Loss Examination

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 11, 2014

Too often, people try to apply the koan about a tree in the woods to a mistake in their lives, i.e., if you’re fucking up but don’t acknowledge it, is it really your problem? Unfortunately, the answer isn’t just always yes, but yes, and how; avoiding a realistic look at something bad you might’ve done to someone else or yourself will often spare you the pain of immediate humiliation, guilt, or loss, but in the long run, it will cause much more. Instead of staying silent, make a sound/effort and examine the consequences and value of your actions. Then you’ll not only be able to take responsibility for your mistakes, but have some ability to make them right.
–Dr. Lastname

I have two daughters and I love my wife, so I was surprised when my older girl, who’s starting her second year of college, accused me of being sexist because of a joke I told her I liked. I admit that I don’t have a “PC” sense of humor, but I work with women I like and I’m sure they don’t think I’m sexist, so I told her she was being ridiculous, which just made her angrier. My wife then gave me a look that said she didn’t disagree with our daughter, so now I feel ambushed. My goal is to defend myself against an accusation I know is untrue from a bunch of females who are ganging up on me.

It hurts to be criticized by women who are important to you, and it makes sense that your instinct is to immediately defend yourself. The problem with a defensive reaction, however, especially when it comes to accusation of sexism, is that it reads as dismissive and patronizing. So if you think it hurts when two women you love call you sexist, imagine how those two women feel when you appear to prove them right.

You may know in your heart that you’d never treat women unfairly or target them, but plenty of people with good hearts can accidentally say and do bad things. The number one cause of offensive words and actions isn’t purposeful bigotry, but accidental ignorance; plenty of people say things that could be considered racist, but very few of them are dues-paying members of the KKK.

While you can’t be blamed for saying something sexist unintentionally, you do need to take responsibility if accusations of sexism come your way. That means taking the time to examine the substance of their criticism before you dismiss it off-hand; your daughter isn’t trying to hurt you, but to help you see something, and it’s worth at least taking a quick look.

So begin by defining sexism in your own way before measuring your behavior and assessing the sexist impact of your humor. Ask yourself whether it includes giving the women in your life the same level of support, approval, and zinger-targeting as you do to men. It’s less important to focus on what you laugh at since one is rarely defined by one’s sense of humor; people do lots of dumb things to avoid pain in life, like joke about serious issues. What you practice means more than what punch-lines you enjoy.

Find out whether other women find your behavior or humor demeaning. Don’t waste time examining your wordings, tone, or hidden meanings, because you’re asking for their impression of your actions, not offering explanations. Then determine, to your own satisfaction, if your jokes and possibly other actions strike a number of women as sexist.

If, as is likely from your initial survey of your wife and daughter, you sometimes come across as sexist, ask yourself whether it’s worthwhile for you to clean up your act, even if you don’t quite get what you’re doing wrong, simply because it matters to those you respect.

There’s no crime in having offensive feelings or in not understanding why you may come across as offensive. Once you know you’re offensive, however, it’s dumb not to rein it in when it’s hurting or demeaning those you love, and thus yourself, because then you’re stubbornly holding on to behavior you don’t even approve of.

Nobody wants to be called sexist, or racist, anything-ist, but if somebody just wanted to insult you, they’d probably just call you an asshole; if you care about not being bigoted as much as you care about not being accused, then you have to get over your hurt and hear what your daughter has to say.

STATEMENT:
“I may not believe I’m sexist, but I’m determined to censor my speech and other actions so I don’t routinely cause women I respect to feel demeaned or unfairly treated.”

I’ve been dating a medical student and we’re getting along very well, though she initially said she really wasn’t interested in a committed relationship. She said she’s a lot like her dad, a surgeon who dedicated himself to saving lives and developing new techniques, and that she can’t let social obligations get in the way of her dreams and ambitions. Meanwhile, I love being with her and think we would make a great team. I know she has big goals and is wary of having a family just to put it second to her career, but she’s still in training, so I keep thinking that things could change. My goal is to figure out if this means that we could be happy if we just let things develop and see where they go.

It’s always a mistake to date someone, no matter how nice and attractive, who is unlikely to be available for the kind of partnership you want for yourself in the long run. Prospective partners aren’t likely to change, even if they love you to pieces, and they’re less likely to when they’re aware of/vocal about their own limitations. It’s your job to accept them for who they are, see if they’re a good fit, and walk away when it’s clear that they aren’t.

There’s no reason for you to underestimate your girlfriend’s ambition and commitment to her career. From what you say, it’s as rooted in idealism and a love for surgery as her father’s was, and as likely to limit her availability to a spouse and kids. The idea that falling in love will change her priorities is falsely wishful and unlikely.

The fact that a relationship is likely to lead to heartache won’t stop you from falling in love, respecting one another, and enjoying one another’s company, but it will keep you from having that kind of relationship indefinitely. It’s up to you then to apply the principles of good, common-sense matchmaking, stay away from trouble, and keep yourself available for better prospects.

Of course, question these assumptions before making up your mind. Ask yourself whether there’s anything about your girlfriend’s commitment to surgery and a totally immersive work-style that seems temporary or likely to give way to her involvement in relationships and nurturing. Don’t just look for how much she likes you, but for what she’s like, period.

If, however, her commitment to work seems rooted in character and values, rather than a temporary dedication to training, then it’s time to accept that she’s a bad bet as a partner, and you should take better care of yourself, your heart, and your future. Look for someone just as nice, but available, and never resist looking for real answers, no matter how much you don’t want to hear them.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t help feeling that my girlfriend is someone I’d like to spend the rest of my life with, but I know that she won’t make a good partner unless she wants the kind of partnership I do, even if she wants to spend her life with me. I will not let myself fall in love with anyone who doesn’t look like a good match.”