Lost in Frustration

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 22, 2014

When we say, as we often do, that communication is overrated, we’re referring to touchy-feely emotional purges, not basic verbal interaction. Being able to get a reliable, understandable answer to your questions and ideas is essential in life, which is why it’s so infuriating when you either can’t get through to someone who can’t hear what you’re trying to tell them or get an honest response from someone who just says what you want to hear. In either case, trying harder to get through by expressing that frustration will probably do you no good. Instead, watch carefully to see where the message gets lost and then decide whether what you need is to alter your language or give up on words. In either case, you’ll be more effective at getting your message across while keeping emotions at bay.
–Dr. Lastname

Please Note: We’re taking Monday off for Memorial Day here in the US, so keep serving us up your problems while we remember those who have served our country.

My son is serious about being a massage therapist and he’s starting to get paying referrals, but I can’t get a straight story out of him when I ask him how much he needs to live on and when he thinks he’ll have enough to move into his own place. I know he’s always had trouble giving people a straight answer—he struggled with word problems in Math, and his English papers often failed to answer whatever question the teacher had in mind—but it gets me pissed off when all I want is a simple business plan, including how much he needs to make, how much he expects to earn per hour, and how many billable hours he thinks he can get. Instead of giving me facts, he tells me he’s pleased and optimistic and happy with the way things are turning out. My goal is to get the facts out of him without screaming at him.

Despite all the strict rules of grammar and structure, everyone knows there’s no one way to speak any one language; regional dialects and accents create thousands of variations (in New England alone, there are at least five different ways to say “garage”).

What few people realize is that, even when speaking to someone in a language/dialect they understand in the plainest way possible, there’s more than one way to hear and interpret what’s being said. Especially if you’re speaking to someone whose brain, as in this case, has a bad track record of interpreting words in general.

Some people’s brains don’t think in the way your brain does, so that they always seem evasive even when they don’t want to be, and if you push harder and make them nervous, their answers become more scattered and you get more frustrated. It’s easy for you to believe your son just doesn’t want to think about or answer your question, but he’s probably trying, his brain’s just hearing a different line of inquiry.

You know, for instance, that he always had trouble answering questions in terms of facts and figures. His natural language, apparently, includes feelings and actions, which may help him relate to clients who need massage therapy but not to someone who wishes to know his business plan. That’s why expecting him to compose his own business plan is probably unrealistic.

Assuming, however, that his brain doesn’t deal well with abstractions, build up the answers you need by gathering specific facts that belong to the categories your mind uses for considering money-making options and plans. Ask him about the biggest and smallest hourly rate he expects to get, as well as the rate that other newbies charge. Urge him to add up his total weekly hours, or do it by reviewing his appointment book and showing him how to log hours and payments into an account book. Ask him how he expects to get new referrals, but avoid asking about abstract categories; just gather relevant facts and make up the categories yourself.

Show him that he knows more than he thinks, but he just doesn’t understand how to answer business questions. Assure him that the questions he needs to answer about his business won’t change much from month to month and that the methods you’re sharing will usually give him what he needs. Don’t hesitate to repeat your methods at a later time, as many times as necessary.

Let him know you respect his hard work and see his new business as an opportunity for him to learn techniques that must have seemed irrelevant in the past. Working together, you can learn how to speak his language and figure out when he’ll be able to support himself, pull his car from the garage/cahport/etc. and leave home for good.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve always been irritated by my son’s evasiveness, but I know he’s committed to his work and that there’s something about my questions that he finds hard to understand. I will reframe my questions into their component parts and see if I can show him their relevance and usefulness for managing his new business and flight from the nest.”

I know my husband’s business is doing badly now because he’s started asking me for money all the time, but I don’t know what has gone wrong. Whenever I ask him what happened, he just tells me what he thinks I want to hear. It’s the same way he talks about his drinking which, from his point of view, is never a problem because it will never happen again, though it always does. If the business really starts to fail, I’m afraid he would go into debt rather than bite the bullet and close it, or tell me what’s going on. He argues that there’s no point in worrying about something before it happens, but I’d argue that he likes to avoid unpleasantness and so will lie to both of us until the financial problems are much bigger and he gets a visit from loan sharks. My goal is to stop him from lying and getting us into major debt.

When your partner is evasive about money or drinking, it’s hard not to see trouble ahead. In order to protect yourself, you have reason to squeeze the truth out of him and get him to change bad behavior. Unfortunately, of course, you don’t have the power to do either, and trying is exhausting and brings out more lying and evasion.

The good news is that, if you’ve done your best to warn him and get him help, you can now stop trying to change him and give thought instead to your own needs. See a lawyer or banker and ask yourself whether your assets are protected from his debts, and whether you owe him indefinite support if he can’t give you an honest, realistic plan for getting back on his feet.

Once you’ve made decisions about your own welfare, let him know where you stand. Begin by citing his strengths and your belief that he can do well if he doesn’t avoid unpleasant truths about his business. If he could open his books and put together a reasonable plan for recovery (and, while he’s at it, stay sober), you might be able to offer support and have confidence in his future. If he can’t, you have to do what’s necessary to protect yourself, and that means saving money, which you won’t be able to share with him.

Don’t make yourself responsible for getting through to him or saving him with love, compassion, or coercion; the more you make his problems yours, the more he’ll see you as his problem. Instead, stoke your independence and build your options. Once you know your choices, you can help your husband see his without your taking responsibility for solving them. Your responsibility is simply to root him on, if he lets you and does what’s necessary for himself.

You have reason to be scared for his future and yours, as well as sad for your marriage. If you accept your choices, however, together with your lack of control over anyone else, you can use this occasion to grow stronger and, by doing so, put more pressure on your husband to do the same.

You can’t save your marriage or your husband by carrying his problems, but you can save yourself by taking responsibility for your own choices, and that’s better for your husband as well.

STATEMENT:
“I tremble to think about what will happen to my husband, but I have no control over his problems and I remain responsible for myself. I’ll protect myself from his melt-down as much as possible and take responsibility for helping him only if he gives me good reason to think he’s in control of his behavior and has a good chance of success.”