Whole Wide Worth

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 8, 2014

Thanks to eBay, Antiques Roadshow, and the various fronts of the Storage Wars, it’s fairly easy to put a value on almost any object. When it comes to putting a value on our own skills, however, most of us come up dangerously short; sometimes, we overvalue our services in an unreceptive market or undervalue them in order to make sacrifices for the needs of others. Fortunately, if you pay more attention to your needs and the market than to your emotions, you can assess your professional worth without the need of an expert or auctioneer.
–Dr. Lastname

I’m glad my sons took over the family restaurant, because I really don’t want to work so hard now that I’m in my fifties, but I care about the business and still want to contribute to its success. The trouble is that they’re a bit like my ex-husband—they get very overbearing and negative about any suggestion I have to offer—so even though I’ve got a nice office at the restaurant and go there every day, I feel useless. I have ideas and expertise, but I’m just waiting for my chance to contribute. My goal is to find a way to make my sons feel more comfortable about my suggestions, so they can continue to grow the business and learn to respect their mother’s ideas.

While being of an older generation can get you respect in most families—at least if the younger generation is out of their teens—the opposite is true in business. As in art or music, a successful business-person is more apt to get due praise from the next generation after he or she is gone, not necessarily from this earth, but just from the office.

It’s a shame that your sons can’t take advantage of your restaurant management experience, but like a lot of people new to leadership, they seem determined to prove and distinguish themselves by doing things their own way. Any attempt to impart wisdom may seem less like genuine interest and more like interference.

You can evaluate and get help with your negotiating technique; it’s sometimes possible to give your adult kids the feeling that they’re in control while ensuring that your looks, sighs, or body language not be taken as a sign of disapproval.

If, however, they tend to be control freaks with everyone, not just with you, and you’re confident in your own ability to frame ideas without conveying any sense of urgency or pressure, then you may have to accept the sad fact that working with your kids is just not possible. You need to find other things to do with your life, like become a restaurant consultant to other clients or a private caterer, that will take you out of that office.

Beware of the temptation to focus on this restaurant and these relationships because you feel they all belong to you. Ask yourself whether, even when you know it will backfire, your mind continues to focus on solving problems that you won’t be allowed to deal with, and your lips continue to try to persuade those who will react negatively, no matter what you say. If the answer to both is yes, then remember that the company isn’t yours, and your company isn’t appreciated.

Instead, bring your executive skills to bear on managing the daily priorities and activities of the new solo company that is your life. Work with a retirement consultant, if necessary, to define priorities and create a schedule and to-do list, while blocking yourself from playing and working where you’re not wanted.

You have the skills and interests to create a good life for yourself, as long as you can shut the door on your old ties and responsibilities. Let the new generation take over, and find a new venture where you can put your esteemed skills to use.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand watching my kids miss great opportunities to improve the family business, but my success has always depended as much on my ability to be realistic as on dedication and imagination. I have done a great job of trying to create a business partnership with my kids and it may not be possible. I am prepared to apply my skills to managing the rest of my life.”

I love taking care of disabled people in their homes, and don’t mind doing live-in work now that my kids are grown and my wife passed away. I particularly like the man I’m caring for now, who has MS, but his wife just asked me to work longer hours for the same pay under the table, arguing that she’d be doing me a favor by helping me avoid taxes, which I consider illegal, and she needs more help to keep her husband at home, but can’t afford to pay more. I’ve heard that under-the-table payments are pretty common for people in my field, but it’s not my style, and I don’t want to work more for the same pay. If I don’t accept, I know it will put stress on her husband and may force her to put him in a nursing home. Even if she’s a jerk, I hate the idea of abandoning her husband when the family’s so hard up. My goal is to get her to see that she’s being unreasonable.

When you’re in the business of caring for and nurturing others, requesting payment feels like you’re deliberately, if unavoidably, harming the person you most want to help, even if not requesting proper payment will certainly harm your own life; it may be why many caregivers, including doctors and lawyers, delegate fee negotiation and collection to others. So it’s hard not to feel responsible for protecting your client from the cost of your services, and it’s not unusual for your client’s family to play on this sense of responsibility in order to persuade you to accept a lower fee.

If caregiving is your business, however, you have a responsibility to care for yourself, particularly since it’s no one else’s job. Yes, you may experience an uncomfortable conflict of interest, but there’s no need to soothe guilt by giving away your services.

Instead, find out the market value of your services by asking agencies and other caregivers, factoring in any special skills or off-hours availability that might affect it. Ignoring, for the moment, your affection for your current patient, take into account your own financial needs in terms of current cash flow, savings, and retirement.

Finally, decide whether and how much you can afford to discount your services for the sake of your client and the amount of satisfaction you get from the work. Don’t consider your client’s needs until you’ve paid proper respect to your responsibilities as a caregiver and agent for yourself; doing otherwise is a self-betrayal that exposes you to manipulation and exploitation.

Without apologizing for your need to make a living, let your employer know what salary you think is fair, given your understanding of what she can get on the open market. If you wish to compromise, do so, but not to appease guilty feelings or to please your boss. Communicate your pride in your work and your determination to walk away, reluctantly, if your needs can’t be met.

You may not be able to protect your client from having to enter a nursing home, but you can give proper respect to your own basic needs, be fair in pricing your services, and offer discounts if and only if you can afford to do so. Then you can find the balance between providing a good quality of life for your patient and making a decent living for yourself.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to see my client suffer, but I respect my responsibility to support myself and to limit sacrifices to what I know I can afford. I do not expect to feel comfortable when my own needs may interfere with a client’s, but I am confident in my ability to figure out a fair compromise, regardless of whether others agree.”