Working the Reps

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 24, 2014

A reputation, good or bad, can go very quickly from being about you to being a part of you; it doesn’t matter if you’ve grown out of it or never grew into it in the first place, getting rid of a reputation is about as easy as removing a limb. Regardless of how unfair or painful your reputation and the lack of acceptance that it can bring, your goal isn’t to retaliate and allow it to direct your life, but to stick to your own moral standards. Your reputation may stay connected to you, but your actions always matter more.
–Dr. Lastname

Although our family therapist did his best and our marriage survived, my husband never got over his suspicions and jealousy. It’s true I was abusing pain pills five years ago after our son was a newborn and I feel very guilty about that, but I’ve done everything possible to make it right. Even though I went through rehab and get my urine tested regularly, my husband still isn’t sure I can be trusted. That means he won’t leave me alone with our kid, and when he is there, he’s always resentful and critical, so he’s hell to be around. My goal would be to get through to him if I could but, if not, it’s to split up without losing access to our son.

Trust and sobriety have a lot in common; both can be regained after a lapse, but only with a lot of hard work, patience, and dedication. Unless your husband is as successful at rebuilding his faith in you as you have been at staying sober, the strength of your recovery will beat that of your marriage.

Unfortunately, something’s snapped in his brain that just doesn’t allow him to trust you. If you felt his opinion was the most important thing in the world, his lack of trust could well throw you into relapse, but luckily you have the strength to see it as his problem, not yours.

Before announcing to your husband that things have to change, ask your family therapist whether s/he could vouch for you, and whether more frequent urine testing will be necessary. Telling your husband he can no longer monitor all your parenting time may get him worried that you’re on drugs again, and that’s an issue you don’t want to have to waste time on. Give up trying to convince him with words and let your clean pee do the talking instead.

Then let your husband know that things have to change if he wants to live with you; namely, no more hovering or complaints about the past. You’re proud that you’ve established your sobriety and have nothing to apologize for, so unless he can treat you like a normal wife, you can’t stand his abnormal behavior.

Without letting fear and uncertainty paralyze you, talk to a lawyer about your options and probable budget, not just for legal services, but single parenthood. Then make it clear to your husband that you’re prepared for divorce if he can’t stop himself from treating you like a dangerous cripple.

It’s too bad that substance abuse undermined your marriage, but that’s not the issue now; you’ve proven you can manage an addiction, it’s just too bad that your husband couldn’t. Now your job is to let him know, with all the confidence you’ve gained from your recovery, that you require him to change.

If he can’t, then you know you’ve done your best to salvage your marriage and now have to protect your self-respect. You’ve taken the first step and admitted you have a problem; if he can’t believe in your ability to deal with your addiction, then your view is that the problem is his, whether he can see it or not.

STATEMENT:
“I often feel I deserve my husband’s mistrust, but I know I can trust myself and that I deserve better. If he cannot accept the person I am today, I will face the fact that this marriage is worse than living alone and do what I need to do.”

My parents were college athletes, and my older brothers are all star athletes—soccer, swimming, track—so my parents expect me to find my own sport to shine at. The problem is that I can’t get them to see that I’m just not very good at sports, or enjoy them very much. I get good grades, and they appreciate that, but they keep trying to get me into varsity sports, and I just don’t have that competitive urge, let alone the skill. I want my parents to accept that I have my own path.

Some of us get accepted by our parents and some don’t, but if they don’t accept you for what you think of as a relatively unchangeable and out-of-your-control part of your personality, then there’s not much you can do except learn how to grow up without acceptance. It’s not easy, but lots of people have to do it. Some become shrinks.

Most of us crave parental acceptance, which is why we love movies about unaccepting parents’ changing their minds almost as much as movies about bad guys getting blown up. In real life, we have to learn to live with that craving and not let it make us do bad things.

Your goal, of course, isn’t to become acceptable, and it’s not likely that you can persuade your parents to embrace your sports-free existence. What you can do, however, is accept their non-acceptance.

You don’t sound bitter or destructive, or like you’ve stopped investing in activities that work for you, so you’re already managing the non-acceptance very well. Far from being trapped in a vicious cycle of rebellion, poor performance, and feelings of failure, you’re confident you’re succeeding in ways that matter to you.

Just make sure your future spouse and your dog don’t expect you to be athletic, and for now, keep doing exactly what you’re doing; moving ahead, developing your skills, and channeling your pain about your parents in positive directions. Also, start saving for medical school, because becoming a shrink requires both a tortured upbringing and money for tuition.

STATEMENT:
“I feel I’d be much happier if I were the same type of person as my parents are, but I’m not, and I’ve got the hang of being me, so I will tolerate my parents’ frustrations and disapproval until I’m out of here and on my way.”