hold a job and feel good about himself. When I’ve tried to talk to him about getting therapy, he says his problems are his parents’ fault, not his, but I really think he’s just too proud to get help. I enjoy our good times together, but his temper may be getting worse, his words are more and more hurtful, and I worry that he may hurt me physically. My goal is to get him to accept treatment so he stops having these bad mood swings and we can start to have a normal marriage.
Fortunately, your ability to understand the source of your husband’s anger and threatening speech allow you to stay calm and kind, and thus avoid provoking him to violence. Much less fortunately, however, your anger-whispering skills have distracted you from what personal goals you might have, other than helping him, and whether your marriage has any purpose other than intimacy and companionship. By reflexively soothing his rage, you ignore the possible red flag risks he poses to your future and safety.
As you know, the risk of caring too much about someone else’s mental stability is that you can lose track of your obligation to protect yourself from danger, as well as give time and energy to your own deeper needs for friendship, family, or work. You’re the only one in charge of those priorities and there’s never a good reason for sacrificing them for the sake of someone else’s happiness. That’s not a positive or healthy kind of love, and not the kind that you should be risking your own future in order to save.
Instead, give thought to what you require from marriage, forgetting for a moment the desire to see your husband happy. Like anyone, you can’t be yourself if you’re always afraid of your husband’s anger, and you can’t expect him to gain control of his anger if he thinks it’s someone else’s fault. You’ve put yourself in a dangerous situation and are not paying attention to your safety.
Remember the job you’re supposed to do for yourself, let him know that his temper requires better control, and don’t stay in the room if he loses it. If you’re lucky, your limit-setting may help him settle down. Certainly, being receptively kind, as you’ve already found out, is dangerous for both of you.
Find a coach or friend who can help you stand up for yourself without attacking your husband. Rejecting unacceptable behavior is the best way to help him and, even if it doesn’t help, to also protect yourself from becoming a slave to your marriage. Don’t worry about leaving things on a positive note to placate him and his suffering, because, if you can’t stop intimidation, the leaving’s all that matters.
STATEMENT:
“My heart bleeds to see my husband’s pain, but I realize I’ve lost track of my own needs, beginning with safety. I will remember my priorities and, in the process, lead my husband in the only direction that will allow our marriage to survive.”
