Messed Friend

Posted by fxckfeelings on July 3, 2014

One of the common mistakes in one-sided relationships is that the wrong side—the jilted side—tends to feel responsible. People tend to blame themselves when the other person doesn’t do their share, act respectfully, or just return a damned text. In any case, talking about it doesn’t usually change character, behavior, or interpersonal chemistry, so trust your judgment and do what’s necessary to find friends whose commitment meets your standards and drop those who don’t. When you use good judgment in relationships, there’s no need to blame yourself for someone else’s bad behavior.
–Dr. Lastname

Please Note: In honor of both Canada Day and Independence Day in the US, we’re going to take Monday off so we have the time to celebrate most of North America. We’ll be back on Thursday, 7/10.

I’ve been going out with a girl I get along with pretty well, and we’ve been comfortable about making it exclusive for the past eight months. I always have the feeling I shouldn’t push things too far though, and the other day, I really needed her help because I was moving into a new place. When I asked her, she said sorry, but she needed the time to see some friends and take it easy. It pissed me off, but now I wonder whether I’m just being needy. My goal is to figure out whether I should say something or whether her behavior means a whole lot.

There’s a world of difference between being needy and simply needing; being needy usually causes nothing but anger and bickering, but needing a little deserved help is nothing unusual, and nothing your average friend would refuse. Unfortunately, this friend is not average (and might not be a girlfriend for much longer).

Instead of mistrusting your standards of give-and-take in a good friendship, you should wonder whether your girlfriend knows how to be a friend, and whether it’s time to tell her to take a walk.

If you tell your girlfriend that you’re annoyed, she may accuse you of expecting too much and getting angry when you shouldn’t, which will make you doubt yourself, particularly if you don’t want to let go of your relationship. What you should be doing, however, is doubting her, or at least the value of her friendship.

After all, she won’t help you move even though you’ve given her eight months of time and affection, while most friends will help you if you just give them some pizza.

Of course, don’t judge someone on the basis of a single event, particularly if there’s a specific reason for her not to show up and share in the heavy lifting. On the other hand, if she always finds a way to no-show, or the heavy lifting is something you always do for her and she seldom does for you, then you’ve got a one-sided relationship and you’re in trouble.

Unless you want to argue about whether or not your friend should have come to your aid, don’t talk to her until you know where you stand and what you’re prepared to do. Then let her know, positively, that you require a higher level of commitment, which means greater responsiveness than she’s been showing, for the relationship to continue. If she argues, that’s your sad answer.

Don’t compromise because of alleged neediness. What you both need and deserve is a balanced relationship, and the main way of getting it is not to waste time on relationships that don’t and can’t measure up.

STATEMENT:
“I don’t want to lose a relationship that’s become part of my life, but I won’t let myself become too attached to someone who doesn’t give as much as take, and I’m perfectly capable of deciding if that has happened here.”

I spent many years in a relationship with a guy who always seemed to feel trapped by me, but I tried hard to be the person he wanted me to be. Not surprisingly, he eventually left and it took me a long time to recover. Now I’ve recovered and started internet dating, and I found myself chatting with a guy who seemed very funny. So when he said he loved hiking, which happens to be my thing, I suggested a good trail and proposed we meet. He didn’t answer back, and it’s been a week. So today I sent another cute message, suggesting another trail if he didn’t like that one. My goal is to find a way to get this interesting conversation re-started now that it’s petered out.

One of the more valuable lessons that you could learn from your experience with your ex—aside from the need to quickly release anyone who claims to be “trapped”—is that you have a weakness for guys who don’t like you as much as you like them. It’s like not wanting to join any club that would want you as a member; it’s a common craving, but very dangerous to indulge, as you know from your recent breakup.

Just because you’ve got strong urges, however, doesn’t mean you have to act on them, particularly when you’re now older and very much wiser. The best way to protect yourself from your yen for mixed-signal guys is to never, ever pursue anyone who steps away from you.

That doesn’t mean responding with hurt, anger, or rejection, or writing guys off at lightening speed. It just means that your requirement for a lasting relationship is that your candidate seems really interested in you without your having to try too hard, and that the longer you talk, the more the interest seems to grow. In the movies, it’s romantic and touching when a seemingly rejected suitor refuses to take no for an answer. In real life, it’s a good way to buy rejection.

Look for red flags that should cause you to reject a candidate and move on quickly, no matter how attractive they are, like an eagerness to back off, putting in less effort than you (see case above), a lack of reliability, and a general ratio of time spent/calls made and returned/dinners purchased that tends to skew wildly in your favor.

You haven’t given mixed signals, so don’t doubt yourself, just his worthiness. If he changes his mind and emails you again, make sure he’s got a good explanation for his absence before you decide to re-engage, not out of anger, but because there’s no point in getting close to someone you have to pursue. The sooner you drop people who aren’t really interested, the more you increase your chance of finding someone who really is.

STATEMENT:
“I would like to reach out to the last guy I flirted with because I thought we had a connection, but I know a bad habit when I see one. The sooner I move on, the better.”