‘Nuff Love

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 28, 2014

Tough love is always a tricky option; it’s never clear when it’s appropriate, if it’s ever appropriate, or when you’re so fed up that you’ve actually crossed the line into “easy dislike.” This is especially true when you can’t seem to get through to a troubled loved one and aren’t sure whether you need to do more or “toughen up” and do less. Instead of letting fear or frustration control your involvement, ask yourself what prevents him or her from getting help, then try different strategies, and observe what happens. Sometimes more is more and sometimes more is less, but you can be sure, no matter how helpful you can be, that you’re doing your best with what in unquestionably a tough situation.
–Dr. Lastname

Please Note: After this Thursday, we are taking time off to finish our book and won’t have a new post until 9/4. Please have a fun and problematic August, and we’ll be back to help in September.

My brother is sinking into an economic mess and he won’t let me help him. He’s a good guy who’s worked for years at the kind of manufacturing jobs that are now being shipped overseas, and his last position was just eliminated. I’m good at managing problems like this and discussed his options—selling his place, cutting back on expenses, getting employment counseling—but he doesn’t follow through, or even seem to pay attention. Sometimes I think he’s got some brain issues or something, because he invited me over to dinner recently and when I showed up he was asleep on the couch after eating fast food. He’s depressed, but he can laugh and enjoy himself, so it’s more that he spaces out whenever he has to do something complicated. My goal is to get him to get moving before he goes deep into debt and can’t pay his bills.

Some people don’t respond to good advice because they’re stubborn or lazy, while others appear stubborn or lazy because their brains are failing to process information normally. There’s a big difference between having a damaged personality and a damaged brain.

The fact that your brother forgot he invited you to dinner suggests he’s having trouble with attention and maybe memory. The bad news is that he might have some serious cognitive issues, but the good news is that, with a little time and effort, you might be able to help him with his financial situation after all.

Start by checking out his refrigerator and desktop to see how he’s taking care of basic chores, like food shopping and bill paying. If he’s not, ask him whether it’s because he’s depressed or just has trouble staying organized. Don’t sound angry, just eager to help.

If the issue isn’t depression but comprehension, break your advice into smaller segments and offer more reminders. Announce your concern for his disability while making it clear you don’t hold him responsible or being condescending. Advise him that, with the right help, he can still do what’s necessary to protect himself, but first he has to learn new methods for managing tasks that used to be easy.

Medication that may improve his focus, memory, and mood might be worth trying, particularly under his desperate circumstances, but getting him to remember regular doctor visits and when to take pills might be challenging. A good coach can be less intimidating for him and help him get organized for self-care at home and for a job search. If his disability is too hard to manage, he may well qualify for government assistance and Medicare.

Of course, in addition to having a neurological impairment, he may also be stubborn and refuse to accept your suggestions. If so, a crisis will have to happen before he’ll move forward.

In the meantime, you have a good plan ready to go, awaiting his decision, and a better attitude towards his issues. Either way, the problem’s in his head, not on your conscience.

STATEMENT:
“It’s scary and irritating to see my brother fall into a hole, knowing he’ll call on me when he’s in a jam. I’ve done what I can, however, and have no reason to feel responsible if he can’t accept advice. If he goes broke, I probably won’t be able to give him what he wants, but I’ll give him what he needs, to the extent that I can.”

My daughter has been a compulsive shoplifter since she was fifteen, though I didn’t find out about it until she was arrested recently, at age twenty-two. She’s also had trouble with drugs, school, jobs, and a set of always-in-trouble friends. Since her arrest, I’ve tried desperately to get her good legal help and therapy, so she can overcome this problem without a prison record. Until last week she was getting nowhere, because she didn’t even tell her therapist about the shoplifting. Then she got busted and put under house arrest (she wear an electronic ankle bracelet). She says this is the first time it’s really sunk in that she has to stop, and I’m glad to hear it, but I don’t know if I believe it or how I’m going to keep her from going to jail. My goal is to get her help before she’s stuck with a record she’ll have for the rest of her life.

Sometimes when parents worry more about the risks of their child’s bad behavior than the child does, it makes it harder, not easier, for the child to control that behavior. That’s because the parents’ concerns make the child feel protected and embraced by family, as if the ultimate risk is their family’s response, rather than a criminal record.

You daughter tells you that her direct encounter with the law, via her new ankle monitor, has given her a new sense of ownership of her problem, as well as worry about what will happen to her. No, you don’t want her to have a criminal record, but it appears that anything less than the threat of a criminal record doesn’t get through.

So don’t let your fears for your daughter prevent you from thinking realistically about methods for controlling her problem. You know therapy hasn’t helped because she avoids talking about the issue, and that your love and protection haven’t changed a range of destructive behaviors that she isn’t getting a grip on.

Ask yourself then whether a possible criminal record is more important than the risks of continuing her current lifestyle. Don’t let immediate fears override longer-term concerns, simply because they feel more intense.

As your daughter says, the ankle monitor is the first thing that has really motivated her to turn things around. Unfortunately, you can’t control whether or not she gets jail-time, or know 100% that she’s telling the truth. What you can do, however, is intensify her conviction that she is living her own life, committing her own crimes, and risking her own punishment.

If you think the advantages outweigh the risk, make it clear she’ll have to defend herself. She will never lose your love, but she has lost your protection, and that’s probably just what she needs to help her grow up and own her life.

STATEMENT:
“I’m terrified by the horrible things that courts and jail could do to my daughter, but I know treatment hasn’t worked and her bad behavior hasn’t improved. I will let her experience the pain and risks of a trial and possibly jail in the hope that it will give her new strength to control her impulses. I will root for her and give her my blessing.”