Protected, Vexed

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 29, 2014

Much is made of the Mama/Papa-bear protective instincts that so many humans purportedly have—that blind drive that kicks in for parents when their kids are in danger—but even if said bear instinct is real, it has a “Three Bears” quality. Some parents protect too much, others protect too little, and only a fraction provide a protection level that’s “just right.” In any case, before helping or not helping your kids, ask yourself whether it’s going to make them stronger or just stir the pot (of porridge) further, because frequently, the only person you can protect is yourself.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve always encouraged my kids to deal with their own problems when they felt someone treated them unfairly, but I was really upset, recently, when the young daughter of old family friends, who was rooming with my daughter (they were acquaintances, not friends), refused to pay for the parking tickets she got when she borrowed her car. She said she didn’t notice any tickets, and maybe somebody removed them, but they clearly happened at the time she had the car and the places she took it. After my daughter got nowhere, she wrote the girl’s parents, feeling that they would not want to leave a debt like this unpaid, but they took their daughter’s side. Now I want to write my old friends to let them know I think this is unfair and a poor lesson for their daughter, but everyone else (my husband, even my daughter) says I should just leave it alone. My goal is to show my daughter that it’s important to stand up to injustice and let people know that they can’t get away with shit like this.

Most people assume that close family friends share their values, but in this case, your friends’ values appear to stay within the family—they agree with their daughter, not you—and this is a family that might as well share values with the Sopranos.

Your daughter was able to assert herself and make it clear to both her former roommate and her parents why she thought she should pay for the parking tickets. Given their reaction so far, adding your voice to hers is unlikely to get the fines paid or change how this family tends to see themselves, just annoy them into retaliation, which could take you to court/the mattresses.

Instead of seeing this a teaching moment for these family friends, see it as one for you and your own; namely, this incident teaches you that your old friends are actually Assholes™. Parents shouldn’t teach their kids to stand up to jerks unless they also teach them that the world is full of Assholes™ who can hurt you more than you can hurt them because they don’t have the doubts, restraint, and conscience you do.

If you’re, say, Judge Judy, you can tell them they’re Assholes™, get the lost fines and then some, and insult their parenting skills, intelligence, and even their dungarees to an audience of millions, but even then, they probably wouldn’t learn anything. In real life, throwing accusations and/or insults their way will give them the option to take you to a real, non-televised judge, who will be much less entertaining.

Don’t teach your daughter to fight Assholes™ unless she is likely to win. Teach her that some people whom you think you know, like, and trust turn out to be Assholes™ when you have to do business with them, and that it’s important to leave Assholes™ alone and hope that karma teaches them the lessons they deserve, since that’s the only teacher they can’t ignore.

There’s no shame in trusting the wrong person, as long as you learn from the experience. In this case, you all learned together, so now you need to teach her the second part of the lesson, which is that you should always be proud of eating shit when you know it’s necessary and better than the alternative. If Judy wasn’t on daytime TV, she’d probably say the exact same thing.

STATEMENT:
“I want to let my former friends know how disappointed I am by their behavior, but the results are not likely to change them or have any other positive result. I will accept my new knowledge and let it guide me towards having nothing to do with them, rather than entering into unwinnable conflicts.”

I think my fiancé and his ex-wife tend to minimize their daughter’s problems, which are really severe. I’m not a professional, but she’s four, barely communicates, and makes very little eye contact. She just started pre-school, and after talking to her teachers, I know they’re also concerned about her development and desperately want her evaluated, but both her parents insist that nothing is wrong, and that everybody’s just autism-crazy. I don’t necessarily think it’s autism, either, but the few times I’ve tried to pursue the topic, I’m told I’m creating trouble and worrying about nothing. I know my fiancé’s not a bad parent—we have partial custody, and he’s wonderful with his daughter—but I think both he and his ex are just scared to find out something’s really wrong. Until I’m her legal stepparent, I have no authority to do anything for this kid, so my goal is to get my fiancé and his ex to pay attention to this little girl and get her some help.

You’re a caring and loving advocate for your fiancé’s daughter, but before you plan on what you’ll do when you’re her official stepmother, give thought to what it will be like to work with a partner who tends to minimize these problems. True, there’s no point in blaming him or his ex for trying to ignore something that frightens them, but don’t think he’ll be any easier to work with after you’re married.

Ask yourself whether his avoidance extends to other areas of your life that you share, such as money management, career decisions, and his response to your needs. You have a gift for involving yourself in the needs of others, but it may distract you from considering your own. If so, marriage may well extend your responsibilities without giving you more power to do anything but complain and protest.

Your observations also suggest that your fiancé is more in tune with his ex than with you on issues of childcare. If so, and there is disagreement, you will likely be over-ruled, and if you appeal, your husband and his ex will have long talks before they let you know that yours is the minority opinion. At least now you know where his marital boundaries lie.

By focusing on what your step-daughter’s missing out on, you’ve lost focus on what you might be missing in looking for a partner. Finding a guy who loves you and his daughter are a plus, but you also need someone who can be realistic, respects your opinion, and puts you ahead of other relationships. If those aren’t on your list, this experience teaches you that they should be, but from what you’ve written, you don’t seem to have a list to begin with.

Remember how difficult it can be to have a partner who loves you but lacks other important partnership qualities. You can’t change people, so it’s your job to stay away from relationships that are missing qualities you’ve learned, from past failures, are necessary. Otherwise, your generous love for your fiancé and his daughter aren’t likely to do any of you any good.

STATEMENT:
“I love this little girl and feel she needs someone to advocate for her, but I’m not getting married in order to become a child advocate. I will remember my own needs and requirements in a partner and get married to her father only if I think we can be effective parents together.”