Hereditary Kari

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 24, 2014

Maybe it’s the eternal bond that makes it hard to walk away from a conflict and impossible not to start a fight in the first place, but when you throw down with family over a fundamental disagreement, it’s almost impossible not to be either beaten down or drawn into a fight. So, regardless of how uneasy it makes you or how much you want to get into it, learn how to stop talking, politely, when you feel further conversation will do you no good. You may be condemned for doing so, but only by others in the clan; the only thing you’ll be condemning yourself for is getting into it in the first place.
–Dr. Lastname

My parents know my brother and I both have bipolar illness, and they’ve seen how stable I am on my medication. My brother, on the other hand, pretends he doesn’t really have it and refuses to take medication. Then, when he gets hospitalized, they don’t disagree with him when he blames it all on stress and bad marijuana. After his last admission, I wrote him a letter begging him to do what I do and be careful about taking his meds and getting enough sleep. His response was to tell me he resented being called bipolar, and tell our parents that he resented me, period, and now they want us all to meet so I can explain to him I didn’t really mean it. I’ve had it with all of them. My goal is to not have to deal with him, his illness, or my parents’ co-dependence, ever again.

In many ways, your brother is like the princess that needs saving at the end of a video game; both you and your parents have set out to win and free him, but you’re all stuck on different levels for different reasons, all equally unlikely to get to him anytime soon. As games go, it’s not exactly a bestseller.

Unlike most Nintendo princessi, however, your brother is not passive and helpless, but he’s fighting to stay unsaved, mostly because he doesn’t actually acknowledge he needs saving. Despite all the levels of difficulty that come with this specific quest, that doesn’t mean you should get fed up and walk away.

Certainly, you have a right to be angry, but your feelings are relatively unimportant compared to your desire to help your brother if possible, while staying out of conflict. So don’t get beaten down and don’t get drawn into a fight. Keep your mind on the goal and your ass in the game.

Give him your best advice, as you did, but without weakening yourself by expressing desperation or a need for his agreement. Accept the fact that you can’t stop him from pretending he doesn’t have an illness, but stand by your convictions, keeping calm, brief, and constructive, rather than imploring, intense, and sticky.

Then, if he and your parents want to meet so they can talk you into apologizing for giving good advice, ask yourself whether such a meeting can do any good. Unlike your parents, you don’t feel you should take responsibility for his anger, and you don’t think it’s good for him to pretend he doesn’t have an illness when he does, so not meeting is a good way to protect yourself while making your point.

Regardless of the pain of family disapproval, don’t throw up your hands, express negative feelings, and forget the bigger picture. Respect your own reasoning and do what’s right, and the next time your brother relapses, do nothing but raise an eyebrow.

Give him the message he needs to hear, without inviting him to shoot the messenger/savior or offering to change the message. You haven’t given up on your quest, but until you and your whole family can get to the next level, the princess’ freedom will have to be put on pause.

STATEMENT:
“I hate it when my family acts like I’ve done something wrong, but I think their approach to my brother is hurting him. I will stand by what I think is right, refuse to fight, and hope they eventually heed my good advice.”

My husband always wears me down when he doesn’t like my ideas, whether it’s arranging the living room or deciding whether to give our daughter a loan. I’ve always wanted a relationship where we would talk things out and at least agree to disagree, but that never happens. He gets a look in his eye and won’t stop talking until I give up, without any hope of compromise or concession. My goal is to have a better, give-and-take relationship with him.

If your husband is a grind-you-down kind of arguer, then you’re never going to have a give-and-take relationship, and the effort will certainly wear you down. What you have to decide, however, is whether your need for validation is stronger than your respect for your own opinion. In that case, you’re the one who’s wearing herself down, because you can’t let yourself drop the conversation until he backs you up, and he’ll never let it drop until you give in.

So, ask yourself about the importance of peace in a relationship. Obviously, conflict is painful and most issues aren’t worth fighting about. On the other hand, feeling you can’t ever disagree stifles relationships and personalities, so peace becomes dangerous when it requires compulsory agreement. Just ask any Russian who isn’t a fan of Vladimir Putin (if they haven’t vanished).

Fortunately, you can always disagree peacefully, as long as you don’t take responsibility for the antagonistic behavior of the other guy (see case above). In your case, you also have to put aside your own need for agreement and a give-and-take relationship. What you can have, however, and make your goal, is a take-it-or-else relationship, in which you amicably let your husband know where you stand and what you’re going to do about it, whether he agrees or not. Then, if he wants to keep talking about the topic, and you don’t think he’s prepared to be flexible, your job is to stop talking and make sure no more gets said in your presence.

If your husband accuses you of declaring war, you must have the confidence to know that the only thing you’ve declared war on is enforced conformity, and that your husband can accept your limits or leave. Hopefully, and probably, he’ll huff and puff and stay, and you’ll discover that you can’t be beaten down unless you let your own needs get the better of you.

Don’t prepare to fight with your husband; prepare to disagree when you feel it’s necessary, doing it agreeably while insisting that anyone who can’t tolerate your having an opinion shouldn’t have to live with you. Chances are he’ll grumble and groan, but he’ll wear himself down before you do.

STATEMENT:
“I hate conflict, but avoiding all conflict with my husband is destroying our relationship. I know how to disagree without being offensive. I will assert my right to disagree, regardless of how it makes him feel or act.”