Split Fit

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 14, 2014

Parent-child splits are the absolute worst kind of break-up because, even if you stay apart, the other person is always at the center of your physical and moral universe; you might not speak to your father anymore, but you can’t escape sharing his laugh, methods for problem-solving, and a feeling of responsibility for how he’s doing. So be careful before you get over-involved in attacking or defending yourself from strong parent-child emotions. Remember how much more important it is for you to be a good parent to your kid and a good kid to your parent. Then, if there’s a chance to do it, live up to your values. Your actions may not make you happy or give you relief, but they’ll always give you pride, because you did all you could to keep your family, and sanity, together.
–Dr. Lastname

My new husband insisted that we renovate the house I’ve lived in since my first marriage, in part because we need more space for the new baby, and in part because he didn’t like living in a house that was built by my ex-husband, who’s an architect. He’s being reasonable, and I’m grateful he’s paying for it, but I’m very nervous about how my fourteen-year-old son is going to react because he hates change and always acts as if I’m the one responsible for the break-up with his father. Now he’ll accuse me of destroying what remains of his childhood, and I’m afraid he’ll go live with his father and stop visitation, so my goal is to figure out how to tell him we’re about to renovate without driving him away.

You’re worried that your son’s reaction to your remarriage, renovation, and new family will be unreasonably infantile. Unlike an infant, however, he can more than just roll away from you; with additional support from you ex, he can cut you off forever. Humans grow out of a lot of things—teething, pants-pooping, random boners—but, unfortunately, tantrums can be eternal.

You certainly don’t want to pick a fight with your son, but you also can’t let yourself be blackmailed by a burst of anger. The good news is that, although he is too old to be threatened with a time out, good, plain speech can teach him some important lessons about being an adult without driving him away or discouraging him from coming back.

It’s too bad he feels hurt by divorce, but that doesn’t mean you or life owes him an apology or that he should expect you to make amends. Your job is to teach him how to deal with angry feelings like a grown up, and punishing you for his hurt is not going to make him a strong person or help him deal with life.

Of course, you love him and have your own need to see him, but you can’t let your needs interfere with your job as parent. As much as you would miss him and feel hurt by his anger, your job is to help him stand up to it and become a strong, independent person.

Begin with the moral priorities you’ve already adopted. It’s right for parents, after a divorce, to find a new partnership while remaining true to their kids’ needs; remaining committed to the old, broken partnership doesn’t work and weakens both parties. Finding a new commitment, however, requires careful compromise and is seldom without pain.

In this case, you can offer your son the continuity of the same house and greater economic stability, but there will be a new decor and a new half-sib. You believe it’s a reasonable compromise and offers everyone a solid base for the next stage of your lives together. If, as I suspect, the above represents your values, then that’s what you share with him, rather than an apology for how much he’s hurting. Acknowledge that transitions can be tough, but you also believe this one is necessary and will lead to something better.

If he rejects you, don’t argue about his right to feel aggrieved. Instead, stand by your decision and the values and optimism that went into it. Instead of taking responsibility for his pain, urge him to accept it as part of life and do what will be best in the long run. Your opinion is that, given the support he’s always received from you and the support he may need in the future, he’s always better off getting over his anger and taking advantage of the fact that he has a mother who loves him. In any case, your door is always open.

If your worst fear comes true and your son rejects you, stomping his feet and raising his voice, don’t assume that his unhappiness will be forever or that it won’t work out well. Chances are he’ll discover that accepting your remarriage and the change that goes with it will give him access to new stability and strength.

Tantrums are forever, but so is the process of growth and the need for good parenting. Do what you think is best, let him know where you stand, and trust that time will show him that it’s better to have his mother than a tantrum.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my son is always threatening to walk out the door if I don’t make him happy and undo the pain of divorce, but I know divorce was necessary and unavoidable and that feeling responsible for his unhappiness prevents me from stopping him when he goes too far. I will point him to a better future and tell him when his behavior is unacceptable. I will have faith in his eventual ability to accept me as a positive force in his life.”

I stopped talking to my father years ago, when it became clear that he’d been cheating on my mother, and I didn’t invite him to my wedding or wife’s baby shower, even though word got back to me that it hurt his feelings, because I felt that he deserved what he got for what he did to my mom. My sister, on the other hand, says I’m being an idiot, because our parents weren’t getting along for years before my father had the affair, and mom might have fooled around as well. Now the baby is two, I’m having some conflict with my wife, and I sometimes feel the need for some fatherly advice. My goal is to figure out why I should break down and be nice to my father when he was willing to leave and break up the family.

It’s not unnatural to reject people simply because they hurt you or someone you love, but it prevents you from thinking about any value other than how you feel. You think you’re protecting yourself and those you care about from harm, creating a particularly close-feeling, us-versus-the-bastards bond. Trouble is, however, that life is tough and even the best people will sometimes hurt and disappoint you, while the ones who make you feel good won’t necessarily be people you can count on.

So if you can’t judge people apart from the emotions they inspire, you may break relationships that would be good for you, hurt people who don’t deserve it, and cultivate relationships that are bound to hurt you more. Like the kid in the case above, you have good reason to feel angry, but you may be rejecting someone who deserves better and may not be as bad as you think.

So ask yourself, as your sister has, whether your father is really an Asshole™ or whether there’s evidence that he cared about you and tried to be a good husband and father. Look at facts, not your fury. After all, you may be angry because you formerly spent good times together and relied on him.

Then, if he isn’t a total jerk, take a course in relationship-mending and use your father for homework. You will need this skill for your marriage and raising your children. If you cut off all the people who hurt you, it won’t take long for you to be alone.

As a married man, you should know how easy it is to fight with someone you love. Decide whether your goal is to win fights or preserve relationships and partnerships with good people who can sometimes really hurt you. Sometimes the people whom you can count on and “the bastards” are actually the same.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like my father hurt me enough to deserve a perpetual, ice-cold shoulder, but I don’t believe it’s good to end relationships with good people simply because they hurt. I will not let anger prevent me from judging my father’s character and maintaining a family relationship with him if I believe it’s meaningful.”