Character Factor

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 26, 2014

Character attacks, like drive-by shootings and lottery winnings, never seem to go to the right people; sensitive innocents are often used as pawns (and attacked, and tortured) in battles between those close to them, and clueless and insensitive idiots refuse to accept any criticism as valid. Whatever emotional hurt you experience, dish out, or deny, your moral judgment of the behavior being criticized counts most in the end. Hurt fades quickly if you see no wrong in what you’ve done, and if you see wrong in the actions of others, what you do to avoid them is more important than calling them out and getting to their feelings, certainly if you have something of a drive-by nature in mind.
–Dr. Lastname

I feel ashamed that my weaknesses are opening my son to a vicious attack by his ex-wife’s lawyer. She’s a monster and her lawyer is trying to make my husband and I look like we’re incompetent and even dangerous grandparents when it comes to caring for their kids. His ex-wife’s lawyer told the judge that, because I’ve been hospitalized for mania and alcoholism, I shouldn’t be allowed to care for my grandchildren, and then demanded my medical records. I can’t defend myself, because it’s true, even though I’ve been sober and doing well for the past year and have never endangered those kids. My goal is not to let my illness jeopardize my son’s custody of his kids or prevent me from helping him care for them.

If there’s anything positive you can take from the experience of being attacked in court for having mania and alcoholism, it might be that, as a grandparent, you’ve been given the chance to feel like a kid again; specifically, like a child being attacked in the schoolyard for something you can’t help but are sensitive about. Everyone laughs, it hurts, and the bully gets a win.

Since you are an adult, however, and not a nervous little kid, you can recognize that, just because you’re ashamed of something, and someone attacks you about it, doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Unfortunately, bullies often grow up to be Assholes™, and some of those Assholes™ trick nice men into marrying them (or just get law degrees).

You may still feel shame for flaws and differences that might attract negative attention, even though they can’t be helped. But you also know from life experience that it’s more important to value what you do with these flaws and difference than whether or not you have them. You don’t disrespect other alcoholics; you respect them for their efforts to be sober.

So, regardless of your shame, ask yourself what you’ve done about mania and alcoholism. If, as it appears, you’ve been sober and managed your problems well, then you should be proud, prouder than if you had no problems to manage and a clean record. And no bully/Asshole™ can take that away from you.

Regard this as the next step in your sobriety. If you assess your management of alcoholism and mania over the past year and think you’ve done a decent job, then stand by your assessment and declare your pride. Write a paragraph, to yourself, that responds to the lawyer’s charges and equally to your own shame. You should be able to acknowledge your problems, without apology, and express your belief in protecting kids from your dysfunction while trying to achieve sobriety and live with mood swings. You’ve never imperiled the kids and you’ve achieved a good year.

Don’t hide from intimidation and shame; be proud of how well you’ve managed two stigmatized illnesses. Chances are, a judge will agree with you and wonder what kind of Asshole™ would try to smear her mother-in-law for being sick, when she’s always taken good care of her kids.

In any case, stand up to shame and you’ll become a stronger judge yourself. Walk into court/out of the schoolyard with pride, because you’ve earned it.

STATEMENT:
“I cringe when I think of mania and alcoholism, but I know I’ve worked hard at treatment and have been a good, careful, functional grandmother. I will show no fear or apology as I describe my illnesses and caregiving behavior.”

I feel overwhelmed by my baby but I can’t get any help from my husband. He works hard and supports us financially, but he’s usually out with his friends during the evenings and spends weekends either in the garage, working on his car, or out with friends, working on their cars (or probably just drinking beer). If I ask him to be around and spend time with his son, he tells me he’s entitled to his relaxation because he works so hard. It’s true, we wouldn’t make it without his money, but being a good father is about more than financial support, and I feel like a single parent. My goal is to get him to see that a husband should do more.

You have a right to expect more from a husband, but this is the one you’ve got, and it doesn’t look like he’s ever going to agree to a change in his job description. Most marriages would benefit from a time machine, so you could have made your expectations known before the big wedding, or checked with his mother when you started dating to see if he helped out around the house. I bet he didn’t, but until they invent that time machine, we both just have to assume the worst.

Rather than trying to get him to change now by nagging, cursing, arguing, or being super-nice, accept your partner and figure out what you want to do with him. Begin by reviewing your assets, consulting a lawyer, and weighing childcare options so you can start working. Find out what life would be like without him; the less he contributes, the less you have to lose.

While you’re waiting for the kids to hit school age and your bank account to grow a reserve, embrace the life of a single mother. Instead of punishing him and causing tension, look for friends, get a pet, and strengthen your ties with your family. Yes, you have a right to anger, disappointment, and fear, but expressing them will only change your situation for the worse.

When you’re confident in your ability to live independently, let him know you’re ready to go. You respect his need for freedom, and you also respect your own need for a partner who likes co-parenting more than he likes drinking with his buds. Wish him well, walk away, and let him work on his car as much as he wants.

However much it hurts, don’t look at your marriage as a failure; you found a hardworking guy who was faithful to his wife and you did a good job of supporting his kid and avoiding conflict. Unfortunately, the marriage taught you that you needed a co-parenting partner and now you think you’d do better on your own. It’s sad, but managing this kind of marriage is tough and your efforts represent a great achievement…at least until there are big scientific achievements in time travel.

STATEMENT:
“My divorce makes me feel sad, helpless, and scared, but we came close to making it as a couple, we have a good kid, and I have the strength to live independently while we look for a better life. I’m proud of what I’ve done with an imperfect marriage.”