Junk Mood

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 8, 2014

When you can’t stop fucking up, it doesn’t always make a difference whether you acknowledge your fuckuppery or not. Wanting to stop yourself gives you incentive to change and that, plus lots of time, work, and management of all kinds may do the trick, but there are no guarantees. Knowing you’re right/having no clue you’re actually fucking up gives you no incentive to change, so there’s no need for anyone around you to try to help since you are who you are. In either case, accept what you can’t change, whether it’s obvious from the beginning or becomes evident through failed efforts. You don’t have to be down on yourself or someone else just because of an un-shake-able fuck-up status.
–Dr. Lastname

I get into terrible moods where I can’t stop myself from saying nasty things to my mother and sometimes throwing things across the room, so I agreed to see a shrink. She tells me I have a mood disorder and maybe an anxiety disorder, and I’ve had a bunch of sessions, but so far nothing stops my anger and when it kicks up I can’t stop myself from being horrible to everyone around me. Some mornings I can’t get to school, but I usually get there and get enough work done to be passing. Since my behavior is OK at school though, I wonder why I can’t control myself at home. I don’t want medication that will turn me into a zombie, but I don’t want to be a monster, either. I hate being this way. My goal is not to be a jerk.

After you give someone a load of verbal garbage or even a lingering smack to the face, it sounds pretty lame to say, “My bad mood made me do it.” If every cranky person became violent, your average rush hour would be a bloodbath.

The truth, however, is that, for some people, a bad mood can push unbelievably hard. For instance, the most obnoxious and provocative people out there aren’t political pundits or drunken tailgaters, but some of the crazy-manic patients in your local hospital.

That said, after medication starts working and the episode ends, so does their cruelty, but that’s the nature of moods and madness. Depression alone can make people terribly irritable and, with a touch of paranoia, they really feel they’re not fighting but fighting back.

Maybe there are some people who, having experienced these nasty moods from an early age, come to believe there’s nothing wrong with their point of view and that they’re giving others no more shit than they deserve. You, however, have a good perspective together with a bad temper; you don’t like what you’re doing but it’s hard to stop. You’ve made a good start on trying to control the threat to your personality and self-esteem.

You and your parents were right to try talk-therapy first because it carries fewer risks than medications and often helps. By talk-therapy, I don’t mean someone who just asks you what you’re mad about and then offers sympathy and understanding. Ideally, your treatment should also include techniques for recognizing explosions before they occur and mental and physical exercises that can distract you from negative thinking. Don’t give up on psychotherapy until you’re sure you’ve worked with a good anger-management coach.

If you’re still desperate for more help, be aware that certain medications have much lower risks than others. Antidepressants and certain mood stabilizers are very, very unlikely to do any major harm, and if they make you feel bad, you stop them and you’re fine. If they make you feel a lot better—and only if they make you feel a lot better—you may decide to keep taking them.

You’re right not to take full responsibility for your horrible temper, and you’re right to try as hard as you can to control it. It will be difficult to learn to control your temper as a teenager, especially when so much of your life, from your schedule to your hormones, is out of your control. Thankfully, it gets easier as you get older, particularly if you stay away from alcohol and illegal drugs.

If you can start trying to get things under control now, however, you have a better chance of being a less moody adult (at least when not behind the wheel).

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m possessed by a foul demon, but I still have good values and I’m doing my best to manage my mood and get better control over what I do when hate takes over.”

My husband is a good guy, but it’s impossible to talk to him about anything he does wrong, because, in his mind, it just doesn’t happen. If he tends to forget something, or be late, or not pay enough attention to the lists I give him, he doesn’t say he’s sorry or try harder. Instead, he tells me that no one gave him the right information in the first place, or the directions were poor, or he did the right thing but it was misreported or misunderstood. Sometimes I wish I could video the whole thing and show him how absurd it is. Other times I just want to wring his neck. My goal is just to make our fairly good marriage a little better and not get so irritated with him.

It’s a mistake to try to explain why certain people can’t be wrong because understanding them will make you think you can help them, when you can’t. If you think it’s because of insecurity or an overly-competitive nature or just general obliviousness, you’ll give them praise, re-assurance, or a flood of feedback. Sometimes, of course, these methods will work, but, more often, you’ll make them more defensive and you’ll be extra-irritated at the waste of your extra work.

Maybe their inability to be wrong is a manifestation of excessive self-esteem (ESE), which, as we’ve explained elsewhere, is probably more dangerous than low self-esteem, both to the person with ESE and everyone in his/her vicinity, especially when that confidence attracts followers who can be lead into big trouble.

Satisfy yourself that you’ve tried everything you can to get through; then, if it’s clearly not working, prepare for plan B, which is resigning yourself to the fact that his behavior and attitude are unlikely to change and that you may often feel irritated. Give yourself credit, however, for proving to yourself that your husband is often not right and that you don’t have to demonstrate it to him or anyone else.

Think about ways of changing your work procedures to compensate for his weaknesses. If he’s poor with lists, offer extra prompts and make the lists more redundant without using an irritated tone of voice. Instead, agree with his complaint that he often doesn’t get the right directions and you’re determined to improve this problem in communication (even if you feel like dumbing it down any further would insult your dog).

You’ve already decided that your irritatingly never-wrong husband is nevertheless a good guy and partner. Once you accept this irritating trait/disability and put aside your feelings of anger, self-doubt, and over-helpfulness, there’s much you can do to reduce the likelihood of error and improve your functional partnership, whether your husband recognizes it (or anything else) or not.

STATEMENT:
“I should have listened to my mother-in-law when she told me her son can never believe he’s wrong, but it’s too late now. I won’t let his viewpoint shake my confidence in my own perceptions while I do what’s necessary to improve communication in the areas of his weakness.”