Flaw Partner

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 13, 2014

In one of the grand ironies of relationships, love and partnership aren’t necessarily good partners themselves. You can love someone and hate the idea of full partnership, or you can love someone and hate the idea of anything less, so never think that, if love is true, mutual accommodation will follow. Instead, know what kind of relationship you want before you go looking, keep it in mind when love lights up your life, and you’ll save yourself a lot of time, heartbreak, and bad partnerships of your own.
–Dr. Lastname

I love my boyfriend, but I wonder sometimes if we’re going to make it. I thought living together would relieve the periods of crazy insecurity he’d get, when he’d suddenly say we have to break up because he knew I don’t really love him. I’m really very even-tempered, and I don’t know why he gets like that or thinks that way. He had the same problem with his last girlfriend, and I thought it was because she had mixed feelings about him and couldn’t commit. I’ve told him I’d like to get married, but he seems to be getting worse, so now I’m wondering how to get him into couples therapy so we can work things out. My goal is to get him to see that I love him and we could have a good life together.

When you love someone who has intense needs and feelings, their needs sometimes make you forget your own, both past and present. In this case, once you put aside the reasons for your relationship that have to do with love, sex, and the high of nurturing and focus on the other, less sexy/more vital stuff, it would appear that you need to reconsider this relationship.

After all, it’s safe to assume you want a relationship that offers the possibility of a steady partnership and perhaps kids, so you’re looking for someone who is solid, reliable, and can do his share of the work when the going gets tough. The last thing you need is someone who repeatedly gets cold feet and is hard to reassure, particularly if that’s been his behavior in prior relationships.

Your job, as manager of this partnership search and the only person who can protect yourself from a difficult, burdensome life, is to find someone who can take his share of responsibility. What’s happening here, however, is that you’re giving yourself total responsibility for calming your boyfriend/candidate down and getting him to feel loved, and forgetting the obligation you owe yourself.

That’s hardly fair to you, or likely to give you what you need, other than a brief warm, helpful feeling (followed by years of unhappy soap opera). On the contrary, you’re giving yourself big problems and a possible one-sided partnership that will require high maintenance and offer little help. When it comes to your own goals, which include creating the foundation for a family, you couldn’t do worse.

For now, begin again and get back to your station. You need to find a good partner, and nothing you’ve said indicates this guy is it. Time’s a-wasting and your dance card needs emptying so it can be filled with partners who know how to lead, or at least know the steps.

Let your boyfriend know that, while you wish he were the one, you don’t think partnership is a good idea for him until he’s basically more comfortable with the idea and, if he has a problem with it, it’s his problem to work on. It’s not something you can help him with, much as you’d like to.

Say goodbye to people who make you feel like a nurturer, and hello to people who look like they can share the nurturing. It’s not easy, but it’s what needs to be done for your needs to be met.

STATEMENT:
“I feel terrible watching my boyfriend suffer and mess up a good thing, but my first responsibility is to myself and the family I want to build. I will decide, in a disciplined way, whether my boyfriend is a reasonable candidate for partnership and, if not, I will do what’s necessary.”

I missed my girlfriend horribly when she dumped me six months ago; she gave me a marriage-or-else ultimatum, and I ended up choosing “or else,” so she said it was over. It didn’t take me long to regret ending things with her, so I called her up and we’re going out together again. The problem is that I know she’s going to bring up the marriage issue again any day now, and the idea still gives me the willies. I love her and I can’t stand to lose her, but I also want my freedom. My goal is to find out a way we can compromise, so she can be happy with the way I love her and I’ll be faithful to her, but I’ll also have breathing room.

Aside from knowing, without a doubt, that you love your girlfriend and enjoy her company (at least on a periodic basis), ask yourself where you’re going with this relationship. You’re happy now because you’re having a good time with her, but you don’t have reason to think her goals or yours are going to change or become compatible with one another, and that’s going to lead both of you to more heartbreak.

From what you say, it doesn’t sound like you want to change, so you don’t need to ask yourself whether you could change if you wanted to, which is hard to know, anyway. What you’re actually asking is whether it’s possible for her to change so you can have a happy life together, and that’s unlikely.

What this relationship is probably going to teach you is that, if you don’t make it clear to candidates from the beginning that you’re not in it for commitment, there’s bound to be lots of struggling, pain, and loss. Your girlfriend-candidate, bless her hopeful heart, will think you can be changed unless you’re very clear that it’s not going to happen, and you’ll get along well…until she realizes that things can’t go any further.

Review what you know about yourself and your reasons for preferring a non-partnered relationship, considering the pros and cons, in addition to your gut feelings. Then you’re entitled to want what you want without shame. The only thing you can do wrong is not be upfront about it, so let her know what your limits are, and see if she can accept them.

Whether she stays or goes isn’t the issue; what’s important is that you’re honest and do not have to apologize about your position or your dealings with her. You may wind up sad and missing her, but treat her decently, respect yourself, and learn something that will help you in your next, non-binding relationship.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stop wanting to be with my girlfriend, but I won’t hang onto her if I don’t see us meeting one another’s needs. I will move on, if necessary, and require any possible new girlfriend to accept me for the way I am, non-partnership included.”