Mock the Line
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 31, 2014
Sometimes those who are responsible for nurturing others don’t know how to crack the whip, and those who are responsible for whipping people into shape don’t know to drop the whip because they’ve cracked a little themselves. In any case, before you wield any weapon or argument, know where your responsibilities end and others’ begin. Once you know those boundaries, you’ll have no guilt about expecting others to do their job or letting yourself off the hook for jobs that aren’t yours, and find that you’ve whipped your priorities into shape.
–Dr. Lastname
I know my husband can’t help being mentally ill with depression and I think it’s important for family to stick together, particularly for the kids, but the latest crap he and my son are pulling is driving me crazy. While my husband was driving my son to work (my husband never works, which is another story), they get into a terrible fight over nothing (not unusual, they both have bad tempers). My son then grabs the wheel, so my husband, convinced our son was trying to kill him, has our son arrested without telling me. Now, remember, my son is the one who is working and doesn’t get into trouble, and my husband is the guy who does nothing but see his doctor and sit on the couch watching TV, but if I tell him he’s caused us a lot of trouble and expense that we can’t deal with and that he should have spoken to me first before going to the police, he’ll tell me I don’t know how to set limits on our son, and I just don’t want to hear it. I’m ready to kill both of them, particularly my husband, but before I do that I have to figure out whether my son will need a lawyer and how we’re going to afford it. My goal is to figure out how to survive with such a crazy, fucked-up family.
There’s a sort of physics to marriage; with every aggressive, crazy (or morbidly obese, or nasty) partner there is an equally sane, passive (or stick thin, or sweet) partner. While congrats are in order for being the sane one, the passive part means you seem too willing to accept helplessness than to consider your options.
No, you can’t change your husband or persuade him to work, think or consult you before he acts, or control his temper, but you have the power that accrues to functional, responsible people over time. If you learn to use it, the laws of science won’t be disrupted, and nobody will have to call the law itself.
Draw up every ounce of courage and, without inviting your husband to explain, let him know that you don’t accept his having your son arrested or doing it without consulting you or thinking first about how it would affect the family. In spite of his illness, he has opportunities to contribute to the family, and you think he’s capable of doing it, but that’s not what’s happening. He is undermining your parenting and adding to your stress. He is doing everything he can to persuade you that life would be much easier without him. Ask him whether that’s really what he wants to do.
State emphatically that you know what he’ll say and you’re just not interested; his anger is not important compared to the survival issues that you, as a parent, have to deal with. This is not about his emotions, but about survival, money, and keeping things from exploding. If he wants to live someplace where he can express his feelings, doesn’t have to consult with anyone, and can go to the police whenever he wants to, as often as he wants to, he can live elsewhere.
It’s too bad that you can’t expect your husband to be a partner or friend. Whether or not his weakness was caused by illness is unimportant—it is what it is—but you may be able to get your family running better by laying down rules and implying real consequences.
Your husband and son may complain that they’re one another’s victims, but you don’t have to be theirs by cleaning up their mess without first giving them a bigger thing to worry about. Lay down some rules; the Newtonian principle of relationships might be disturbed, but your sanity won’t be.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’m the slave of a bunch of problem kids, but I’m also the boss with the money and at least a little bit of power. Assuming I’ve done right by my husband and don’t owe him an endless free ride, I will let him know I don’t need his approval or understanding to make rules about what’s required from him if he wants to stay.”
It’s important for my kids to eat organic foods because I read all the studies that say they’re a lot healthier, so it really bothers me when my husband’s parents drop by and bring junk food, or serve us all kinds of crap when we go there to visit. I’m happy to do the cooking, so I don’t expect my in-laws to cater to our tastes, but with our health at stake, I’ve been very, very clear to tell them our rules, so I feel personally insulted when they ignore my request. My husband agrees with me about an organic diet, but he tries to mediate between me and his parents, which just leaves me feeling condescended to and as if he’s going along with me just to appease me, and not because he really believes in organics. My goal is to get people to respect rules that I think are healthy and necessary.
You’re a natural manager when it comes to your kids, have a clear philosophy about caring for their health and diet, and are not bashful about letting others know how you like to run things. Unfortunately, your managerial position is limited to the four walls of your home, and when you try to follow your usual procedures elsewhere, you have trouble accepting the limits of your rule, as well as those of control and responsibility.
Don’t make yourself responsible for giving your kids complete protection from anything, be it junk food or ninjas, because you can’t. It’s not unusual for close family, including partners, to undermine your ways of doing things, and confrontation often causes nothing but bad feelings and more overt opposition. The bad news is that struggling with them usually makes it worse. The good news, however, is that their opposition is not necessarily evidence of disrespect or last animosity, although conflict could make it so. It could be that they’re disorganized and/or resistant to other people’s rules.
Now you know you can’t expect your in-laws to follow your food rules, ask yourself how much it’s worth a confrontation, and whether kale versus candy is really the hill you want to die on. Work around the problem by having dinner together less often or doing so at a selected restaurant, or when you control the kitchen. Meanwhile, gather information that will help you decide how bad it is for the kids’ health to sometimes get exposed to the wrong food.
Assuming, for a moment, that they’ll probably find ways to expose themselves when you’re not looking, put away your helplessness and aggravation about the issue and think instead about the risk. Then you’ll know how much energy to put into fighting about this issue with your husband if he decides a visit with her parents is more important than protecting the kids from non-organics.
After all, you’re doing a good job protecting your kids when you actually can, rather than under all circumstances. If you’re fighting a losing battle with your in-laws, learn to prioritize and put your energy into the fights you can win, when you control the kitchen. Yes, your in-laws may have you biting your tongue until it bleeds, but you can tell yourself you’ve truly done your best, the kids will do fine with an occasional diet violation, and your relationship with your husband will improve.
Credit yourself with caring enough to exert control over your kids’ diet, but don’t make yourself responsible for control you don’t have. You want to keep your kids healthy, but if you want to keep your marriage and mind healthy, as well, you’ve got to learn to develop a taste for your in-laws bullshit.
STATEMENT:
“I hate feeling like my words are insignificant and my in-laws don’t respect me, but I know I’ve done what I can with the kids’ diet and, from here on in, I can achieve reasonable control by keeping my intentions to myself and making compromises when necessary.”
