Deflect and Deserve

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 9, 2014

Whether you’re humiliated by excess praise or criticism, too much attention for one’s deeds, be it positive or negative, can make you feel fake and, worst of all, stuck in a world where good deeds get punished. Instead of trying to make sense of this classic disconnect, accept the stupid way life has of making innocent, hardworking people miserable. Then continue, as before, to work hard for what you believe in while ignoring pain that often comes to those whose achievements are special and need for recognition isn’t.
–Dr. Lastname

A year ago, I was named by a hospital journal as an outstanding up-and-coming oncologist, and now my name is synonymous with accusations of malpractice. I didn’t do anything wrong, but I made the mistake of pissing off a couple crazy nurses, having bad luck in the operating room, and being unfriendly with reporters. I won’t get convicted, but my reputation is shot, I’ve got no patients and huge legal bills, and most of my so-called friends don’t answer my calls. I can’t get out of bed and, when I’m up, I can’t focus on getting anything done. My goal is to figure out how to get my life back.

Being a star physician isn’t much different from being a celebrity; praise and attention make you feel like you’ve made the right career choices and are good at what you do. Unfortunately, power attracts its own special kind of bad luck, and now you’re the medical world’s Justin Bieber.

When you’re up and coming, people seem ready to ignore your faults and exaggerate your virtues. After a while, however, you become one of the powers that be, which people like to tear down. You might be more talented and less racist than Le Biebs, but your trajectory is identical.

You’ve probably known colleagues in your field who were hit by malpractice suits they didn’t deserve and labored for years with nightmares, legal bills, and the fear that a sympathetic jury might take their house. Such people are often used as a cautionary tale about what you should do to protect yourself from malpractice, but the real cautionary tale is that it can happen to anyone, even a practitioner who follows all the rules of defensive medicine, gets consultants to provide advice on every major decision, and is loved by all nurses everywhere.

The public prefers to believe that a malpractice suit wouldn’t have a chance unless someone did something wrong. What professionals discover, however, is that malpractice suits happen because people believe you wouldn’t get a bad result if you didn’t make a mistake, and that the victim of a bad result deserves a little justice, having already been fucked over by life. That bad things happen for no reason and justice rarely happens at all doesn’t seem to factor in.

What would probably help most doctors, lawyers, politicians and other professionals is to take a course in living with malpractice. Not in avoiding malpractice—there are already good courses on that—but in living with a malpractice suit when you know you did nothing wrong.

The overall lesson would be to knock down the notion that it can’t happen to you if you don’t deserve it. It would describe what tort targets go through; the anger, helplessness, humiliation, trial by press, cost, etc. going on for years. It would encourage you to separate the horrible bad luck of getting targeted—it’s very much like cancer—from believing you’ve done wrong.

So give yourself an oncological treatment by accepting the fact that, for no good reason, you’ve got career cancer and it won’t go away soon. Fight it by killing the poisonous cells of shame, regret and rage so you can get back to basic values and spending your time as usefully as possible.

To get through this kind of trial—spiritual, not legal—is a greater challenge than managing a medical career. Respect the difficulty of what you’re trying to do, and measure your efforts, not by how you feel or the response of others, but by how well you stay true to your values.

As long as you can recognize those accomplishments, recognition from others, good or bad, won’t matter.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’ve lost my career, but I got into it for good reasons, I’ve done nothing wrong, and I’ll continue to make the most of my life regardless of the limits that are placed on me by bad luck.”

My mother told me that the best way to escape being broke was by getting a good education, so I worked hard to get a scholarship to a fancy boarding school. She was proud of me, but I didn’t tell her how hard it was when I first got there, because I was so behind. Thankfully, my new teachers were very helpful, and tutored me so I could catch up. I even got over my isolation pretty quickly, because I played sports, so even though my teammates were rich, they invited me to parties and stuff. I start my senior year in the fall, but it still feels like, the nicer people are, the more I feel I don’t belong. Everyone is smarter, better dressed, and better looking, and I just feel out of place. Every time I go home for vacation, I dread having to return to school, even though my old neighborhood isn’t exactly friendly. I just want to feel at home, and I know I have to apply for colleges next year, which is going to be even more confusing. My goal is to feel like it’s OK to be myself.

Whenever moving up in the world requires changing your social group—by immigration, employment, marriage, etc.—there’s a long-lasting price to pay in terms of not feeling at home in your new home. That doesn’t mean moving up isn’t worth it, particularly if it gives new opportunities to kids, provides more safety, or offers relationships that are less exploitative than the old country or neighborhood. It just means it’s hard not be knocked down by the tough adjustment.

You’ve done a good job of starting the process by getting a scholarship, working hard, enduring the embarrassment of feeling like the uncultured, un-classy class idiot, and still moving ahead. Don’t think success means you start to feel at home, or that being an outsider is the same as being an imposter; success is going back to school, doing the work, and doing the uncomfortable socializing when you can’t feel at home, knowing you deserve to be there as much as the next guy, even if you’re nothing like him.

Yes, some people eventually feel at home, but often after suffering setbacks every time they want to make the next leap, from fancy high school to college to graduate school, etc. It might get easier, but it’s never easy.

One person who eventually felt at home and wrote a book about it is Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. In addition to her professional success, she wound up feeling comfortable and friendly with successful people from a wide range of backgrounds and social and religious groups. It’s clear from her book, however, that she has unusual social skills in addition to legal gifts and knows how to use them.

You’ve succeeded beautifully so far, but this kind of success often causes more pain than happiness in the short run. Keep plugging away, not just to be happy, but for what you value about the new life you intend to build for yourself and your family. Respect yourself for the tough journey you’ve begun, your reasons for taking it on, and the status that, while foreign and uncomfortable, is completely earned.

STATEMENT:
“I often feel like a phony who can never feel at home, but I’m here for good reason and I’ll do what’s necessary until I can build my own feeling of being at home.”