Critical Pass

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 7, 2014

Love and/or laughter might be so-called universal languages, but they still require some sort of verbal communication. Hate and criticism, on the other hand, must be intergalactic languages, because, in couples especially, someone can be ripped to shreds without anyone saying a word. In any case, whether you express them openly and verbally or just quietly roll your eyes, negative feelings have a way of chain-reacting in a marriage. Few good marriages don’t have at least a bit of it, but too much can be explosive, especially when two emotional people are expressive at the same time. So, whether your spontaneous criticism is loud or quiet, try to balance it with some of that universally spoken love through deliberate praise and appreciation. That’s why most good marriages are not just a reflection of spontaneous loving chemistry, but also hard work and carefully chosen words of all kinds.
–Dr. Lastname

My wife and I spent years running our own restaurant and, though we both have strong opinions, we usually worked together pretty well. Recently, however, we got bought out by a larger restaurant group and hired by them as consultants to start a new place from scratch. The problem is, I just don’t like her vision of how it should be done, from the location to the menu. I think my own format is more exciting, cheaper, and easier to do, but she doesn’t agree. I’m afraid her plan will cost too much and get us into trouble. My goal is to get her to see the flaws in her plan before it’s too late and we lose everything we’ve worked for.

There are lots of decisions, small and large, that go into putting together a new restaurant—the color of the napkins, the cuisine, the shape of the forks—but before you make any more choices involving fusion or flatwear, you must decide what’s more important: your marriage or your vision for the restaurant.

Of course, if you and your wife are still talking after having worked closely together for years, you might think it’s easy to have both, but then you have to remember that two people with strong tastes and opinions, faced with an open opportunity to create their dream restaurant, may have a hard time finding middle ground.

So face the worst-case scenario of not reaching agreement on your dream restaurant and having to accept a plan B that is less satisfactory to your standards, but more satisfactory to your vows.

Having relieved yourself of responsibility for controlling your wife’s imagination (and thus avoiding a brawl), prepare to negotiate by framing the problem in a positive, impersonal way. You have a wonderful opportunity and both of you have great ideas, but you also have different tastes, so it may not be easy to come up with a plan that would work for both of you. Then describe what you like about her ideas and urge her to describe what she likes about yours.

Interrupt the conversation so that you and she can think about one another’s comments and propose compromises without expressing negative feelings that would effectively end the useful part of your conversation. Pretend she’s a client who consulted you and whom you’re trying to win over to your most important design ideas, while remembering that you get paid for working together and get nothing if you can’t find a way to compromise.

You may think that, since she’s your wife, spontaneous communication of emotions and real opinions is natural and required. In truth, it’s more necessary than ever for you to shut the fuck up, it’s just harder.

You may not be able to find a compromise on your dream restaurant, but you’re much more likely to if you maintain your professionalism, avoid criticism, and negotiate patiently. You’re also more likely not to get divorced.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t tolerate some of my wife’s ideas and it’s hard not to let it show, but I don’t want to lose this opportunity to create something special, so I’ll control my tongue and keep my speech strictly professional while trying to find a common vision.”

My husband complains that I’m unsupportive and judgey, but I’m just really good at keeping my mouth shut. It’s true, I don’t think he’s doing much with his life and he’s not much help around the house, but I don’t believe in conflict, so I keep my thoughts to myself, maybe throw in a look or hint as to what’s disappointing me, and I can’t help it if he reads my mind. My goal, however, is to figure out how to avoid conflict when my husband insists on picking a fight.

While it’s good to keep negative comments to yourself, it’s not necessarily all that good if you happen to have an expressive face that gets your message across without words. Remember, building a partnership often requires more than silence about the things you don’t like in the other person, and also benefits from your having positive things to say about whatever it is you do like. Being aggressively critical is bad (see above), but being passively critical isn’t so hot, either.

Of course, if there isn’t much to like, you should be thinking seriously about leaving, but even as you ponder that, your time together will be much better if you can find something positive to say—or smile about—rather than giving the silent impression that you don’t think much about what you’re seeing and wish you were someplace else.

As adults, we know that people can disapprove of, or get irritated with, one another without anyone having done anything wrong, and that there’s often no reason to apologize, defend, or make up. We all believe in our ability to form our own judgments and stand by them. On an emotional level, however, criticism hurts and we often react negatively, triggering a cycle of continued conflict and deepening, mutual mistrust.

Regardless of your good reasons for being critical of your husband, even if said criticism is silent, ask yourself whether your marriage is worthwhile anyway, and whether it does your marriage good for you to express yourself, frankly or passively. Then identify things you like about your husband and find ways to talk about them while smiling. Don’t lie, but be sure to include everything positive that you can think of.

Even if you’re on your way out of the marriage, keeping the conversation positive will help you depart without weighing you down with the exhaustion of sad squabbles. Hopefully, however, you’ll find that your positive appearance will improve his behavior, and that your smile will eventually feel spontaneous and genuine.

STATEMENT:
“I often find myself irritated with my husband, but he’s not a bad guy, at least not on paper, and my looking irritated certainly doesn’t bring out the best in him. I’ll try to focus on the things I appreciate and smile, and thus put a lid on the cycle of sour disapproval and criticism.”