Mind Your Voice
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 31, 2014
Some pressing problems are like mosquito bites or cravings for bags of Kit-Kats; the amount of urgency they inspire is inverse to the amount of attention they deserve. Other problems, like that angry rash on your arm or the spreading leak under the toilet, would be much easier to bear if you did not have to think or talk about them, but they’re the ones that often require careful discussion and negotiation. So don’t let your problems tell you when to talk or keep silent. Ask yourself what’s necessary, and, exactly like an adult who can deal with problems responsibly, you’ll often find yourself doing the opposite of what’s comfortable, and knowing you’re doing a good job.
Please Note: This is our last new post until 9/4, since we’re taking August to focus on finishing our book. We’ll refresh the front page with older posts while you get refreshed in the sun, and we’ll see you (and your sunburns) in September.
I have awful OCD symptoms that I can’t find the right treatment for. For years, I’ve had graphic, uncontrollable thoughts about killing the people I really care about (my parents, my husband), and even though I have no reason to harm the people I love, the thoughts are so persistent that I genuinely fear I’ll hurt one of them. I started psychotherapy in my twenties, and it’s always felt good to have someone I could tell about it so I felt less pressure and fear, but after all these years and communication (and a couple attempts at medication), nothing’s ever really changed. Now I’m in my forties and I’m happily married, but my husband rolls his eyes when I bring up the subject and try to relieve my fear by airing it out. My goal is to end these thoughts once and for all.
Not surprisingly, the best way to get control over obsessive thoughts isn’t to obsess over them. Airing these thoughts might provide temporary relief, but instead of releasing them, you’re empowering them; they’re like a plant, and you’re giving them the air and sunlight they need to grow and grow.
You’ve clearly tried everything, including medications, which sometimes reduce the intensity of obsessional thinking. If nothing has worked, however, then you probably also know that there isn’t a cure. That means it’s time to practice acceptance, as well as restraint.
Now that you know these symptoms are permanent, start thinking about what makes them better or worse. Again, don’t think about what makes you feel better in the short run, like recounting your thoughts to your husband and/or a shrink. Giving your obsessions a larger role in your life and increasing your need for reassurance has probably done more damage than good.
Instead, decide for yourself whether there is any fault in having such thoughts and what standards you would apply to someone who has them. In all probability, you would not fault people for having thoughts they can’t control, and you would respect their ability to go on with life, work, and relationships in spite of the noise in their head. In other words, you would find good reason to respect yourself.
Next time you feel like talking about your horrible thoughts, remember that your goal isn’t relief, which is impossible; it’s to live a full life, which is what you’re doing. Instead of talking about your symptoms, think about what you’re doing in spite of them. If obsessing about your thoughts prevents you from doing something important, get a coach to help you keep moving.
Given its persistence, you don’t beat OCD by getting rid of the symptoms. You can, however, loosen its grip by living your life despite those symptoms. By focusing on what’s important to you, not what’s important to your disease, you’ll be the one to grow and thrive.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand the feeling of impending crime that follows my OCD thoughts, but so far I haven’t done anything horrible and, indeed, I’ve been able to do lots of good things with my life. If I can’t get rid of the horrible thoughts, I’m proud of having prevented them from interfering with what matters in my life.”
My kid has major learning disabilities, and the teachers and administrators at his old school were so attentive to his issues that I didn’t realize how much help he needs and was getting until we had to move. Now he’s at a new school where his teachers doesn’t know what to do with him and, frankly, don’t seem to care. When my son got in trouble for acting up, I went with him to school to talk to someone, and got stuck with a low-level administrator who didn’t want to read his evaluations from his old school and seemed determined to get me to leave. My son’s grades and behavior are getting worse, and while I know these problems are both due to his need for help, I have no idea what to do but sit here and get an ulcer. My goal is to find a way to help my kid.
You’ve already discovered that your son learns well if he gets the right kind of help, which is reassuring. You are also probably aware that you have a legal right to assistance, although some states and school systems are much more responsive than others. What you are now realizing is that you can’t worry that kind of help into existence; it’s time to act, and act thoughtfully.
Begin by getting documents from his old school demonstrating both his disability and the kind of intervention that helped him. Then calmly make it clear to the new school principal that, unless something equivalent can be arranged, you’ll have to hire an advocate and/or lawyer.
Although you have good reason to feel angry and frustrated, try to appeal to the nurturing side of the teachers you speak to; some may get defensive about the idea that they’re not doing enough and aren’t succeeding. Be clear that you’re not blaming them (though you might like to and some may deserve it), just blaming the fact that they haven’t been given the resources they need to do the job they really want to do.
Use the PTA and internet to discover how difficult and costly it is to get what you want from this school system. Without getting caught up in the righteousness of your cause (though it is righteous), find out whether this is a battle you can win and whether victory is affordable.
If you can’t get the services you know your son needs, think about moving to a better school district or finding an alternative school in the area. You’re not out to beat bad guys or get blood out of a stone, simply to get services you know are necessary and available, at least in better systems. You can’t get any of those things, however, if you don’t make a strong effort the smart way.
STATEMENT:
“I feel helpless and angry that this school system’s inferior services and unresponsive attitude are putting my son through hell and costing him his confidence. I know what he needs, however, and I can use a carrot-stick combo to either get this school system to provide the necessary services or make it clear we have to move.”
