Venerable Intelligence

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 14, 2014

You lose a lot of important things as you get older—hearing, memory, life—but you also lose the ability to give a crap about things that really don’t matter. That’s why, if you’ve suffered from insecurity, either about work performance or the amount of commitment in relationships, being old can give you a more solid perspective and new management opportunities. So, if you’re old enough to have lots of experience, don’t get too worried by old fears. Rely on your own perspective to tell you what you need to do, regardless of what others think and your anxiety tells you. Just don’t rely on your ability to read small print.
–Dr. Lastname

I’m in a very specific line of consulting work—lots of research, long hours—that I’m very good at and enjoy doing, but I also wind up driving myself crazy with anxiety about doing the job just right. I formally retired a few years ago after many years in the business, when I was 55 and didn’t need the money, but I took a contract a few months ago because the specific assignment interested me. After all these years, however, I’m still having panic attacks, tightness in my chest, and shortness of breath. I even had to dig out the valium. I’m just obsessed with doing a perfect job, even though I know this stuff cold and my clients love me. My goal is to figure out what’s wrong with me and stop making myself sick.

Anxiety often causes symptoms that feel like sickness or even a heart attack (chest pain, tightness in your chest, shortness of breath, sweating), but that doesn’t mean that, like those other illnesses, it also shortens your life. A heart attack can kill you; a panic attack just makes you feel like you’re going to die.

So, while it’s natural to think that you’re making yourself sick every time you allow yourself to get anxious, anxiety isn’t deadly, or even totally detrimental; in regular doses, it helps you by making you worry about survival, making a living, and avoiding danger. Anxiety’s a lot like wine; a small amount everyday is helpful, a large amount everyday can make you feel helpless.

Even though you can sometimes make yourself relax or make enough money so that you have “nothing to worry about,” life is always dangerous and suppressing your ability to be anxious would make it more so.

Of course, anxiety can also flare up for no reason and become painfully intense, even when there’s nothing obvious to be anxious about. For some people, anxiety attacks are like migraines, arriving for no reason and making it very hard to function until they go away. Even then, however, they don’t mean you’re deteriorating, just experiencing an episode of meaningless pain that will pass.

So don’t get anxious about anxiety, especially at this stage in life. When you were starting out in your career, anxiety probably helped you stay focused, learn your business, and do an extra good job, which is why you were able to retire at 55. Now, it’s unfortunate that you can’t turn it off, but age may give you new tools for managing it.

Instead of trying to feel better by working harder, ask yourself how much work you need to do for a competent, not perfect, job. Make yourself more anxious, if necessary, at least at first, by stopping work when you’ve met your standards for competence. Remind yourself frequently that you took this job for fun and some profit, not to save the world, and that you’re too old and rich to care what people think. Take a Valium if necessary, but try to limit the amount of time you work and preserve time for your other life priorities.

You may never be able to control anxiety, but you can use your age and experience to stop it from scaring you and controlling your decisions. With practice, you can manage your life more reasonably in spite of it, without always feeling like you’re about to die.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m sick with worry about the job I’ve committed to doing, but I’m old enough to know I can do it well by just sticking to my schedule and doing my usual. I may not be able to stop being anxious, but I won’t let it control how I do my work.”

I wish my girlfriend was interested in sharing more of her life with me, but she’s got a big job, two grown kids, and a sick sister to care for, and she’s made clear that, while she enjoys our time together, she can’t stand having any more people making demands on her, particularly now that, like me, she’s in her 60s and doesn’t have the stamina she used to. I know having “the talk” with her would go nowhere, and I’d rather have this relationship than not, but she’s going to have to retire sooner rather than later, and in my experience as a retiree, I know it’s better to have more people in your life at this point than fewer. My goal is to figure out if there’s a way, in the long run, to move this relationship towards a partnership without putting pressure on her.

One advantage of being in your 60s, aside from discount movie tickets and a new appreciation for eating early, is that neediness doesn’t seem to make you feel rejected by a part-time relationship. As much as you’d like more, you don’t feel insulted by the limits your girlfriend puts on the time you spend together, and you’re not driven to tell her so. She’s not looking to find someone else; she’s just very busy and committed to her family and work.

I assume you’re confident about her basic honesty and feel her other priorities are legitimate. You also have the experience to know what will happen if you pressure her to make more time for your relationship.

Having accepted your lack of control over her decisions, remind yourself that you remain free to look for another partner who is more available. Don’t let resentment or over-attachment interfere with your continuing to do an active search, if steadier companionship is what you’re looking for. The internet expands your market immensely, but requires you to be very, very efficient and focused to avoid getting bogged down with non-candidates.

Meanwhile, ask your girlfriend what kind of life she’d like to lead if and when she retires. Even compulsive givers find themselves with time on their hands—and needs of their own—once they’re no longer working. That’s the point where she may want a different kind of companionship, and it’s worth pointing that out without being pushy.

Remind yourself that, though it may be frustrating, you’ve chosen this relationship because it’s a good compromise and you respect your choice. Your experience allows you to manage negative feelings about such compromises in a way you couldn’t when younger/not an early bird, and you’re doing it successfully. Hopefully, your girlfriend can do the same.

STATEMENT:
“I feel rejected and humiliated by my girlfriend’s decision to put me at the periphery of her life, but we have a good time together and I respect her honesty. I’ll continue to make the most out of this relationship until I find something better.”