In Ickness and Health

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 17, 2014

Everybody has a limit as to how much they can bear to differ and share with their partner; it’s just as difficult to be with someone who agrees with you too much as with someone with whom you can never see eye-to-eye, no matter what James Carville and Mary Matalin say. Distinguishing between acceptable and irreconcilable differences is tricky; some differences need not threaten a partnership, but it’s not good for either of you to stay together if one of you believes the other is bad and beyond redemption. So weigh everything you know about a person’s reliability and loyalty before deciding what to make of your ethical, religious, or cable news differences and your partnership.
–Dr. Lastname

I think my husband is much happier about our moving to a new town since he joined a local church, and I thought I’d feel welcome there too, but I was not pleased to hear that they recently expelled a woman from the congregation because she’s lesbian. My husband believes it was the wrong thing to do, but he loves the way the congregation makes him and others feel valued and at home, so he’s not about to let go of his new friends. I’ve objected publicly, and no one argues with me, but they treat me with kindly disagreement, making it clear I’m welcome even if I can’t understand where they come from. I still have trouble understanding how my husband can be OK with this under any circumstances when in my eyes it’s bigotry, plain and simple. My goal is to honor my principles while not letting the church come between me and my husband.

Although there’s an apparent difference of principle standing between you and your husband, you have no reason to doubt his honesty, fidelity, or any other character issue that would interfere with his being a good partner. The difficulty is reconciling that with your new impression that he might not be a good person.

You’ve been together, I assume, for a number of years and have weathered storms, so you have good reason to respect him as a person and husband. You don’t expect his continued membership in a church that rejects gays and lesbians will make him less honest and supportive. He did not ask you to stifle your opinion, even though it differs from his, so weigh these considerations before you decide to reject him.

In all likelihood, this difference is one of cognitive style more than ideas. Your husband gives more meaning to the warm supportiveness of a church community, experiencing it as a good, loving feeling and believing, probably as a matter of style, that such feelings can’t be bad and are more important than any thought or idea. It’s similar to believing that faith is more important than logic and that what you know God thinks is good for people is more important than what they want. That’s why people will ignore all scientific data to insist that Jesus rode a dinosaur.

You, on the other hand, seem to be less responsive to warm fuzzies and more interested in the content of ideas and their potential consequences. That difference probably makes it hard for you and your husband to talk the same language or communicate about issues like this one. In other situations, however, it may allow one of you to understand what the other can’t.

It’s too bad you can’t both belong to a church you can share and that can provide you with mutual friendships, but it’s not likely to split you apart because you both seem willing to accept the other’s style. He doesn’t feel you have to accept the church and you don’t feel he has to walk out in protest. On the other hand, you may both need to work hard to find other things to bring you together.

There’s nothing to stop you, then, from honoring your principles by keeping your distance from this church, and no reason to think your husband’s membership will cause one of you to turn away from the other.

Be prepared, however, to work harder to find time to spend together and, hopefully, friends you can both relate to. Start with a nice gay couple who can show him the error of his ways through the warm fuzziness of their shared love for each other.

STATEMENT:
“I will never understand how my husband could want to be part of a community that discriminates against gay people, but I know he’s a good man and that his priorities are often different from mine. I won’t let our differences prevent us from building a social life together, in spite of our different social circles.”

My brother’s wife seemed very happy to marry into our family—she told us her own parents were abusive, and didn’t even invite them to her wedding—and for several years she was nothing but complimentary and eager to be included. Then, once the kids came, she seemed to resent any contact between us and her husband, though she tried to be polite. Finally, she had an affair, looted my brother’s bank account, and accused him of abusing their kids. My goal is to understand how someone who could appear so grateful to receive love from our family—and it’s a very nice family—could do so much harm to my brother and all of us.

Sometimes it’s the people who mirror you most closely when you meet them who turn out to be least trustworthy. That’s because people who try too hard to please you, or be you, may lack a sense of self that is independent of their immediate needs. When they want you, you’re wonderful, but when they don’t, you’re the worst thing in the universe.

They don’t see the contradiction, because they don’t have perspective other than what their feelings tell them (note the similarity to faith, above). Until you’ve been through an experience like this, you don’t see it coming, which is why it happens to so many people. Your brother wasn’t alone in being fooled, so none of you was able to warn him. Now, you’re all the wiser, even if you’re also all knee-deep in shit.

Urge him not to blame himself, even though the fallout from his mistake is devastating. The fact that a mistake has terrible consequences doesn’t mean that the mistake itself is terrible, just that it’s very, very unlucky. Tell him not to let fear stop him from dating again, as soon as he can afford it, because he’s wiser now and has demonstrated that he’s a good partner. Now, all he needs is to find a partner who isn’t a psychopath.

Don’t be tempted to ask your brother’s wife why she did its mind, she did it because your brother treated her badly and forced her to do it. In her mind, it’s his fault and your fault. Your former sister-in-law is an Asshole™, which means she’s incapable of finding fault in almost anything she does. It’s the parable about the scorpion crossing the river all over again, so it’s better to avoid asking her anything, lest you get close enough to get stung one more time.

The best way to recover from a disastrous relationship with someone like this is not to ask why, but to ask how to move on. The harm was terrible, but your brother and your family did nothing wrong other than make a natural mistake. Keep helping one another pick up the pieces and don’t change your values simply because they got tromped on.

This certainly feels like the worst thing in the universe but give it a positive outcome: learning how to avoid this kind of experience ever again.

STATEMENT:
“I feel my trust was abused and shattered, but I know that some apparently nice people are really assholes and it’s no crime to be fooled. I will continue to trust people, but knowing that I am better at protecting myself.”