Earning Desire

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 15, 2014

Whether it’s wealth, wine, or just white meat chicken, life’s perks are harder to enjoy when they have a dubious source. This is especially true with money that comes from someone else’s generosity, so it’s natural to promote financial independence, either by giving criticism or praise, especially if that generous someone is you. Unfortunately, being financially dependent is a lot like being a caged hen—it’s often beyond your control—so your attempts to promote it may cause or worsen feelings of failure. Instead of trying to change financial dependence when you can’t, ask yourself what people can do to manage it most effectively. Then you’ll be ready to respect what people do with financial dependence, even if it takes a long time for the dependent party to ripen/become free-range.
–Dr. Lastname

I can’t stand the sad way things have turned out for my daughter, and my life is no better. She had kids, got depressed, lost her marriage and most custody, and lives a marginal life because she can’t get it together to find work. I help her out as much as I can, but I’m not as good with kids as my late wife was, plus the grandkids have special needs. The result is that my daughter doesn’t have a decent place of her own, the grandkids have all kinds of unsolved problems, and I’m going broke. I feel we’ve all failed to do the only thing that matters, which is to help our kids, and I remind my daughter how badly I think things have turned out, and how much she needs to change if things are ever going to get any better, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. My goal is to find a way to turn this disaster around.

Depression is a terrible disease that can sap your energy and scramble your brain’s ability to get organized, so it can have a devastating effect on a person’s ability to be a parent or hold a job. While medications, talk therapy, and other treatments don’t necessarily help, too-tough love can actually make things worse.

Through the filter of a depressive mind, your “come to Jesus” talks may be interpreted as “go make a living, loser” lectures.

If she is making an effort—and, since you’ve been trying to help and push her for many years, it’s a safe assumption that she is—focusing on failure isn’t fair, disrespects your contributions, and may interfere with good planning. Nobody wants her to pull herself up by her bootstraps more than she does, but her depression’s opposing pull seems to be stronger.

Your daughter needs to know that, as unlucky as she’s been with her illness, you respect the fact that she still tries to find work and be a good parent. No, you can’t use money to give her and her kids a normal life, because, like most people, you don’t have that kind of wealth. What you can do, however, is urge her to get her disability evaluated and take advantage of whatever benefit is appropriate while she continues her efforts to find work, try treatments, and stabilize her life.

Appreciate the immense effort it has required for you to help your daughter and grandkids while also maintaining some security for your retirement, since this kind of problem is endless, frightening, and exhausting. When you hit the inevitable wall and realize how limited your resources are, however, don’t assume you’ve failed just because you’re feeling helpless and overwhelmed. No one ever fails who has your good values and does his best. So as you ration your resources more realistically, don’t tell your daughter that you or she has failed.

Instead, tell her that the battle has entered a new phase, you’ve accepted that there’s no way to tell if or when her disability will allow her to work, and you have to make long-term plans accordingly. The process may be painful but you’re confident that it will lead to a better result. Then limit your giving to what you and your financial planner, be it a person or a budget app, believe is necessary, and prepare to hear sad and maybe angry stories about unmet needs.

As long as you’re sure you’ve done your best—and you should be—don’t perpetuate the negativity by adding your own helplessness. Let everyone know it’s a tough situation but that being realistic about your limitations will help everyone make better use of the resources you have, particularly in the long haul. A pep talk will take you both a lot further than another lecture on patheticness.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my family has fallen apart, but I’ve begun to face my limits. I’m prepared to use my understanding of those limits to provide my daughter with good advice and develop a long-term plan that makes the best use of my dwindling resources.”

My boyfriend is a great guy, but I can’t stop worrying about how much money he accepts from his parents, even if it doesn’t seem to bother him. He’s in graduate school and works pretty hard at his coursework, but he doesn’t have any other jobs because his parents’ money takes care of things. I worry that he doesn’t have the character and drive to end his dependence on his parents and manage his life on his own. I’ve let him know how smart and capable he is, and I’ve suggested jobs for him to apply to that he’s more than qualified for, but no matter how much I build him up, he seems content to keep things as they are. My goal is to get him to become an independent man; otherwise, I’m afraid he never will be.

Before you start working on altering your boyfriend (knowing the usual high risk-benefit ratio for attempted boyfriend-changing), think about your reasons for deciding whether a guy is independent. Beyond considering his current financial dependence on his parents, find out whether he has credit card debt or a realistic long-term plan for making money and building security. Observe whether he’s ambitious and hard-working.

Ask yourself whether he’s been right about his family’s willingness to support him and whether they’ve come through with support without causing great conflict or putting him under unacceptable pressure to compromise his principles. Note whether he seems able to protect your time and priorities together, regardless of whether he has to say no to his parents.

If everything else about his long-range planning and money-management is solid, don’t assume that his acceptance of parental money makes him a wuss or a bad risk. It’s no crime for him to be lucky with his family. It’s possible that you’ve just stumbled across that rarity—a highly functional family, and having such a background is certainly a good quality for a long-term partner.

Of course, if you can’t stand the idea of living with someone who accepts parental money, then accept your inability to change both your own feelings, as well as your boyfriend. You may be smart to move on before you wear one another out.

On the other hand, if you can trust your ability to measure his independence and he measures up well, don’t sweat the parental contributions. Think of them as a challenge to independence that he and his family have met successfully and that is unlikely to threaten the partnership you’re forming and your own possible family in the future.

STATEMENT:
“My boyfriend’s willingness to take parental money instead of a second job worries me, but I have good reason to believe he’s not lazy and can say no to his parents when necessary. I will continue to watch for signs of trouble, but not let worries alone interfere with our life together.”