Anger Banishment

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 10, 2014

Family members can push us harder than anyone or anything else, probably because the family tree literally roots us in place so we can’t escape. Sometimes you seethe while you suffer, and sometimes worry while you do rescue work. In either case, you can’t gain freedom without shaking up the branches and the way you think about them. Once you ask yourself how much good you can really do, either by fighting or protecting, you’re well on the way to managing your feelings and finding the strength to branch off on your own.
–Dr. Lastname

I have returned to a very personal habit that I have never admitted to a counselor since I worry about what they might think. To calm myself, I daydream about getting my hands around my ex-husband’s throat and not letting go. The more detail and the more I replay the scene in my head, the calmer and happier I feel. In reality, my ex-husband is a gold medal, abusive Asshole who always wins, but our sons are teenagers who seem able to stand up to what they regard as verbal abuse and bullying and they’ve been telling a family counselor about it. Meanwhile, my life has been going well and I have a nice boyfriend. I’m not a violent person and my ex is in no danger from me. My goal is to find a new, less violent coping strategy that will promote calm, healthy thoughts and reduce my anger and frustration.

Fantasy can be a powerful tool; it’s what fuels imagination, keeps our spirits up in dark times, and makes LARPing possible. It lets us escape the everyday and find freedom, even if it’s only in our heads. Unless, however, it’s a strangle-the-bastard fantasy like yours, which keeps you bound both to your ex and the fear and anger he inspires.

You probably felt weak when you were married to your ex, partly because of his bullying manner and worry about the kids, but getting yourself away from him made you strong. You left him, moved on, and provided the kids with a stable foundation that apparently gives them good perspective on his nastiness. You liberated yourself in a very real sense.

They’re now adolescents who can tell a therapist they think his anger is his problem, not theirs, and both know that they can live with you if they find his anger overwhelming. If your old wish was to get him to be less horrible, then there’s no winning. If your goal was to make sure your kids weren’t brainwashed by his anger and could stand up to him, then you’ve won. Everybody’s broken free, even if your subconscious hasn’t.

When you were helpless, you got a kick out of imagining yourself in total physical control of his body, even though the image was creepy and violent. Now, though there’s no harm in that image, it’s time to remind yourself that you have the power you need in real life and don’t need to conjure it in your imagination anymore. No one is in peril and you’ve put together a good life. The only time you’ll feel helpless is if you think of stopping his anger, which, fortunately, is no longer your problem.

If the kids feel helpless about his anger, it’s not your job to shield them from pain, because that will always be beyond your power. Fortunately, your job is to give them tools for dealing with that pain, and you’re well equipped to be their teacher. Assure them they’ve done nothing to deserve punishment and that, in your opinion, their father has a problem with negative emotions. Remind them that they can limit their time with him if necessary.

Instead of imagining ways they’re being damaged, think of the survival skills they can acquire from this admittedly painful experience, and teach them how to be strong, like you. Even when it comes to the kids’ reaction to your ex’s anger, you’re not really helpless. You’ve provided them with an alternative, a good role model, and a good coach.

By challenging the idea that you’re a helpless victim, and acting like the strong mother you’ve become, confront the feelings that prompted your violent fantasies. Even if they persist, you still have nothing to fear from them, because they have no influence on your current, important relationships with your kids and your new partner.

When you want to imagine strangling him, remind yourself instead of all the actual ways you’ve escaped his Asshole™-ery, because the fantasy that matters most has become reality.

STATEMENT:
“I feel helpless whenever I think of how my ex’s anger used to shake me up. I know, however, that he now has no influence over me and I will teach the kids how to protect themselves, as I did.”

I wish I could get my daughter to stop drinking, but she just can’t seem to do it. Staying with me allows her to keep her job—I drive her to and from work—but in the evening she drinks and then gets nasty and throws things. Sometimes she and my wife, who’s trying to stay sober but has a hair-trigger temper, nearly come to blows, and their fights can get so loud, my neighbors have threatened to call the cops. I hate what they do to one another, but if I don’t help my daughter, I worry she’ll lose her job and end up homeless. My goal is to get her sober.

It’s natural to want to protect your kid from losing whatever seems to be holding her life together, but protecting her only makes you feel better in the short run and doesn’t seem to improve her life at all except to put a roof over her drunk, miserable head. Worst of all, taking her in stops you from looking at the big picture and doing whatever you think will be better for her in the long run, which is your job as a parent. You’re doing a good job of not letting anger control your decisions (see above), but protective feelings sometimes aren’t any better.

Your wish, of course, is to get her to be sober, which is just not within your power. What is within your power, however, is to use your support and the shelter of your home as an incentive for sobriety. Don’t kick her out to punish her or get her to hit bottom; after all, you never know when someone will hit bottom and keep falling. Instead, offer her the chance to live at home as a reason to get sober and support for staying sober. Otherwise, your support may be hurting her by making it easier for her to drink.

Don’t make yourself responsible for her suffering or lack of security, because the alcoholism is responsible, not you, and laying responsibility on yourself is cruel and not helpful. It makes you responsible for something you don’t control and puts you in a continual state of helpless, futile self-sacrifice. Instead, make yourself responsible for promoting recovery.

If she’s drinking, give her the name of a shelter and offer her food vouchers she can’t exchange for booze. Always help her survive and encourage her to get sober and take advantage of your help. Until then, keep her out of your house, both to reserve it as a reward and to protect yourself from being dragged down by her illness.

Don’t let fear drive you into giving her day-to-day support while she actively undoes your help. Instead, free yourself to be a stronger father by admitting your inability to protect her from alcoholism, and declaring your determination to be ready with support when it will do some real good.

STATEMENT:
“I feel frightened and concerned for my daughter whenever I see how fragile she is, but I’m not doing her good by providing her with food, shelter and transportation while she’s drinking, and I have a life to lead and other obligations to attend to. I will never stop loving her or helping her if I can. Meanwhile, I will push her out of the house until she’s sober and let her back only if it will make her stronger.”