Wrong Term Solution

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 15, 2014

Since attention is a precious resource, it’s useful to view help like any other investment; sometimes your help pays off in the long run, even if you can’t get a good result right away, and sometimes your long-term prospects are grim and high-risk despite a good initial return. Just as you’d never invest sentimentally or impulsively, don’t get caught up in the immediate joys and frustrations of helping without first looking at the big picture and determining what you can actually accomplish and whether the benefit is worth the risk. Then you can invest wisely and with positive returns, sooner or later, for both you and those whose welfare you’re investing in.
–Dr. Lastname

I am worried that my daughter is heading for meltdown and I’m unsure how to help. Her marriage was a brief catastrophe that left her with no money and a young child. She seemed to be getting back on her feet by finding a nice place and, with my help, a new car, and she has support from family and friends. She also started a demanding new job that is out of her comfort zone–she was sick of her old job and wanted to switch careers for a long time—but now she is struggling to cope and feels back at square one with all the crying and sense of hopelessness. I suspect that returning to her old job would have had the same result, but she now feels it was a mistake to take on more stress and change, even though she needs to support her child and the work is well paid and what she always hoped to do. I have tried hard to help with practical matters and held back on unsolicited advice or judgment, but I find myself walking on eggshells for fear of getting it wrong. She is back on medication but I worry that her life is unraveling. My goal is to accept my limitations while knowing that I am doing all I can to offer support.

Parents with young children have a deep understanding of contagion, at least when it comes to the colds and infections that get picked up at the Petri dish we call school, but the real lesson comes when those children become adults. Parents might not catch their kids’ germs, but they can still get caught up in their drama.

Your daughter may feel like her life is unraveling because she is overwhelmed by motherhood and a demanding job, but don’t let her feelings infect your brain. Yes, she may wind up losing her current job, car, and temporary peace of mind, but that’s doesn’t mean she’s failing or that you have to go into crisis mode.

Remember, she was brave enough to take on the challenge of this job and she has a strong, loyal family to support and care for her and cheer her on. She freed herself from a bad marriage, and with your help, she’s doing a good job of raising a child. Instead of echoing her helplessness and feeling like you have to make everything better, take the healthier perspective and remind her of all the good she’s accomplished.

The fact that she’s depressed makes it hard for her to avoid negativity, but it doesn’t mean that she made a mistake. It may just mean that she was unlucky enough to experience a depression at a bad time and that it may yet resolve with medication, leaving her able to manage her new life.

On the other hand, even if this job is too much for her and she takes awhile to recover, she’ll learn from the experience. If she has to take a boring job she hates, she should still respect herself for making a necessary compromise for a very good cause. She may see herself as a failure but you know better.

Gain the perspective to become immune to her distorted, negative thoughts. You may be helpless to relieve her symptoms, but not to challenge her negative values. Tell her that she’s not a failure and her life is not unraveling; she’s learning life’s limits the hard way while dealing with depression.

As much as she’s hurting, her values are good, and there’s nothing to stop her from recovering, learning, and moving on. You may not be able to heal her, but truth and patience are the best disinfectant for you both.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to see my daughter’s tears and depression without feeling she’s falling apart, but I will let her know that I’m proud of her ambition and willingness to take chances and I’m confident that she will be a stronger person after she recovers.”

I started volunteering at the local high school last year as a tutor to kids at risk of failing, and I seemed to be very helpful with this one tough kid because he actually got a passing grade in math when I wasn’t sure at first if he could add. He didn’t shown up for sessions when school started this year, and the program coordinator said it’s because this kid only cares about school for short periods when he isn’t high. The kid didn’t seem like a criminal to me though, so I checked in with him personally, and he admitted that his home life is a mess (father drinks, brother’s abusive) so he can’t focus in school. I’ve been trying to talk him through it over the phone and email, but the school won’t do anything about it, nor do they want me to talk to him since I’m not a licensed therapist or anything so it could be a legal issue. My goal is to help this kid, not just with his schoolwork, but with his life.

Nothing can reduce the value of the good work you’ve done by helping this young man with his math and respecting his accomplishments. You’ve also shown that you care and given him a positive incentive for staying clean and going to school. Never make it your goal, however, to help someone without also considering what could go wrong and the harm it could cause. Don’t insist you see something in this kid that his school doesn’t if you haven’t taken time to see the bigger picture.

While your heart tells you that all this young man needs is more love, attention, and a chance to escape his disturbed family, your head should tell you that most people’s stories, especially those that come from teenagers with substance abuse issues, are usually far more complicated.

His drugging behaviors may be hard to stop (and may cause him to bend the truth as only addicts can), and your efforts to help, particularly when they’re unauthorized by school or family, may cause others to hold you responsible for his problems.

If you reach out more aggressively, you may cause his parents to feel criticized or threatened enough to accuse you of having sexual motivations, or allow the young man to exploit your sympathy to support his drug habits. You don’t have the official standing to protect you or supervision to help you figure out when your help is being misused. Remember that you have a responsibility to protect yourself and to respect the fact that help has its limits; more help doesn’t necessarily produce better results.

It’s wonderful that you want to help kids, and you obviously have much to offer, but you have to parse that help effectively. That means managing the risks that arise from helping kids with drug abuse and disturbed family relationships and learning when to back off, at least temporarily. You did a great job with the task you were assigned to handle, but knowing and accepting that you can’t do more is the real challenge.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to give up on helping a good kid with real potential, particularly when I’ve seen how well he could grow if he had the chance, but I know I added something positive to his life and that there are limits to what I can do. I will continue to encourage him whenever I have the chance, while providing help to those who can use it.”